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Showing posts from January, 2017

Regular Show Finale [television]

THIS IS A SHOW I NEVER REALLY WATCHED. IT SEEMED REALLY GOOD BUT I DO TRY TO AVOID BEING A WEIRDO THAT JUST ONLY WATCHES CHILDRENS CARTOONS SO I NEVER WATCHED THIS MUCH. THAT IS CLEARLY THE BEST WAY TO WATCH THIS FINALE BECAUSE ALL THE CALLBACKS COME OFF AS JUST RANDOM NONSENSE AND THAT SEEMED HILARIOUS TO ME. LIKE RANDOMNESS IS THIS SHOWS THING BUT HAVING IT ALL AT ONCE CAME OUT GREAT.    PS. MAN, THEY CHICKENED OUT, IT WAS SO CLEARLY WRITTEN WITH THEM ALL DYING THEN WINNING 15 BILLION YEARS LATER, NONE OF THAT TRAVELING BACK TO THE FIGHT STUFF.

Death Race 2050 [movie]

THE ORIGINAL IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER. THIS IS OKAY. THIS IS LIKE THE ORIGINAL MIXED WITH HUNGER GAMES AND TIM AND ERIC AND SHARKNADO AND ITS HONESTLY NOT EVEN ANY DUMBER THAN THE ORIGINAL, ITS JUST THAT IT WASNT CLEAR THE ORIGINAL WAS FULLY AWARE HOW DUMB IT WAS AND THIS IS AND THAT MAKES THIS WORSE.       PS. LOOKS LIKE 2017 IS STARTING WITH THE FIRST MOVIE CALLING FOR A REVOLUTION AGAINST DONALD TRUMP. WHICH FITS WITH THE FEELING THEY MADE THIS MOVIE IN A WEEKEND. 1000 POINTS.

Final Fantasy XV [game, amazing]

THIS GAME IS SO MESSED UP BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I HAVE BEEN WAITING MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE TO PLAY THIS AND IT'S WEIRD HOW MUCH IS WRONG WITH IT WHILE IT STILL FEELING ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TO ME. LIKE, ALMOST NOTHING IN THIS GAME FEELS PUT TOGETHER CORRECTLY. THINGS JUST HAPPEN, THE STORY ISN'T CONFUSING EXACTLY BUT EVENTS JUST OCCUR FOR NO RHYME OR REASON AND QUESTS START AND END SUDDENLY AND THE GAME BALANCE IS ALL JACKED UP, BY THE END EVEN THE AUDIO BALANCE IS ALL JACKED UP. PEOPLE JUST SHOW UP THEN DISAPPEAR, 90% OF THE STUFF THAT HAPPENS ISN'T EXPLAINED TILL YOU SEE IT WRITTEN OUT IN A LOADING SCREEN LATER IN THE GAME. THE OPEN WORLD IS TOO BIG AND YOU CAN EASILY END UP NEEDING TO PUT THE CONTROLLER DOWN FOR TEN ENTIRE MINUTES TO GET SOMEWHERE, ALSO EVERY 5TH LOW FENCE YOU JUMP OVER PLAYS THE JAPANESE AUDIO SO YOU SOUND LIKE A WEIRD GRUNTY GRAMPA. BUT SOMEHOW ALL THESE COMPLAINTS DO NOTHING TO HURT THIS GAME. THIS GAME *IS* THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN THE DUDES AND THEY H

The Parent Trap [movie]

THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT THE GRANDMOTHER IS AWFUL BECAUSE IT GIVES AN IMPLIED PREMISE ON THE ORIGIN OF SUCH A FUCKED UP CHILD CUSTODY ARRANGEMENT COULD BE MADE. THE BEST PART WAS THE REVEREND WANTING A DOUBLE BRANDY. ALSO I FEEL THAT THIS MOVIE HAS NO IDEA HOW MOSQUITOES WORK.   PS. HOW OLD IS VICKIE EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE? ANYWAY?

Mass Effect 3 [game]

IT'S WEIRD. THIS GAME IS BASICALLY FAMOUS FOR HAVING A TERRIBLE STORY AND ENDING. AND IT KINDA STILL DOES BUT I FEEL LIKE I PLAYED A SECRET VERSION MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T PLAY, BECAUSE THEY KEPT ADDING AND PATCHING AND DLCING THIS GAME FOR LIKE TWO YEARS AFTER IT CAME OUT AND THEN FAILED TO EVER ACTUALLY SELL ANY SORT OF 'GAME OF THE YEAR" OR "ULTIMATE EDITION' SO TO ACTUALLY SEE THE WHOLE STORY YOU HAD TO WAIT TWO YEARS AND SPEND LIKE 120 BUCKS OR SOMETHING. I DIDN'T DO THAT, I PIRATED THE GAME, BECAUSE OF THE DLC AND BECAUSE IT'S NOT ON STEAM ANYMORE AND IT WASN'T THE BEST STORY EVER BUT IT WAS ODDLY OKAY. WHEN YOU HAVE THE EXTENDED CUT AND JAVIS AND LEVIATHAN AND THE GOOFBALL CITADEL TOUCHING SEND OFF IT'S ALL AN OKAY STORY. ALTHOUGH EVEN GETTING A RELATIVELY GOOD ENDING IT STILL WAS BLEAK AS FUCK AND THAT MAYBE WASN'T WHAT I NEED RIGHT THIS SECOND.   PS. I FEEL ACTUALLY ANGRY NO ONE LIVED IN THE BATHROOM. THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN SERIES FEELS

Wax or the Discovery of Television Among the Bees [movie, amazing]

OF COURSE I LOVE THIS MOVIE. I ALWAYS LOVE TERRIBLE ART MOVIES LIKE THIS. IT LETS ME PRETEND IM CULTURED AND ARTISTIC INSTEAD OF JUST DUMB. I LOVE HOW ABSOLUTELY CLEAR IT IS THAT BECAUSE THIS WAS SOME FIRST DIGITALLY EDITED MOVIE THAT THE WHOLE NONSENSE PLOT IS JUST TORTURED ATTEMPT TO MAKE A BUNCH OF GOVERNMENT STOCK FOOTAGE AND SCENE TRANSITION EFFECTS INTO SOME SORT OF PLOT. *SOME* SORT OF PLOT.     PS. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE TO SOMEONE BUT I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE ID KNOW WHAT TO SAY IF I DID. 

My Sex Robot [movie, nonfiction]

I LOVE THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS HORRIBLE THING WAS CREEPY AND GROSS AND ALSO ALL THE ROBOTS WERE EVEN CREEPIER AND GROSSER. ALSO I REALLY LIKE THAT SOMEHOW THEY FOUND SOMEONE WEIRDER THAN THE ROBOT PEOPLE WITH THE SEX HYPNOTIST. THE ONLY GUY I FELT BAD FOR WAS THE HISPANIC ASIAN GUY THAT JUST WANTED A SEX ROBOT TO DEFEND HIM FROM BULLIES. I LIKED THE GUY'S GROSS WIFE, SHE SEEMED SWEET. SHE WENT ALONG WITH HIS DUMB STUFF SO WELL.     PS. THE BEST PART WAS THE GUY SAYING THE ROBOT NEEDED TO BE EXACTLY FIVE FEET AND ONE INCH TALL BUT THEN NOT GIVING A FUCK WHAT SKIN OR FACE OR HAIR LOOKED LIKE. THAT WAS HIS ONE THING I GUESS? 

Alpha and Omega 6: Dino Digs [movie, garbage]

I DON'T KNOW, THERE IS SEVEN OF THESE AND I DIDN'T WATCH THE ONE WHERE THEY MEET A DINOSAUR SO I WATCHED THE ONE THEY MET A DINOSAUR. THE PART THAT WAS MOST INTERESTING IS THE WEIRD PREMISE THAT A GOOD DINOSAUR AND A BAD DINOSAUR WERE BURIED IN SACRED GROUND AND IF THEIR CORPSE EVER SAW LIGHT THEY'D REVIVE BUT NEEDED TO DIE AGAIN OR THEIR SOUL WOULD "PERISH". LIKE, WHAT? I AM EVEN LESS CLEAR ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP OF THE DUCKS AND THEY SEEMED TO HAVE THE SAME VOICE.     PS.  I TURN ON NETFLIX AND MOVIES I DON'T WANT TO WATCH WHEN I NEED BACKGROUND NOISE OR SOMETHING AND THIS IS THE MOST BACKGROUND NOISE MOVIE IN HISTORY.

The Fireclown [book,amazing]

I BOUGHT THIS BOOK IRONICALLY BECAUSE OF THE HILARIOUS NAME AND COVER BUT ACTUALLY READING THIS BOOK.... IT'S.... GOOD? AND I DID NOT EXPECT THAT AT ALL. OR AT LEAST THE FIRST THIRD OF THE BOOK IS LEGIT GOOD AND IS A VERY SLOW AND DELIBERATE POLITICAL STORY ABOUT A STAGNATING WORLD AND THE POLITICS AROUND A NONSENSICAL RELIGIOUS/POLITICAL MOVEMENT AND HOW DIFFERENT GROUPS REACT TO IT. THEN THE SECOND THIRD OF THE BOOK WAS ALSO A GOOD BUT SORT OF MUDDLED STORY WITH MORE SCI-FI TWISTS AND SORT OF A MEANDERING PLOT THAT WAS IMPERFECT BUT I GET WHAT THEY WERE GOING FOR AND HAD SOME GOOD IDEAS. THE LAST 5 PAGES JUST TURN INTO FEVER DREAM NONSENSE AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN CAN EVEN PROCESS WHAT IT'S EVEN SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE. IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I CAN (AND HAVE) POSTED SO MANY PASSAGES THAT MAKE THIS BOOK SEEM VERY SILLY AND WACKY BUT ACTUALLY IT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD? AND NOT EXTREMELY WACKY TILL MAYBE THE LAST FEW PAGES.   PS. IT'S OVERLY OBVIOUS BUT IT WAS IMPOSSI

Alpha and Omega 7: The Big Fureeze [movie, garbage]

JESUS CHRIST, DIDN'T THE FIRST MOVIE COME OUT LIKE 4 YEARS AGO? HOW ARE THERE SEVEN OF THESE GROSS THINGS. HOW DID THIS COME OUT IN 2016 WITH SO MANY ANIMATION ERRORS? WHY WAS THERE SO MANY SCENES WHERE OMEGA WANTED TO FUCK HIS GROSS HOT WIFE?   PS. ARE THE GOOSE AND DUCK CANONICALLY GAY MARRIED OR IS IT A GAY JOKE THAT IT'S FUNNY THAT THEY ACT MARRIED OR IS IT THAT THE GOOSE IS A GIRL AND JUST HAS A BOY VOICE FOR SOME REASON?

Mass Effect 2 [game]

MASS EFFECT 1 WAS OFF BRAND STAR TREK PLUS CLUNKY THIRD PERSON SHOOTING AND LAUGHABLY BAD DRIVING. THIS GAME FELT LEGITIMATELY LIKE A REALLY GOOD GAME, THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN A GENRE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT PLAYING. EVEN THE STORY MANAGED TO HIT SOME REALLY CREATIVE SCI-FI POINTS. LIKE AT THIS POINT I DON'T FEEL LIKE I *DO* HAVE A GOOD ANSWER ON WHO'S RIGHT IN THE GENOPHAGE STUFF. ON THE OTHER HAND SHEPARD IS THE WORST CHARACTER EVER AND I HATE THEM SO MUCH EVEN WITH ALL THE PLAYER CHOICE STUFF, EVERYTHING FEELS SO MANUFACTURED TO HAVE THEM SAY "BADASS" STUFF AND THEY JUST COME OFF AS SO FRIGGIN LAME ALL THE TIME AND I HATE IT. MORDAN SOLUS IS THE BEST THING IN THE GAME THOUGH. DO THEY HAVE SPACE AUTISM? NO ONE ELSE TALKS LIKE THAT. (THE BEST PART IS THE LEVEL THAT IS JUST THE STAR TREK PLANET WHERE EVERYONE GETS DRUNK BUT IT'S TAKEN ALL GRIM DARK BECAUSE THAT IS SUCH AN OBVIOUS IDEA FOR A STORY BUT GOD, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE EVER DOING THAT EVER)