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Showing posts from March, 2017

Tales from the Borderlands [game]

I HAVE SUCH MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT TELL TALE GAMES. LIKE ON ONE HAND A ROBOT SITS IN A FACTORY AND POOPS OUT 8 OF THESE A DAY AND THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND EACH ONE HAS A HIGHER BUDGET THAN EVERY OTHER ADVENTURE GAME COMBINED SO LIKE THEY ARE BOTH REPETITIVE GARBAGE BUT ALSO LIKE ACTUALLY SUPER GOOD? LIKE AT THIS POINT THEY FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE SO LITTLE INTERACTIVITY THEY AREN'T EVEN HITTING THE POINT OF BEING INTERACTIVE MOVIES AND ARE JUST REGULAR OLD MOVIES BUT LIKE, IT'S AN OKAY MOVIE? SORT OF? THEY TOLD A COMPELLING STORY IN THE VERY STUPID BORDERLANDS UNIVERSE?   PS. WHY DID THIS GAME FEEL LIKE IT NEEDED TO CONSTANTLY HAVE LIKE 400 PEOPLE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES? I FEEL LIKE THAT IS ANOTHER TELLTALE GAME THING. IT CAN'T JUST HAVE NORMAL PARTY SIZES FOR A VIDEOGAME, IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE LIKE YOU AND 14 OTHER PEOPLE AND THEY ALL HAVE TO FAKE DIE LIKE 10 TIMES EACH AND IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY NOT EVEN CAMEOS OF BORDERLANDS FAN FAVOR...

Power Rangers [movie]

THIS WAS A DUMB AND BAD MOVIE BUT I THINK MAYBE I SORT OF LIKED IT? IT FEELS LIKE IT WAS A MOVIE THAT WAS FILMED IN 2002 WHILE HAVING A BUNCH OF MOVIE TROPES AND MUSIC FROM THE 1980S, WHICH IS REALLY WEIRD BECAUSE THAT IS THE COMPLETE LIST OF YEARS POWER RANGERS DIDN'T COME OUT IN. I THINK I AM REALLY CHARMED AT HOW THIS LARGELY DID A GOOD JOB OF STRUGGLING TO MAKE SENSE OF ALL THE RANDOM STUPID NONSENSE FROM THE MESS OF THE ORIGINAL SHOW AND MAKE IT MOSTLY FIT TOGETHER BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL STORY EVEN BOTHERED TO TRY. I LIKE THEY EVEN MADE A THIN EXPLANATION FOR THE EARLY 90S BURGER KING KID'S CLUB DIVERSITY (5 DIFFERENT COLORED RANGERS: 5 DIFFERENT COLORED CHILDREN) THEN ADDED A GAY PERSON AND SOMEONE WHO WAS EXPLICITLY AUTISTIC INSTEAD OF JOKE AUTISTIC.  PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THIS MOVIE OPENED WITH A JOKE ABOUT JERKING OFF A COW THEN A CLOSEUP ON A COW WEINER AND RITA WAS STUPID AND THEY NEVER PUT HER IN A SPACE DUMPSTER.

Logan [movie]

THIS WAS REALLY GOOD! GOOD TO THE POINT IT FELT LIKE IT SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN BEEN AN X-MEN MOVIE. LIKE IT FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE STAND ALONE. LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN IT'S OWN THING AS AN OFF BRAND NOT QUITE XMEN STORY. OR MAYBE I'M JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I ALWAYS GO INTO COMIC BOOK MOVIES KNOWING EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND THIS WAS IT'S OWN THING ENOUGH I MOSTLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE IT HAPPENED.   PS. I LIKE THAT HYPNO SODA GOT A WEIRD BACKGROUND STORY WITH A BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END WITHOUT REALLY EVER BEING DIRECTLY MENTIONED AND I LIKE THAT IT WAS PAIRED WITH PRINGLES IN ONE SCENE IN A WAY THAT IMPLIES MAYBE PRINGLES ARE ADDICTIVE GOVERNMENT REPRODUCTIVE POISON? DID PRINGLES PAY TO BE IN THIS MOVIE?

Listening [movie]

THIS MOVIE WANTS TO BE GOOD AND IT'S ALMOST GOOD BUT IT JUST ISN'T. IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE HAD A TEXT BOOK OPEN OF FILM TRICKS AND EVERY SCENE HAD TO BE ONE NO MATTER IF IT MADE SENSE OR NOT. LIKE WHEN THE WIFE IS SHAVING THE LITTLE PUNK PART OF HER HEAD YOU COULD JUST TELL 100% THAT IT WAS COPYING SOME CINEMATIC SCENE WHERE SOME WIFE WAS SHAVING HER HEAD FROM CANCER BUT LIKE, WHY? WHY WOULD YOU FILM IT THAT WAY? EVERY SCENE JUST SEEMED TO BE FILMED SOME 'WAY'. BUT IT ALL FELT RANDOM, SO LIKE RANDOM SCENE IN A DINNER JUST RANDOMLY HAS A GOLD FILTER ON IT I GUESS? IT WAS REALLY DISTRACTING! PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THE IMPLICATION THAT LITERALLY ONLY THE SCIENCE DAD KNEW HOW TO MAKE A SCIENCE FAIR VOLCANO ERUPT AND WITHOUT HIM AROUND NO ONE ELSE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY HELPED HER.  

Emily is Away [game]

HA, HOLY CRAP. THIS IS SUCH AN EXTREMELY SPECIFIC TARGET OF NOSTALGIA! BEING IN COLLEGE ON AIM IN THE EARLY 2000S. ALSO: I ANSWERED ALL THE ANSWERS BASED ON HOW I'D HAVE REALLY ANSWERED THINGS AND IT MADE AN ACCURATE RESULT OF PRETTY MUCH NOTHING AT ALL EVER HAPPENING IN THE GAME EVER.     PS. I LOVE THE LARGE AMOUNT OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IN THE ICONS AND IN THE USE OF AIM SOUNDS.

Marvin's Room [play, podcast]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THIS. IT'S HALF WAY BETWEEN BEING EXTREMELY THEMATICALLY STRONG BY HAVING A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS IN END OF LIFE SITUATIONS THAT ARE ALL TOTALLY DIFFERENT BUT THEN ALSO IT'S A WICKED BAD "HERE IS SOME STUFF THAT HAPPENED' PLAY THAT IS JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM STUFF THAT DOESN'T REALLY GO ANYWHERE. LIKE THE CENTRAL STORY ARC IS REALLY ABOUT HANK BUT LIKE, WHY? HE SORT OF JUST HAS HIS OWN THING AND NONE OF THE ACTUALLY STUFF THE PLAY WAS ABOUT REALLY IS ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.       PS. I GOT SO INTO THIS THING. I SAT IN MY CAR TO HEAR THE END. A LONG TIME AGO I USED TO DRIVE BACK FROM PORTLAND MOST SUNDAY NIGHTS AND HEAR THE RADIO DRAMAS AND I MISS THAT A LOT. I ALSO LISTENED TO A TERRIBLE THING WHERE A GUY MADE A TIME BOMB TO MURDER HIS WIFE AND THEN BURGLARS TIED HIM UP AND HE HAD TO COUNT DOWN THE LAST HOUR BUT IT TURNED OUT HIS WIFE HAD A SECRET CRIMINAL BROTHER INSTEAD OF A SECRET BOYFRIEND THEN SHE TOOK ALL THE FERTILIZER OUT ...

Trolls [movie]

WHAT EVEN IS THE MESSAGE OF THIS MOVIE? THAT SOCIETY TELLS YOU THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BE HAPPY BUT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY: ROMANTIC LOVE? WHO NEEDS THAT MESSAGE? LIKE IF ANYTHING 'HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ONLY WAY TO BE HAPPY" IS THE MESSAGE. ARE THE TROLLS DRUGS? THE MAIN TROLL IS NAMED "POPPY". IS THIS A MOVIE WHERE THE MESSAGE IS "SOCIETY TELLS YOU EATING POPPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO BE HAPPY, BUT MAYBE YOU COULD GET A GIRLFRIEND INSTEAD"?   PS. I THINK I WATCHED MOANA AND NOW AM GOING THROUGH ALL THE TRASH LEVEL CGI CARTOONS NOW THAT THEY ARE ALL ON PIRATE STREAMING STUFF.

Moana [movie]

THIS WAS REALLY GOOD BUT THE PACING WAS WEIRD, EVERYTHING KEPT HAPPENING REAL FAST THEN MOVING ON. I JUST WANT TO SEE THE CRAB MORE. ALSO THERE WAS A LOT OF SIDEKICKS THAT KINDA DIDNT GO ANYWHERE. PS. I DONT THINK DISNEY HAS EVER MADE A MOVIE THEY WILL HAVE AN EASIER TIME MAKING INTO A KINGDOM HEARTS LEVEL.

Invisible Inc [game]

THIS IS AN STEALTH XCOM-LIKE. X-COM HAD THE PROBLEM THAT THE GAME IS 20 HOURS LONG AND STUFF YOU DO IN THE SECOND MISSION FEELS LIKE IT COULD SCREW YOU 9 HOURS IN ADVANCE. THIS GAME IS THE OPPOSITE. IT'S SHOCKINGLY SHORT. IT'S LIKE 3 OR 4 MISSIONS AND THEN THE GAME IS OVER. I GUESS I NEED TO PLAY THIS A FEW MORE TIMES TO SEE IF THAT IS ACTUALLY FUN OR NOT? LIKE I CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED THE WAY TO MAKE THE GAME EASY, BUT IS IT FUN TO PLAY MULTIPLE TIMES WITHOUT JUST PICKING THE BEST STUFF? PS. ALSO THERE IS APPARENTLY JUST ONE ENDING WHICH IS WEIRD, SINCE IT'S SUCH A WEIRD ENDING AND YOU'D THINK A GAME YOU WERE MEANT TO PLAY A BUNCH OF TIMES WOULD HAVE MULTIPLE ENDINGS.

Dungeon Master's Guide: 5e [book]

YEAH, I READ SOME DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS NONSENSE LIKE A BOOK. I GOT AN IPAD THAT CAN FINALLY DISPLAY PDFS IN AN OKAY WAY AND I WANTED TO USE IT FOR SOMETHING SO, WELP! I THINK THE MOST I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS IS HOW HILARIOUS IT IS HOW MUCH OVER THE YEARS THE VITAL BOOK WENT FROM BEING THIS TO BEING THE PLAYER'S HANDBOOKS. THIS BOOK HAD BARELY ANY SUBSTANCE IN IT, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SELL 8 COPIES OF THIS LIKE THEY CAN THE PLAYER'S HANDBOOK.   PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS WAS THE PARAGRAPH TRYING TO EXPLAIN YOU SHOULD MOVE YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU TALK.

Fire Emblem Heroes [game]

SUPER MARIO RUN FELT LIKE A REALLY BAD GAME, THIS FEELS LIKE THEY ACTUALLY TRIED TO MAKE SOMETHING OKAY. IT'S STILL JUST ONE OF A MILLION JAPANESE STYLE MOBILE GAMES THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER ONE BUT IT AT LEAST HAS SOME STYLE TO IT AND ISN'T TOTALLY MINDLESS. ON THE OTHER HAND I FEEL LIKE I GOT LUCKY ROLLS EARLY ON ON THE GACHA MACHINE AND THAT MADE THE GAME LESS FUN INSTEAD OF MORE FUN SO THAT SEEMS BAD.   PS. I HAD TO PLAY THIS GAME RIGHT AT LAUNCH SO ALL THE ENDLESS CHAPTERS WOULDN'T BE IN AND I COULD GET TO CHAPTER NINE WHERE THE STORY STOPS AND SAY 'AH YES, THE END OF THE GAME' AND PRETEND THIS ISN'T GOING TO KEEP RUNNING FOR LIKE 8 MORE YEARS.

GANTZ:O [movie, anime]

THEY NEED TO REMAKE GANTZ LIKE 8 MORE TIMES SO THAT SOMEDAY I CAN FIGURE OUT IF GANTZ IS ACTUALLY GOOD OR IF GANTZ IS ACTUALLY BAD. I REALLY LEGITIMATELY DON'T KNOW!   PS. THE NAKED LADY NAKED LADY WAS A COOL MONSTER I GUESS?