Capital Reviews

 Black Mass of the Nazi Sex Wizard [movie] I DIDN'T REALLY FIND A GOOD MOVIE TO WATCH ON HALLOWEEN, BUT I GUESS THIS CULMINATES BOTH THE "WEIRD TITLES" AND "MORE AND MORE EXTREME" TRENDS I WAS DOING. THIS IS JUST BARELY A MOVIE. IT'S MOSTLY JUST BIG TITTY GOTH GIRLS ACTUALLY VOMITING IRL AND ALSO EXACTLY ONE GIRL THAT WAS ACTUALLY CUTTING HERSELF THAT MADE THE MOVIE START WITH A DISCLAIMER FROM HER. THE THING THAT MADE IT A HORROR MOVIE AND NOT JUST DIRECTLY FETISH PORN IS LIKE, IT HAD A CREEPY SOUNDTRACK AND ALSO WENT IN AND OUT OF STOCK FOOTAGE OF OLD CARTOONS.  PS. ALSO EXACTLY ONE PART WHERE IT'S FILMING A CREEEEPY STREET AT NIGHT AND THEN THERE IS A CAT THEN THE CAMERA IS JUST FILMING THE CAT INSTEAD. 

 A Cat in the Brain [movie] OH MAN, 10 SECONDS IN THEY ARE ZOOMING INTO SOMEONE'S HEAD AND ZOOM ALL THE WAY INTO THEIR BALD SPOT THEN KEEP ZOOMING AND SHOW THEIR BRAIN THEN CAT IS IN THERE, TRUTH IN ADVERTISING RIGHT TO THE POINT! A++++ PS. THIS MOVIE RULES, IT'S A MOVIE IN A MOVIE IN A MOVIE ABOUT THE DIRECTOR LUCIO FULCI GOING CRAZY FROM MAKING TOO MUCH HORROR AND THEN WALKING AROUND AND SEEING MOVIE CLIPS FROM OTHER MOVIES EDITED INTO THIS MOVIE. IT'S SUPER GOOD. 

 Don't look in the Basement 2 [movie] IT'S SO WEIRD THIS GOT A SEQUEL 40 YEARS LATER THAT WAS KINDA NOT REALLY ANYTHING AND MOSTLY INTRODUCED GHOSTS AS A CONCEPT. I REALLY FEEL LIKE THE FIRST PART WAS GOOD BUT BY THE END IT JUST TOTALLY LOST THE PLOT AND WENT NO WHERE.I FEEL LIKE THE BIG THING IS THAT DR STEVENS ISN'T THE VILLIAN, HE WAS THE ACTUAL NORMAL GUY. HIS PSYCHOLOGY THEORY WAS BAD BUT HE WASN'T EVIL ORIGINALLY. STUFF ONLY WENT WRONG WHEN HE WAS GONE, SO THERE WAS NO REASON TO HAVE HIM BE AN EVIL GHOST PS. BEST CHARACTER WAS THE GUY THAT CAME IN FOR ONE SCENE AND REPEATED EVERYTHING

 All Hallows’ Eve 2 [movie] I STARTED WATCHING THE FIRST ONE AND IT'S AN ANTHOLOGY MOVIE BUT READ THIS ONE IS AN *ANTHOLOGY* MOVIE, WITH NINE STORIES IN AN HOUR AND A HALF SO SKIPPED TO THIS. IT WAS GOOD? BEING SO QUICK EACH STORY GOT TO JUST BE STUPID AND BE ONE THING. NONE OF THEM HAD TO GO ANYWHERE OR MAKE ANY SENSE. THEY WERE SUCH THIN STORIES THEY WERE GOOD. LIKE THE FIRST ONE WAS JUST A KID EATING A PUMPKIN SEED AND A PUMPKIN GROWING IN THEIR BELLY. THE SECOND ONE WAS SOME KIDS TRICK OR TREATING AFTER A NUCLEAR WAR. THEY WERE LIKE ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK LEVEL STORIES BUT WITH GORE. THUMBS UP.  PS. I THINK I AM SO SICK OF HORROR MOVIES! 

 Aenigma [movie] I FEEL LIKE AT SOME POINT I ABSOLUTELY LOST TRACK OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE BUT I LOVE HOW IT FELT LIKE THEY DECIDED ON EFFECT SHOTS THEN KINDA HAND WAVED WHY. LIKE THE GIRL GOT KILLED BY SNAILS, DUMPING A BUNCH OF SNAILS ON SOME NAKED LADY WAS CLEARLY THE POINT OF THE SHOT AND THEY SHOWED A LOT OF BOOB SNAILS AND THEN VERY VAUGELY WERE LIKE 'THEN SHE DIED"  PS. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE STUPID OVERHEAD MODEL SHOTS. I FEEL 100% SURE THE BUILDING THEY FILMED IN MUST HAVE JUST HAD THAT MODEL AND THEY TRIED TO USE IT AND IT'S SO CUTE HOW SILLY IT LOOKS

 Aimy in a Cage [movie] THIS MOVIE RULES. IT'S SO BAD. BUT LIKE, MOST SO BAD MOVIES ARE GOOD BECAUSE THEY ARE FUNNY BAD, BUT THIS MOVIE LIKE, IS SO ABRASIVE AND ANNOYING IT WRAPS AROUND TO BEING GREAT. IT'S LIKE IF WES ANDERSON TRIED TO MAKE A TIM BURTON MOVIE USING ONLY STUFF FROM A 2004 HOT TOPIC AND STARING CRISPIN GLOVER AND IT SUCKED. BUT IT SUCKED SO BAD THAT IT WAS ART. ALSO THIS IS 'LOCKED IN A HOUSE TO AVOID A PANDEMIC' MOVIE AND SO I REALLY WISH I SAW THIS LIKE 2 YEARS AGO, I WOULD HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS MOVIE NONSTOP.  PS. I FEEL BAD COUNTING THIS AS A HORROR MOVIE, BECAUSE IT WAS FILMED WITH SO MUCH EXTREMELY ANNOYING WHIMSEY, BUT LIKE, IT CLEARLY IS A HORROR MOVIE. THEY ALL DIE AND SHE GETS A LABOTOMY (OR SOMETHING, SHE WEARS A DIVING HELMET)

 Womb Ghosts [movie] I DON'T KNOW. THIS MOVIE HAD SOME GOOD JUMP SCARES AND CREEPY PARTS BUT GOT DID IT FEEL LIKE IT HAD A LOT OF FILLER. LIKE THE WHOLE PLOT WITH THE GHOST CHILD ABUSE GUY JUST FELT SO UNNESSISARY. IT FEELS LIKE A 22 MINUTE SHORT FILM WITH AN HOUR OF NOTHING SPACED IN.  PS. LISTEN, I JUST WATCHED THIS BECAUSE IT HAD A SILLY NAME, I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS HORROR MOVIE MONTH IS OVER

 Be My Cat: A Film for Anne [movie] YEAH, THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. IT'S A HORROR MOVIE BUT IT'S LIKE, A ROMANIAN GUY MAKING A FOUND FOOTAGE MOVIE ABOUT MAKING A MOVIE AND IT'S JUST HIM BEING SO MEAN TO THE ACTRESSES BUT IN THIS SUPER WHINEY PATHETIC WAY AND IT'S UNBARABLE TO WATCH BUT IN A GOOD WAY LIKE "MOTHER!" IS. LIKE ALL THE SUPER GORY MOVIES WHERE IDIOT STUPID PEOPLE HAD TO CALL THE FBI THINKING IT WAS REAL, I HAD TO LOOK UP IF HE WAS REALLY BEING MEAN TO THE REAL ACTRESSES (WHICH HE APPARENTLY HAD TO MAKE A STATEMENT ABOUT). THIS MOVIE WAS GREAT AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE NEVER WAS A KILLER AT ALL, LIKE IF THE MIDDLE GIRL HAD DIED ACCIDENTLY AND NOTHING ELSE, MAKE THE MOVIE ALL ABOUT HIM BEING AN OBSESSED LOSER. PS. I DON'T LIKE DOGS OR BOYS BECAUSE THEY BULLY YOU, ONLY CATS AND GIRLS.  

 Cassadaga [movie] I DON'T KNOW, I WANTED THIS MOVIE TO BE GOOD BUT IT WAS PRETTY MEH. IT HAD A TON OF SUPER CREEPY OR DISTURBING ELEMENTS BUT IT JUST FELT LIKE IT HAD TOO MUCH STUFF GOING ON. DISTURBING COLD OPEN, DEAD SISTER, DEAF MAIN CHARACTER, PSYCHIC STUFF, SUPER CREEPY VILLIAN, GOING CRAZY, IT WAS JUST LIKE, TOO MUCH STUFF. IT NEVER FELT LIKE A COHERENT STORY. JUST HAVE DEAF GIRL CAN HEAR PSYCHIC GHOSTS OR JUST HAVE BOY WHO MUTILIATED HIMSELF THAT MAKES GIRLS INTO PUPPETS, JUST PICK SOMETHING, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOVIE. DON'T JUST HAVE 8 THINGS.  PS. I KNEW CASSADAGA WAS PSYCHIC BECAUSE OF THAT BRIGHT EYES SONG

 Beyond the Limits [movie] THIS MOVIE SUCKS BUT IN A REALLY CREATIVE WAY. LIKE, CLEARLY THE REAL REASON IS THE FILM MAKER FAILING TO MAKE TWO MOVIES AND SO RECUTTING THEM INTO ONE MOVIE BUT THERE IS JUST SOMETHING SO AMBITIOUS ABOUT STARTING A MOVIE ABOUT EVIL GANSTERS (NAMED RICK AND MORTMER) THEN SHOWING AN OBJECT AND SOMEONE BEING LIKE "THERE IS AN INTERESTING STORY ABOUT THAT THING" AND THEN THE ENTIRE REST OF THE MOVIE BEING A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE ABOUT A MIDEVEIL FANTASY. LIKE THE LAST MINTUE OF THE MOVIE TRIED TO PULL THE TWO TGETHER, BUT LIKE, NOT REALLY. PS. LISTEN, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, THE OPENING CREDIT FONT WAS THE DIABLO II FONT.  (EXOCET)

 Don't Look in the Basement [movie] THIS MOVIE WASN'T MUCH BUT IT HONESTLY WAS PRETTY GOOD. IT DID A GOOD JOB INTRODUCING A BUNCH OF STRONG CHARACTERS (THEN NOT REALLY DOING MUCH WITH A LOT OF THEM). THE TWIST ABOUT MASTERS IS THE MOST ODVIOUS THING ON EARTH BUT SOMEHOW I DIDN'T THINK OF IT AT ALL SO GOOD JOB MOVIE. PS. I LOVE HOW MUCH DANNY SUCKS. I LIKE HOW THE MOVIE DID A GOOD JOB MAKING EVERYONE GENERALLY LIKEABLE THEN DANNY IS JUST THE ABSOLUTE WORST. 

 Mai-chan’s Daily Life [movie] EH, I FOUND WHAT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD LIST OF SUPER EXTREME JAPANESE 'HORROR' BUT BETWEEN THIS AND THE LAST ONE THESE JUST SUCK, THEY AREN'T HORROR MOVIES, THEY ARE JUST WEIRD PORNOGRAPHY. LIKE NOT EVEN JUST IN THAT METAPHORICAL WAY A LOT OF TORTURE PORN IS PORN. THIS IS CLEARLY JUST ACTUAL PORNOGRAPHY BUT FOR GROSS WEIRDOS. IT'S 'WHAT IF A GIRL COULD HEAL FROM EVERY INJURY" WITH THE ANSWER THAT THEY WOULD RAPE AND EAT HER FOR 1 HOUR AND IT'S JUST NOTHING. I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR SUPER EXTREME JAPANESE HORROR BUT I AM GIVING UP ON THIS LIST I GUESS.  PS. IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE IT'S TOO SHOCKING OR SOMETHING. HYPERTROPHY GENITAL GIRL IS JAPANESE PORNO KINDA LIKE THIS AND THAT RULES BY BEING SO OVER THE TOP IT FEELS INSAINE. THIS IS JUST FOR SOMEONE WHO LIKE TO WATCH GIRLS HAVE THEIR HANDS STEPPED ON WITH HIGH HEELS PLUS BAD BLOOD SPECIAL EFFECTS. 

 Guinea Pig 2: flower of flesh and blood [movie] I MEAN, I THINK THE THING ABOUT THIS IS YOU REALLY HAVE TO HAVE WATCHED IT IN LIKE 1987 ON A COPY OF A COPY OF A VHS TAPE BACK WHEN SEEING SOMETHING FROM JAPAN WAS CRAZY, THEN LIKE, MAYBE THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING? JUST WATCHING IT. IT'S JUST A GUY IN A SAMURI COSTUME CUTTING UP A VERY DUMB LATEX MODEL OF A LADY. LIKE, JUST MEDIA LITERACY WISE, THIS IS CLEARLY A MOVIE. IF IT WAS REAL WHO IS THE CAMERA MAN? HOW WOULD THIS BE FILMED IF THIS WAS REAL? LIKE JUST CONCEPTUALLY IT'S CLEARLY NOT REAL NO MATTER HOW GOOD OR BAD THE EFFECTS WERE PS. THIS MOVIE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REPORTED TO THE FBI BY CHARLIE SHEEN. 

 The Devil's Female [movie] THIS MOVIE RAN OUT OF STEAM SO BAD. IT WAS SOME SORT OF GERMAN THE EXERCIST BUT IT FELT LIKE IT HAD TWO SCENES AND IT JUST DID THEM OVER AND OVER AND WATCHING THE LADY HUMP THE AIR AS THE DEVIL HAD INVISIBLE SEX WITH HER WAS JUST NOT ENOUGH TO CARRY A MOVIE. EVEN THE FUNNY DUBBING OF THEM SAYING SHE LIKED HER GRANDPA AND HER YELLING THAT SHE ONLY LIKES ALIVE PEOPLE AND DESPISES THE DEAD THEN VERY AWKWARDLY CLIMBING AWAY WAS RIGHT AT THE START AND NOTHING ELSE WAS LIKE THAT. PS. I CAN'T HANDLE MOVIES PEOPLE WEAR WIGS, I AM FAR TOO FACE BLIND TO EVER KNOW WHO ANYONE IS EVER IF THEY HAVE A WIG

 Creepshow 2 [movie] THE BEST PART OF THIS IS HOW EXTREMELY FILMED IN MAINE IT IS AND HOW MAINE HAS NOT CHANGED EVEN ONE LITTLE BIT IN 35 YEARS EXCEPT SCISSOR WIZARD NO LONGER EXISTS.  PS. THE GUY IN THE MIDDLE ONE WAS SUPER RAPEY

 The Urge to Kill [movie] AKA 'ATTACK OF THE KILLER COMPUTER'. THIS MOVIE RULES. IT CAME OUT IN 1988 BUT SEEMS TO HAVE A VERY 1950S CONCEPT OF WHAT A COMPUTER IS. IT'S KINDA WAY TOO FRIGGIN HORNY TO RECOMMEND ANYONE WATCH IT, BUT IT'S GOT SOME EXTREME TOMMY WISEAU ENERGY. LIKE IT'S ALL PEOPLE SAYING INCOMPREHENSIBLE DIALOG AND WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH THE WEIRD EASTERN EUROPEAN MAIN CHARACTER. ALSO A COMPUTER RUBS SOMEONE'S TEETH WITH A LASER POINTER AND THEY ORGASM? AND ALSO SOMEONE BRUSHES THEIR TEETH TO DEATH? THIS FEELS VERY TEETH FOCUSED.  PS. I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT S.E.X.Y IS SUPPOSED TO BE. IS IT A ROBOT? DID THE COMPUTER MAKE A HOLOGRAM? ALL OF THIS MOVIE IS THE COMPUTER MAKING 1950S RADIO SCI-FI NOISE AND IT'S GREAT HOW INCOMPREHENSIBLE WHAT THE MOVIE THINKS A COMPUTER EVEN IS

 Clown House [movie] THIS WASN'T PARTICULARLY GOOD OR BAD. IT WAS AN OKAY CLOWN THEMED HORROR MOVIE.  PS. OH NO. OH GOD. I *HAVE* HEARD OF THIS MOVIE BEFORE AND EVEN MADE FUN OF THE TITLE BEFORE. YOU KNOW HOW THE GUY THAT MADE POWDER WAS A PEDOPHILE? AND THAT WAS A BIG DEAL BECAUSE POWEDER WAS WEIRD ABOUT THAT. IT WAS SPECIFICALLY THAT THAT GUY RAPED THE CHILD STAR OF CLOWN HOUSE OVER AND OVER SO THIS MOVIE GOT PULLED FROM SHELVES AND NEVER RERELEASED. THAT IS WHY THIS IS JUST ON YOUTUBE I GUESS!

 Sharks of the Corn [movie] A DUMB VERY HOME MADE SEEMING HORROR COMEDY THAT WAS CLEARLY MOSTLY AD LIBBED. IT HAD A FEW MOMENTS BUT BY BEING 2 HOURS LONG IT JUST KILLED ANY CHANCE TO BE INTERESTING. PS. SHITTY RIGHT WING COMEDY. 

Horizon Zero Dawn [game] THIS GAME IS JUST REALLY GOOD. I BOUGHT IT WHEN IT CAME OUT THEN PLAYED BREATH OF THE WILD INSTEAD, BUT THIS GAME IS GREAT. JUST LIKE, AS FICTION THERE JUST ISN'T A LOT THAT DOES THIS ALL WATCHED OVER BY MACHINES OF LOVING GRACE SETTING, EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK IT WOULD BE COMMON. I AM A LITTLE MAD THAT IT'S ONLY A FEW HUNDRED YEARS IN THE FUTURE, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE, A MILLION, BUT I CAN FORGIVE THAT. ALSO THE GAMEPLAY IS FINDING OUT OPTIMAL SOLUTIONS TO THINGS THEN DECIDING TO NOT DO THAT BECAUSE IT'S A THOUSAND TIMES MORE FUN TO PLAY COMPLICATED WAYS AND SNEAK AROUND AND SNIPE THINGS AND MAKE MACHINES FIGHT EACHOTHER THAN IT IS TO JUST HIDE IN GRASS AND WHISTLE OR JUST ROPECAST EVERYTHING BIG.  PS.  I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST MAGIC OF THIS GAME IS ALMOST EVERYONE BEING JUST EXTREMELY NICE. OTHER THAN THE VERY WORST VILLIANS EVERYONE IS JUST VERY KIND, EVEN PEOPLE ANY OTHER GAME WOULD WRITE AS A JERK ARE JUST VERY NICE TO YOU IN GENERAL. EVEN A LO

 Shivers [movie] THIS IS CRONENBERG'S FIRST 'REAL' MOVIE. THE PACING IS BAD AND IT'S NOT GREAT BUT I LOVE HOW MUCH YOU CAN SEE HIS LATER MOVIES IN THIS. LIKE GIVEN THE PREMISE THIS SHOULD JUST BE A TRASHY EXPLOATION MOVIE BUT YOU CAN TELL HE WENT "NO, MAKE IT GOOD INSTEAD" AND MADE THE PARASITES GROSS AND GRUESOME AND GENERALLY MADE IT A REAL HORROR MOVIE INSTEAD OF A WEIRD SOFTCORE PORN THING IT WAS SETTING UP TO BE. IT'S NOT LIKE, AMAZING, BUT YOU CAN SEE IT.  PS.I LOVE THE FIRST SCENE IS A GUY WITH HIS SHIRT OFF AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS HOW SUNKEN IN HIS STOMACH WAS AND HOW THERE WAS A 100% CHANCE SOMETHING WAS GOING TO BE IN HIS STOMACH LATER AND THAT 100% HAPPENED LIKE 10 TIMES. I FEEL LIKE CRONENBERG MAY EXIST JUST BECAUSE HE FOUND AN ACTOR WITH A REALLY SUNKEN IN STOMACH. LIKE THEY HIRED HIM THEN SAID "NO, MAKE THIS GOOD INSTEAD"

 Hack-O-Lantern [movie] A REVIEW OF THIS MOVIE CALLED GRANDPA 'DIVINE DOING AN EMPOROR PALPATINE IMPERSONATION" AND IT SO IT, IT'S SO GOOD. THE BAD DEVIL MAN IS LIKE CAMP GAY FOGHORN LEGHORN. JUST HIM DOING THINGS LIKE THE WEIRD SECRET HANDSHAKE DEVIL FINGERS THING.  PS. THIS MOVIE HAS LITTLE TO NOTHING TO DO WITH JACKOLANTERNS IN ANY WAY. 

 Microwave Massacre [movie] I SPENT THE FIRST HOUR TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO THE MAIN GUY WAS AND GOT IT DOWN TO 'SOMETHING ANIMATED AND CHRISTIMAS RELATED" BEFORE LOOKING IT UP, AND YEAH! IT'S FROSTY THE SNOWMAN! THIS IS A HORROR COMEDY AND IT KINDA RULED. THE BEST PART IS HOW CLEAR THE 1970S WRITES HAD NO IDEA WHAT EXACTLY A MICROWAVE OVEN *IS*. LIKE NOT IN THE NORMAL "WRITE MICROWAVES AS RADIOACTIVE" TYPE MISUNDERSTANDING, BUT IN A WEIRD "WE DON'T KNOW HOW MICROWAVES COOK. THEY GRILL THINGS, RIGHT?" TYPE OF WAY WHERE IT WAS CONSISTANTLY WRITTEN AS AN OVEN OF SOME SORT WITH DAY LONG BROIL MODE AND A BUNCH OF GRILLING THINGS.  PS. WHY DID THIS END SO ABRUPTLY? THE ENDING MADE SENSE AND WAS TELEGRAPHED BUT IT BASICALLY HAPPENED OFFSCREEN ALL OF A SUDDEN. LIKE THE MOVIE JUST GOT BORED OF BEING ON AND STOPPED. 

 Old People [movie] THIS WAS WAY TOO MUCH A REAL MOVIE FOR HOW SILLY THE NAME AND PREMISE WAS. IT WAS GOOD, BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF IT WAS WORSE. PS. THE POLIICAL THEMES AREN'T TOTALLY ALIEN, BUT YOU CAN TELL THIS IS A FOREIGN (GERMAN) MOVIE BECAUSE OF HOW DIFFERENT THE POLITICAL ISSUES THIS IS A METAPHOR FOR ARE. 

 Centipede  [movie] I HYPED UP THE IDEA THAT A PICTURE OF A CENTIPEDE MAKES A GOOD MOVIE AND MAN IS THAT TRUE, THIS MOVIE JUST ABSOLUTELY RULES. THIS IS JUST EARLY 90S SALUTE YOUR SHORTS LEVEL WRITING BUT A HORROR MOVIE. EVERYTHING IS JUST SO HOKEY AND STUPID AND IT RULES SO MUCH.  PS. NOT *HUMAN* CENTIPEDE, THAT IS A DIFFERENT MOVIE

 Flight 666 [movie] THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE WAS "WE RENTED A CRAPPY AIRPLANE MOVIE SET" THEN THE FILM MAKERS JUST HAVING RANDOM HORROR MOVIE THINGS HAPPEN IN A ROW TILL IT REACHED 90 MINUTES. PS. I BARELY PAID ATTENTION TO THIS AND WOULD HAVE TURNED IT OFF EXCEPT I GOTTA KEEP MY HORROR MOVIE STREAK.... FOR SOME REASON

 Strays [movie] 1991 MADE FOR TELEVISION CAT BASED HORROR MOVIE. 1991 MADE FOR TELEVISION CAT BASED HORROR MOVIE. 1991 MADE FOR TELEVISION CAT BASED HORROR MOVIE! MAN, THIS WAS GREAT. I FEEL LIKE IT HIT A GOOD MIX OF ACTUALLY GOOD SCENES, LIKE THE FACT GOING INTO YOUR BABY'S ROOM AND THE CRIB JUST HAVING A DOZEN CATS IN THERE WOULD BE SCARY AND ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS LIKE HER THROWING ALL THE CATS OVER HER SHOULDERS DIGGING OUT THE BABY. ALSO I LIKE THAT THE FAMILY SEEMED JUST VERY NICE.  PS. EVIL OLEG MOVIE

The Suckling [movie] YOU KNOW A MOVIE IS GOOD WHEN THE ALTERNATIVE TITLE IS “SEWAGE BABY”.  I FEEL LIKE THE MUSIC IS THE HIGHLIGHT. AND TH WEIRD LITTLE GOBLIN FETUS MONSTER.  PS. UGG, WILL WE BE BACK TO HORROR MOVIES ABOUT ILLEGAL ABORTION CLINICS BEING A GENRE?

 Arbor Demon [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS BEYOND BORING. I FEEL LIKE A CAMERA MADE THIS MOVIE. LIKE THE CAMERA WORK WASN'T GREAT, BUT FOR SUCH A LOW BUDGET GARBAGE MOVIE YOU COULD TELL THEY CARED A TON ABOUT THE TECHNICAL ACT OF FILMING AND DID A SHOCKINGLY GOOD JOB AT THAT END, THEN ALSO THE MOVIE CONSTANTLY FOCUSES ON CAMERAS AND PEOPLE USING CAMERAS AND PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT CAMERAS. IT FEELS LIKE A MOVIE FOR CAMERAS.  PS. ALSO THE MOVIE HAD A REALLY GOOD TITLE... SEQUENCE? WHICH AGAIN FELT LIKE SOMEONE WAS GOOD AT USING A CAMERA TO TAKE GOOD PICTURES OF CENTIPEIDS. 

Satantago [book, audiobook] THE THING TO KNOW ABOUT THIS BOOK IS THAT IT'S 333 PAGES LONG BUT WHEN MADE INTO A MOVIE IT WAS OVER SEVEN HOURS LONG. IT'S A BUNCH OF INTERLINKING SOMETIMES SUPERNATURAL STORIES ABOUT THE MOSTLY AWFUL PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN A DECAYING FAILED COMMUNAL ESTATE IN HUNGRY. I DON'T KNOW THIS COMPARISON MAKES ANY SENSE, BUT IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE REVERSE HP LOVECRAFT, WHERE LOVECRAFT IS ALL ABOUT THINGS BEYOND HUMAN UNDERSTANDING DRIVING PEOPLE MAD AND A REOCCURING THEME IN THIS IS PEOPLE BEING DRIVEN MAD BY TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ENTIRELY MUNDANE THINGS AT ALL. IT FEELS KIND OF HARD TO SAY WHAT THIS BOOK IS "ABOUT" BECAUSE IT HAS A VERY POST MODERN TYPE OF ENDING. PS. THIS IS COMEDIC AT TIMES, BUT NOT STRICTLY A COMEDY. I FEEL LIKE I WAS MISSING A LOT BECAUSE THE LARGE NUMBER OF CHARACTERS AND SHORT SPAN MADE THEM GO TO THE SIMPSONS STYLE OF CHARACTER WRITING WHERE EACH PERSON HAS A JOB AND EXACTLY ONE CHARACTER TRAIT THEN THE WRITING IS EACH PERSO

 Demonic Plastic Surgeon [movie] THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD EXCEPT THE FACT IT IS SO EXTREMELY BRITISH IT RULES. ACTUALLY HONESTLY, PARTS OF THIS SUCKED BUT PARTS OF IT WERE KINDA OK.  ALSO I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD WRITE AN ESSAY ON THE TRANGENDER CHARACTER BECAUSE THEY WERE WRITTEN AS AN ANAGONIST IN A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT PLASTIC SURGERY BUT LIKE, THE MOVIE SOMEHOW NEVER WENT FOR ANY LOW BLOW SHOTS? BUT IT ALSO WASN'T GOOD? BUT LIKE FOR SUCH A PEE PEE POO POO JOKE MOVIE IT FEELS SHOCKING THEY NEVER MADE THEM THE BUTT OF THE JOKE? OR THEY DID MAKE THEM THE BUTT OF THE JOKE BUT NOT OF TRANSGENDER BASED JOKES?  PS. DEMONIC PLASTIC SURGERON? MORE LIKE THE GUY THAT WORKED ON THE HELLRAISER GIRL'S LIPS

 Hellraiser 2022 [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REALLY FRUSTRATING. IT'S ALMOST REALLY GOOD. IT'S WAY TOO LONG AND IT FEELS LIKE IT STARTS OVER AS A DIFFERENT MOVIE HALF WAY. THE MAIN CHARACTER IS JUST AWFUL AND EVERYONE IS REALLY NICE TO HER AND THEY NEEDED TO GO ONE WAY OR THE OTHER WITH "SHE'S NICE TOO" OR "METAPHOR FOR DRUG ABUSE" WHERE SHE JUST SEEMS AWFUL. LIKE WHEN THIS MOVIE FINALLY WENT SOMEWHERE IT WAS DECENT. IT JUST FELT LIKE THE SECOND HALF OF THE MOVIE WAS A SEQUEL MOVIE TO THE FIRST HALF OR SOMETHING.  PS. I HAVE JOKED A BUNCH THAT NONE OF THE MOVIES EVER MAKE IT CLEAR WHAT THE PUZZLE BOX ACTUALLY IS AS A PUZZLE AND EVERY MOVIE JUST HAS THEM RUB THEIR FINGER ON THE SHAPES THEN IT OPENS WITH STOP MOTION, THIS MOVIE SEEMED OBSESSED WITH SHOWING IT BEING MECHANICAL AND HAVING INTERACTABLE PUZZLE PARTS, THEN IT HAD A TON OF PLOT THAT INVOLVED PEOPLE TURNING ON AND OFF SWITCHES, SOMEONE ON THIS MOVIE FELT SUPER OBESSED WITH MECHENISISM 

 Deadtime Stories [movie] YEAH, THIS MOVIE IS KINDA JUST GOOD. LIKE, YEAH IT'S BAD, BUT IT KNEW WHAT IT WAS AND WENT FOR IT. THE MIDDLE STORY WAS WORSE THAN THE OTHER TWO BUT ALL THREE WERE DECENT.  PS. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT PRACTICAL EFFECTS VS CGI, BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A PLAYED OUT DISCUSSION BUT ONE THING MISSING IN MODERN BAD HORROR IS ENTIRE STORYLINES SET UP TO MAKE ONE SINGLE EFFECT SHOT, WHERE THE WHOLE MOVIE IS JUST "HEY LOOK AT THIS". LIKE THERE IS NO EQUIVILANT IN MODERN STUFF. 

 Clowntown [movie] IT'S JUST THAT THING WHERE  AMOVIE HAS A CRAAAZY TITLE SO YOU WATCH IT THEN THE MOVIE IS HALLOWEEN STORE PROPS NOTHING. NOT EVEN FUNNY BAD.  PS. I LIKED THAT IMDB SAID THEY JUST FILMED A REAL HOUSE FIRE. 

 Clown of the Dead [movie] OTHER THAN HAVING AN EXTREMELY FUNNY TITLE THIS WAS A WELL ENOUGH MADE INDONESIAN TAKE ON "IT'. IT WASN'T SUPER GREAT BUT IT FEELS LIKE IT SUCCEEDED AT WHAT IT WAS TRYING TO DO. PS. THE DUBBING WAS BAD BUT MOSTLY IN THE WAY THAT ALL THESE MOVIES ARE AND IT WAS FINE FOR WHAT IT WAS. HOWEVER THE CHILD CHARACTERS WERE ALL JUST GROWN MEN WITH THEIR VOICE PITCHED UP AND IT WAS HILARIOUSLY AWFUL. 

 Pipeline [movie] THIS WAS A LESS THAN ZERO BUDGET FILM ABOUT A MONSTER THAT LIVED IN PLUMBING, THIS IS REALLY THE SORT OF MOVIE I SHOULD BE WATCHING, TRYING TO WATCH 30 REAL HORROR MOVIES IS TOO MUCH, BUT WATCHING 30 AWFUL MOVIES IS DOABLE.  PS. THE REVELATION IT IS THEIR GRANDMA!

 The Curse of Humpty Dumpty [movie] I DON'T THINK THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR REAL BUT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW IT'S A VERY SERIOUS DRAMA ABOUT TWO DAUGHTERS DEALING WITH THEIR MOTHER'S DIMENTIA THAT ALSO HAS THE ABSOLUTE STUPIDEST LOOKING EGG CLOWN DOLL MONSTER THING.  PS. I MEAN IT'S NOT SOME ULTRA AMAZING MOVIE BUT THE SERIOUS PLOT IS KINDA COMPELLING, BUT THERE IS JUST EGG CLOWN THERE TOO. 

 The Satanic Rites of Dracula [movie] SOMETHING SEEMS VERY FUNNY ABOUT THE IDEA OF DOING SERIOUS SATANIC RITUALS THEN HAVING IT SUMMON DRACULA. DRACULA IS SUCH A GOOFBALL TYPE MONSTER NOW, LIKE A LITTLE KID WOULD DRESS UP AS DRACULA. ALSO THE IDEA OF DRACULA HIRING SCIENISTS TO MAKE BACTERIA.  PS. I DON'T KNOW, I WAS GOING TO TRY SOME "SCARY MOVIE EVERY NIGHT OF OCTOBER" BUT THE SELECTION ON STREAMING FOR HORROR IS JUST AWFUL. I HAVE TO START LIKE 4 MOVIES TO FIND ONE THAT IS WATCHABLE. 

 Before your Eyes [game] I DON'T KNOW. THIS GAME FELT LIKE A TECH DEMO FOR AN IDEA THAT DIDN'T REALLY FUNCTION. IT'S LIKE, YOU ARE A DEAD SOUL IN THE AFTERLIFE PLEADING YOUR CASE YOUR LIFE HAD MEANING BY WATCHING IT BACK, AND EVERY TIME YOU BLINK TIME JUMPS FORWARD, WITH THE GIMMICK IS THE PHONE CAMERA IRL IS WATCHING YOU SO IT'S WHEN *YOU* BLINK. IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE YOU CAN IMAGINE THE ONE EXACT EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE NARRATIVE THIS COULD HAVE DONE. THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF THE WHOLE GAME SEEMS BASED ON HAVING THE ONE SCENE WHERE THERE IS SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF AND FORCE YOURSELF TO WATCH UNTIL YOU CRY IN REAL LIFE OR WHATEVER, BUT INSTEAD THEY WENT WITH SOME WEIRD DOUBLING BACK UNRELIABLE NARRATOR THING, IT WAS FINE, IT WASN'T TERRIBLE. IT'S JUST WHY EVEN MAKE THAT GAME WITHOUT THE BIG TEAR JERKER PIXAR MOVIE MOMENT? (IS THE REASON BECAUSE BLINK DETECTION MOSTLY SUCKED AND WOULD PROBOBLY AUTOADVANCE ACCIDENTLY FROM A MISDETECTION IF IT TIE

 The Wretched [movie] I DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT THIS MOVIE BUT IT FELT PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO. IT SEEMED FINE BUT I FELT LIKE I WOULD DIE IF I HAD TO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING OCCURRING. PS. I SONT EVEN HAVE A PS BECAUSE I ALREADY FORGOT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED