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Showing posts from February, 2011

Enthiran [movie]

THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE COHERENTLY IT'S SO FRIGGIN AWESOME. EVEN THE MUSIC VIDEOS WERE AWESOME. IT WASN'T EVEN REMOTELY GOOD, JUST AWESOME. PS. LOL AT THE MOSQUITO SUBPLOT ACTUALLY HAVING A POINT IN ESTABLISHING BLOOD TYPES, LOL AT THE NON-WESTERN ATTITUDE ON NUDITY THAT MADE THE FIRE SCENE SUPER CONFUSING.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex [book]

THINGS I LEARNED FROM THIS BOOK: - GIRLS ONLY ORGASM FROM SEX IF THEY ARE BORN WITH A CLITORIS WITHIN ONE INCH OF THEIR VAGINA, THIS IS LESS LIKELY TO BE THE CASE FOR LARGE BREASTED WOMEN - IF A GIRL MASTURBATES WHILE MENSTRUATING WITH A SPECULUM IN THEY WILL SHOOT BLOOD LIKE A WATER GUN - THE AVERAGE FEMALE WILL BECOME PHYSICALLY AROUSED WATCHING APES HAVE SEX WHILE THE AVERAGE MALE WILL NOT. PS. THIS IS A 329 PAGE BOOK THAT ENDS ON PAGE 197, THAT FEELS LIKE SOME KIND OF RECORD.

Noriko's Dining Room Table [movie]

THIS IS A SEQUEL/SIDE STORY TO SUICIDE CLUB. BUT WITH NONE OF THE SURREAL AND VERY FEW OF THE ULTRA-VIOLENT ELEMENTS, WHICH MAKES THIS A VERY LONG, SLOW, SAD MOVIE, NOT PUNCTUATED BY MUSICAL NUMBERS OR BLOODBATHS. IT DID HAVE 'PROSTITUTES' THAT YOU PAID TO HAVE TIME AS A FAMILY INSTEAD OF SEX BUT IF IT TURNED OUT THAT ACTUALLY EXISTED I WOULDN'T EVEN BE SURPRISED. ALSO IT HAD A PHILOSOPHY BUT NOT ONE THAT WILL LEAVE ME THINKING ABOUT IT FOR DAYS LIKE THE FIRST DID. PS. THIS MOVIE IS FINE, GOOD EVEN, BUT MAN HAD I FORGOTTEN HOW AMAZING A MOVIE SUICIDE CLUB WAS, AND WATCHING THIS WAS RUINED BY THE FACT THAT I KEPT THINKING ABOUT HOW PERFECT A MOVIE THE MOVIE I WASN'T WATCHING WAS.

Diagnoses from the Dead: The Book of Autopsy [book]

THIS WASN'T A BAD BOOK IN ANY WAY BUT THE WHOLE THING HAD A WEIRD TONE OF BEING AN INFORMATIONAL PAMPHLET. LIKE IT WOULD HAVE LISTS AND SEEM UNABLE TO DISTINGUISH THE IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE LIST FROM THE UNIMPORTANT PARTS AND PRESENT THEM ALL WITH EQUAL WEIGHT. LIKE ONE OF THE REASONS IT GAVE THAT PEOPLE MIGHT NOT GET AUTOPSY ARE THAT MAYBE THEIR FUNERAL DIRECTOR HAD A PERSONAL FIGHT WITH AN AUTOPSY TECHNICIAN. AND I MEAN I GUESS MAYBE THAT COULD HAPPEN BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT IS COMMON ENOUGH TO NEED TO LIST AS A REASON. PS. I GUESS THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN PARTLY BY MEDICAL STUDENTS AND IT DOES KIND OF HAVE THAT FEELING OF BEING AN ESSAY SOMEONE WROTE FOR CLASS. EVEN IF THE SUBJECT MATTER MAKES IT REASONABLY INTERESTING ANYWAY.

The Toxic Avenger [movie]

THIS IS A GOOD MOVIE BECAUSE THE ANTAGONISTS ARE A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS INCLUDING A PRETTY BLOND WHO RUNS AWAY AND CRIES, WHILE THE PROTAGONIST IS A HULKING MONSTER BUT IT'S SUBTLE ENOUGH ABOUT THAT TO NOT MAKE YOU NOTICE THE INVERSION. ALSO THIS MOVIE ALMOST SEEMS LIKE THE FORBIDDEN ZONE AT TIMES WITH IT'S USE OF PEOPLE MAKING SILLY REPETITIVE MOVEMENTS AND IT'S LOVE OF CLOSEUP SHOTS OF PEOPLE WITH DUBBED IN SILLY VOICES. PS. THERE ARE CERTAIN MOVIES I ALWAYS PUT OFF WATCHING BECAUSE THEY ARE SO LIKE MOVIES I'D WATCHED THAT EVERYONE ASSUMES I WOULD HAVE ALREADY THEN WATCHING THEM ADMITS I HAD NOT BEFORE. SEE: ERASERHEAD.

At Home: A Short History of Private Life [book]

I REALLY LIKED THIS BOOK AND IT TAUGHT ME THINGS LIKE WHAT A LIMELIGHT WAS AND WHY IT'S CALLED A PANTRY BUT I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND WHY IT WAS STRUCTURED THE WAY IT WAS. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST MAKE THE LAST CHAPTER 'THE HOUSE' AND PUT ALL HIS STORIES ABOUT VICTORIAN ARCHITECTS THERE? I DIDN'T REALLY EVEN HATE THE PARTS ABOUT VICTORIAN ARCHITECTS BUT HE STUCK THEM IN SO RANDOMLY IT ALWAYS JUST MADE ME WISH HE'D GET BACK ON TOPIC WHEN HE WENT INTO IT EVERY OTHER CHAPTER AND IT WOULD HAVE MADE PERFECT SENSE AS A CLOSING CHAPTER INSTEAD OF A RANDOM SPRINKLING DERAILING NEARLY EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER. PS. A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE THIS BOOK BECAUSE IT'S BASICALLY LIKE READING WIKIPEDIA BUT I REALLY LIKE READING WIKIPEDIA SO I REALLY LIKED THIS BOOK.

Cloak & Dagger [movie]

I WATCHED THIS WHOLE MOVIE IN A CLASS OF MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS BECAUSE THEY KEPT CALLING ME TO FIX THE PROJECTOR SO I JUST STAYED AND WATCHED THE WHOLE MOVIE AND IT WAS AWESOME BECAUSE THE KIDS WERE SUPER CONFUSED AT WHICH PARTS OF THE CRAPPY COMPUTER DISPLAYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HIGH TECH AND IMPRESSIVE OR NOT AND WHICH PARTS FIT INTO THE REGULAR GAME. ALSO LOL THAT THE MOVIE SEEMINGLY SPENT TIME ESTABLISHING WHAT THE FUNCTION OF A WALKIE TALKIE TO THE VIEWER. PS. I THINK IT'S FUNNY THE KID WAS SEEMINGLY LEGITIMATELY MENTALLY ILL, LIKE THEY HAD A LOT OF SCENES WHERE BLACKJACK HELPED HIM OUT BUT THEY ALSO HAD SCENES WHERE BLACK JACK WANTED HIM TO RUN THROUGH TRAFFIC FOR NO APPARENT REASON AND HIDE IN A TRUNK WITH THE CORPSE OF HIS FRIEND.

Gamer [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I HAVE EVER SEEN A MOVIE BEFORE WHERE THERE WAS SUCH AN OBVIOUS FIGHT WITHIN THE PRODUCTION WITH ONE SIDE TRYING TO MAKE A SERIOUS PLOT WITH HARD SCI-FI AND GENUINELY ORIGINAL IDEAS LIKE SOCIETY CITY AND ONE SIDE WANTING TO SAY LINES LIKE 'RICKY DICKY DOO" OR INCLUDE A DANCE NUMBER FIGHT. PS. WHAT WAS RAPE RAKE? WAS HE A DOG? WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND A DOG WAS CONTROLLING HIM? I DIDN'T GET THAT PART AT ALL. WAS HE COMEDY RELIEF OR DID HE MEAN SOMETHING? WERE THEY EVEN SAYING "RAPE RAKE"?

Inside [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE! I HAD HEARD ONLY GOOD THINGS ABOUT IT BUT EVERY SINGLE PART WAS AWFUL! WHY WERE THE POLICE SO DISMISSIVE OF THE PHOTO? WHY WERE THEY SO DISMISSIVE IN GENERAL? WHY DID THE MOVIE HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE COME TO THE HOUSE AND IMMEDIATELY DIE? WHY DID THEY HAVE SO MANY SCENES WHERE SHE'D COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM, WANDER AROUND, THEN GO BACK IN THE BATHROOM? WHY DID GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A TOASTER MAKE HER NEED A TRACHEOTOMY? WHY DID SHE SWITCH FROM HIDING AND CRYING TO KNOWING HOW TO MAKE A TRACHEOTOMY, A CRAZY EXTENDO SWORD AND A FLAME THROWER ALL OF A SUDDEN? WHY DID SHE HAVE HAIR SPRAY IN HER KITCHEN AT ALL? WHY DID THE POLICE OFFICER CARE ABOUT THE ELECTRICITY? WHY DID HE BRING THE TEEN CRIMINAL ANYWAY? WHERE DID THE GUN THEY GAVE HER GO? WHERE DID THE GUN THE TEEN HAVE GO? WHY DID THEY GIVE THE TEEN A GUN? WHY WAS HE SO SKEPTICAL SOMEONE WAS IN THE ROOM WHEN THEY WERE FIXING THE ELECTRICITY? DID THE COP BECOME A CRAZY ZOMBIE MAN? WHY? WHY WASN'T HE

Jeopardy: IBM challenge.

I LITERALLY THINK ABC SAID 'WHAT DAY WOULD THE MOST PEOPLE BE HOME THAT HAD INTEREST IN WATCHING A REVOLUTIONARY AI COMPETITION' AND SOMEONE SAID VALENTINES DAY TO TROLL NERDS. PS. AND THE LORD SAID, BEHOLD, THE PEOPLE IS ONE, AND THEY HAVE ALL ONE LANGUAGE AND NOW NOTHING WILL BE RESTRAINED FROM THEM, WHICH THEY HAVE IMAGINED TO DO.

Charlie Brown Valentines [television]

FUCK THIS SHIT

Zardoz [movie]

THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT SEAN CONERRY STEALING A GIANT FLOATING HEAD THAT PUKES GUNS. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A GENERIC 70S SCI-FI WITH A PLOT THAT COULD HAVE FIT INTO A STAR TREK EPISODE EXCEPT THINGS LIKE A SCENE WHERE A GUY TALKS GIBERISH THEN EVERYONE CLAPS FOR NO REASON, AN ONSCREEN METER THAT SHOWS HOW MUCH OF AN ERECTION CONERRY HAS, A GUY IN THE BACKGROUND WITH A GIANT HEAD THAT IS NEVER MENTIONED AND THE FACT IT ENDS WITH THE MAIN CHARACTERS TURNING INTO SKELETONS IN A HILARIOUSLY ODD SERIES OF IMAGES SYMBOLIZING THEM GROWING OLD TOGETHER. PS. I HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN BECAUSE MAYBE I MISUNDERSTOOD BUT THERE WAS A PART NEAR THE START WHERE HE TOUCHES A FERN AND IT SAYS 'HEY!" AND NOTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENS AGAIN AND I HAVE NO FRIGGIN CLUE WHAT THAT WAS.

Enter The Void [movie]

I REALLY WANTED THIS TO BE A GREAT MOVIE BECAUSE IT REALLY COULD HAVE BEEN BUT THE LOUSY ACTORS AND THE LONG TRANSITIONS BETWEEN EVERY SINGLE SCENE HAD ME WATCHING THE LAST 40 MINUTES IN 1.5 SPEED, EVEN THE SEX SCENES. LOOSE THREADS LIKE THE INCEST STUFF JUST MADE ALL THE PEOPLE UNLIKEABLE. PS. ABORTION IS APPARENTLY PREFORMED BY PUTTING THREE DIFFERENT TOOLS IN A LADY THEN SHAKING THEM BACK AND FORTH REALLY VAGUELY.

Front Mission 3 [game]

IT WAS SUPER WEIRD AND JAPANESE TO HAVE A NUCLEAR BOMB WITH NO RADIATION BE SUCH AN ULTIMATE WEAPON I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN AN AMERICAN WRITTEN STORY. ALSO I LIKE THAT I HAVE PLAYED EVERY FRONT MISSION GAME IN ORDER ROUGHLY A DECADE AFTER IT COMES OUT, IT'S LIKE A FRONT MISSION TIME WARP. PS. I SPENT THE FIRST FEW DAYS I OWNED THIS ASSUMING THE PS3 WAS MESSING UP THE PLAY CLOCK BY EMULATING A PS1 GAME BECAUSE I COULDN'T REALLY TRUST THE TIMES WHEN LIKE 4 HOURS WOULD GO BY IN ONE SITTING.

Devil [movie]

THIS WASN'T OVER THE TOP AWFUL LIKE THE HAPPENING WAS AND WAS MORE JUST MEANDERING AND BLAH BUT MAN WAS EVERY NON-WHITE A SUPER STEREOTYPE! THE BLACK GUY WAS A GANG MEMBER, THE HISPANIC WAS A SIMPLEMINDED RELIGIOUS CATHOLIC, AND THE PAKISTANI(?) GUY WAS A SLIMEY HUCKSTER. GREAT JOB! PS. THE OLD LADY IS THE DEVIL, THERE, I SPOILED IT. WHAT A TWIST! IS MY MOVIE ATONEMENT DONE NOW? CAN I WATCH REAL MOVIES AGAIN?

Sex and the City 2 [movie]

WHO WAS IT THAT WATCHED THE FIRST MOVIE AND SAID 'MAN THIS WAS A GOOD MOVIE BUT ALL IT NEEDS IS A WHOLE BUNCH MORE ANTI-MUSLIM JOKES TO BE TRULY PERFECT. THE BEST SCENE WAS THE PART THEY LITERALLY SHOVED THE DAUGHTER OFF CAMERA THEN ONCE SHE WAS OFF CAMERA SHE DIDN'T EXIST ANYMORE. PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT IT IS ONE OF THE ONLY MOVIES THAT USES FEMALE GAZE AND AT FIRST I FEEL BAD SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S DONE IN SUCH A STUPID AND CRAPPY WAY BUT THEN REALLY WHEN I STARTED THINKING THAT I REALIZED MALE GAZE STUFF IN MOVIES ISN'T REALLY ANY LESS AWFUL AND OFFENSIVE OR ACTUALLY FILMED ANY MORE SKILLFULLY THAN CLOSEUPS OF BONERS.

Salò [movie]

THIS IS BASED ON THAT BOOK THAT MADE THE MARQUES DE SADE THE MARQUES DE SADE AND IT'S EXACTLY AS TERRIBLE AS YOU WOULD THINK THAT WOULD BE. PS. I WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES CLAIMED TO BE THE MOST SOMETHING SOMETHING EVER. I THINK THAT MAKES ME WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES THAT ARE HORRIBLE AND I ALWAYS HAVE A LITTLE FEAR I AM GOING TO GET FALSELY ACCUSED AS A SERIAL KILLER OR SOMETHING AND SOMEONE WILL LIST THESE HORRIBLE MOVIES AS PROOF.