Capital Reviews

EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE SEEMS FLAT OUT EVIL. LIKE THE GOOD GUY MAIN CHARACTER SEEMS TO JUST BE SELLING OUT THE ACTUAL SCIENTIST OVER AND OVER AND DOING HORRIBLY ILLEGAL AND IMMORAL STUFF TO LIE ON DRUG TESTING STUFF. MAYBE I DIDN'T PAY CLOSE ENOUGH ATTENTION AND THE SIBLING TRIALS WAS THE ORIGINAL DIFFERENT DRUG BUT AS FAR AS I CAN TELL AFTER ALL HIS BULLYING HE LITERALLY ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING AND A DIFFEREHE SECRET IN THE DRUG TRIAL THE KID JUST PSYCHICALLY NEW BUT THEN THNT DRUG BY A DIFFERENT COMPANY MADE BY A DIFFERENT TEAM CURED THE KIDS. LIKE YOU SECRETLY KNEW THE REAL DRUG WAS MAGENTA BECAUSE I GUESS THE KID IS MAGIC OR WHATEVER BUT THEY PICKED GREEN, IT WAS THE GREEN DRUG THEY TOOK, RIGHT?   PS. THEM LAUGHING MINDLESSLY AT THE END MADE IT SEEMED LIKE THEY BOTH DIED AND EVERYTHING WENT WRONG AND BAD ACTING MADE THAT END SEEM WEIRD AND CONFUSING.

THIS REALLY IS THE BEDT BATMAN STORY AND THIS REALLY IS A GOOD ADAPTATION. ALTHOUGH THEY ADDED A REAL BAD SEX SCENE AND A REAL REAL BAD MUSIC NUMBER. IT WAS WACKY THAT THE FLASHBACKS WERE ALL IN THE 40S THEN MODERN DAY WAS MODERN DAY GUESS THE JOKER IS 70. I GUESS SHOWING MORE WOULD HAVE BEEN YUCKY BUT IF TGEY ARE GONNA ADD SEX SCENES IT FELT WEIRD THE PHOTOS IN THE FUN HOUSE WERE SO SO TAME. LIKE MAYBE DONT SHOW THE CAMERA WHAT HES SEEING BUT IMPLY MORE THAN HIM SEEING WHAT HE ALREADY SAW PLUS CLOSEUPS OF EYES. HAVE IT BE THE MARTHA PHOTOS FROM BVS.        PS. THE FAKE JOKER MUST THINK BATMAN IS SO GAY. HIS SPEECH WAS SO AWKWARD. 

THE WAY THEY DEFEATED THE 'BEES' IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER IN ANY STAR TREK MOVIE AND WAS THE BEST THING EVER. ALSO I KNOW THAT THE REASON THEY CAN'T HAVE IT IS BECAUSE THEY WILL JUST DEFEAT ANY INCARNATION WITH THAT EXACT TECHNOBABBLE BUT MAN THIS MOVIE MADE ME REALIZE THAT STAR TREK HAS NEVER HAD A VILLAIN WHO WAS "JUST A LOT OF LITTLE SHIPS" INSTEAD OF "BIG EVIL SHIPS" AND HOW BOTH GOOD AND ALSO TOPICAL THAT WOULD BE FOR A NEW SHOW.   PS. XINDI WAR MADE CANNON APPARENTLY.

THIS WAS REALLY GOOD. IT WAS NIGHTVALE PEOPLE'S ATTEMPT AT A MORE SERIOUS HORROR STORY AND IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING STEVEN KING WOULD WRITE. WELL, SPECIFICALLY IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING STEVEN KING DID WRITE AS IT FELT LIKE THE HUNGRY MAN/THISTLE MAN WERE 100% EXACTLY IDENTICAL TO THE LOW MEN TO THE POINT IT SEEMED WEIRD. ALTHOUGH I GUESS THAT CONCEPT IN ITSELF IS NOT SUPER ORIGINAL. ALSO NIGHTVALE IS REAL SLIPPERY WITH IT'S FORMAT AND SOMETIMES IT FORGETS IT'S A RADIO SHOW AS A PREMISE AND MAN WAS THIS SO BAD AT REMEMBERING IT'S A CB THING SHE'S DOING. IT WAS FINE AND DIDN'T RUIN THE SHOW BUT 90% OF THE TIME IT SEEMS LIKE IT MADE NO SENSE. WHY WOULD SHE SAY ANY OF THAT STUFF ON A CB RADIO?   PS. THIS WAS REALLY GOOD BUT I FEEL ANGRY AND BETRAYED IT'S GETTING A SECOND SEASON. LIKE 9000% OF THE APPEAL WAS THE IDEA OF A SELF CONTAINED 10 EPISODE STORY AND I AM SO MAD THAT IT ENDED WITH A "HEY, DONATE TO OUR KICKSTARTER TO MAKE MORE EPISODES!"

THIS SURE IS THE MOST 80S MOVIE POSSIBLE.  PS. OH HEY, I REMEMBER THE RACOONS.

WELL THIS IS VERY EASILY THE SECOND BEST GHOSTBUSTERS MOVIE. THE PACING OF THE MOVIE SEEMED AWFUL AND LOTS OF STUFF EITHER DRAGGED OUT TOO LONG OR HAD PLOTS THAT APPEARED AND RESOLVED WITHIN SECONDS BUT THE JOKES AND CHARACTERS WERE GENERALLY GREAT AND I LIKED A LOT OF THE DUMB STUFF THEY DID. I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE HOLTZ THOUGH, I FEEL LIKE THE SCRIPT WAS WRITTEN AS HER BEING ABBY FROM NCIS BUT HIGH THEN THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY PLAY HER AS OVERTLY HIGH SO SHE JUST SEEMED WEIRD. PS. MICHAEL HAT.

THIS MOVIE SEEMED WEIRDLY OVERLY DEVOTED TO WEIRD RAPE AND MURDER JOKES AND DETAILS OF RECREATION OF GAME MECHANICS AND HAVING A LOT OF LITERALISM ABOUT THE BIRDS BEING SPECIFICALLY THE ANGRY BIRDS.       PS. I WATCHED A CHINESE RIP OF THIS INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PAYING TO SEE IT, DONT WORRY. 

IT WAS INTERESTING, THE OTHER TWO MOVIES HAVE BEEN ABOUT RICH WHITE PEOPLE AND THIS ONE WAS LARGELY ABOUT WHAT THE PURGE WOULD BE LIKE FOR POOR MINORITIES AND THEY MOSTLY DID A GOOD JOB ABOUT THAT? SURPRISINGLY? ALTHOUGH I GUESS IN THE END THEY MOSTLY SAVED THE RICH WHITE LADY. PS. I LOVE THE PENDULUM TRAP PEOPLE. LIKE THAT WAS THEIR ONE THING, EVERYONE ELSE WAS CRAZY MONSTERS WEARING (REALLY WELL DESIGNED) CRAZY MURDER COSTUMES THEN PENDULUM TRAP WAS ALL "OKAY, GOOD JOB, HAVE FUN" AND DIDN'T BOTHER ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

FRIG. I GUESS AFTER THE MONKEES SHOW ENDED THEY HAD JACK NICKLSON TAKE A BUNCH OF ACID (NO, FOR REAL) THEN WRITE THEM A MOVIE WHERE THEY KILL THEMSELVES THEN HAVE A BUNCH OF WEIRD TRIP DREAMS ABOUT HOW BAD AND FAKE THE BAND IS WITH A NAME THAT IS A PARODY OF THE ANDY WARHOL MOVIE "BLOWJOB" AND THE WHOLE THING IS JUST INCOMPREHENSIBLE NIGHTMARE.       PS. THE THEME SONG OF THE MOVIE ENDS WITH THAT FILM OF A VIETNAM TRAITOR BEING SHOT POINT BLANK AND HOLY FUCK. 

WHEN THIS WAS ANNOUNCED IT PRETTY RIGHTFULLY GOT DENOUNCED AS GARBAGE THAT SHOULD NEVER EXIST. BUT WHEN 2K DID RIGHT WITH THE XCOM LICENCE THE TONE CHANGED AND THERE WAS A SNAPBACK THAT THIS GAME WAS ACTUALLY GOOD. IT REALLY ISN'T, BUT IT'S AN OKAY GAME. IT'S SUPER ODVIOUS THAT IT WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO BE A WAY MORE IN DEPTH GAME AND THEY PUT IN A BUNCH OF SYSTEMS THAT CLEARLY WERE GOING TO BE WHOLE XCOM STYLE TECH TREES AND STUFF BUT THEY JUST NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT AND THE WHOLE GAME IS LIKE 5 MISSIONS LONG. WHICH IS FINE.     PS. OKAY, BUT THE TWIST WITH THE CAMERA IS REALLY FUCKING GREAT, THE WHOLE GAME IS LIKE 10,000X BETTER BECAUSE OF IT. HOLY CRAP IT'S DUMB AS FRIG BUT I LOVE IT. 

THESE MOVIES ARE SO INTERCHANGEABLE. ALSO IT FEELS WEIRD THAT THE FIRST 10 MINUTES WERE CLEARLY A MOVIE THEY WROTE THEN CONDENSED INTO 10 MINUTES SO THEY COULD INSTEAD HAVE SOME WEIRD HOUR LONG COMMERCIAL FOR UNIVERSAL STUDIOS AND NASCAR. ALSO SO THEY COULD HAVE A SHARK EAT SUBWAY JARAD'S PANTS.   PS. THE ONLY ACTUALLY GOOD PART OF THIS WAS THE SPACE SHARK BIRTH THING. THEY HAVE WRUNG THE MONKEY CHEESE HUMOR CONCEPT OUT OF THIS SERIES ALREADY BUT THAT ONE PART WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE IT GOOD AGAIN FOR A SECOND.

THIS IS SO GOD DAMN. BORING BUT ANIMATED SO WELL. I CLICKED A RANDOM THING TO HAVE BACKGROUND NOISE AND THIS RUINED THAT BECAUSE I KEPT LOOKING AT IT. THE OPENING ESPECIALLY WAS PERFECT SIXTYS ANIMATION. THE ANIMATION WAS SO GOOD AT TIMES IT MAD ME MAD.    PS. THIS SEEMS LIKE A MOVIE SOME KID WILL SEE AT 8 THEN TWENTY YEARS LATER NOT BE SURE IF IT WAS A REAL MOVIE OR A DREAM.

THIS GAME IS SUPER GOOD. THIS IS THE BEST METROID GAME OF THE YEAR. I LOVE THAT THE SECRET TRICK THAT THIS DID THAT REAL METROID GAMES NEVER HAVE IS JUST HAVING A TON OF STUPID WEAPONS THAT AREN'T FOR ANYTHING SO IF YOU MANAGE TO JUMP UP ON SOME WALL YOU ARE BARELY SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO YOU GET SOMETHING ACTUALLY SUBSTANTIAL INSTEAD OF JUST ANOTHER MISSILE TANK OR WHATEVER. PS. I LOVE THE FACT THE WHOLE GAME SETS UP THIS SUPER OBVIOUS TWIST THAT JUST NEVER HAPPENS. ALTHOUGH I COULDN'T REALLY TELL YOU WHAT ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN.

I FEEL LIKE THE BEST THING ABOUT THE GOOD ALIEN WAS: 1) IT HAD A SPACESHIP SHAPED LIKE IT'S OWN HEAD. 2) IT TALKED ABOUT HOW IT WAS THE SUPERIOR RACE AND THE KEY TO DEFEATING THE BAD ALIENS BUT THEN ADMITTED THAT LITERALLY NO ONE HAD EVER DEFEATED EVEN ONE OF THE ALIENS WHICH WE DID IN LIKE 10 MINUTES BY JUST SHOOTING IT A LOT.   PS. EVERY SINGLE THING IN THIS MOVIE GOT SMALLER EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED IT.

OH MY, I DID NOT LIKE THIS BOOK AT ALL. I THINK IT MAY HAVE BEEN THE POINT BUT EVERY STORY WAS JUST 'BEING OLD IS BAD AND SAD' AND 'BEING AN OLD BELOVED AUTHOR SUCKS BECAUSE NERDS ARE WEIRD AND ALIENATING'. PS. THE BEST PART WAS CALLING A PENIS A DORKDINKDONG

BECAUSE MIGHTY NUMBER 9 SEEMS NOT WORTH RUSHING TO PLAY I WANTED TO PLAY A MEGAMAN GAME I NEVER HAD. BUT ACTUALLY PLAYING THIS I TOTALLY DID RENT IT ONCE BECAUSE I REMEMBER ME AND MY BROTHER BEING SORT OF DISTRESSED AT CLOWN MAN THAT IF YOU USE THE WEAPON HE IS WEAK AGAINST AGAINST HIM HE WILL BEG TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO HIM THEN BEG FOR HIS MOTHER.    PS. THIS WHOLE GAME IS ABOUT 5-6 HOURS LONG AND I SERIOUSLY NO JOKE THINK TWO OF THOSE HOURS WERE ME TRYING AND FAILING THE SNOWBOARDING SECTIONS OVER AND OVER AND OVER. 

THIS GAME IS SUPER CUTE AND CHARMING. IT'S ONLY TWO HOURS LONG AND IS BASICALLY JUST A TECH DEMO FOR A SUPER GOOD CONTROL SCHEME THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT INTO ASSASSIN'S CREED. BUT IT'S REALLY GOOD AND FUN AND CUTE AND I LIKED PLAYING IT. (BUT WILL NOT PLAY ALL THE OPTIONAL CHALLENGES OR EXTRA POST CREDITS STUFF BECAUSE I LIKE THE IDEA OF THIS BEING A TWO HOUR GAME)   PS. IT'S A SMALL THING BUT FOR SOME REASON I REALLY LIKE THAT THE PREMISE IS NOT YOU BEING STRANDED ON THE PLANET. ANY OTHER GAME AND YOU'D BE STRANDED AND BE FORCED TO GROW THE PLANT TO RETURN, THIS GAME THE MISSION IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN AND YOUR MOM COMPUTER LOVES AND SUPPORTS YOU AND IT'S JUST WAY MORE POSITIVE AND CONFLICT FREE THAN GAMES USUALLY ARE.

I DONT KNOW THIS MOVIE WILL EVER BE A TRUE CULT CLASSIC BUT HOLY MOLY IT HAS SOME AMAZING TERRIBLE PARTS AND IF MST3K OR RIFFTRACKS DID THIS I CAN IMAGINE IT BEING ONE OF THE BEST EVER. AT THE VERY LEAST TGE WAY THE BUILDER SAYS WHAT IS AN AMAZINGLY BAD LINE DELIVERY THAT NEEDS TO BE RECOGNIZED.    PS. I LOVE THE BAD GODS PLAN INCLUDES CHARGING MONEY TO GET TO THE AFTERLIFE. I LOVE THE IDEA OF AN EVIL DEITY PULLING A MONEY MAKING SCHEME AS PART OF HIS EVIL PLAN.