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Showing posts from January, 2014

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs [movie]

I LIKE THAT LARGE SECTIONS OF THIS MOVIE ARE JUST REMAKES OF JURASSIC PARK. PS. I LIJE THAT THE THREAT STEVE JOBS POSED WAS THAT YOU SHOULDNT MAKE LIVING THINGS INTO FOOD I GUESS?

DMC Devil May Cry [game]

THIS GAME IS AWFUL FLAWED AND THE JUMPING PUZZLES ARE A PAIN BUT GOD THIS GAME IS JUST THE RIGHT SORT OF DUMB. IT HAS A SUPER SELF SERIOUS STORY BUT ALSO HAS STUFF LIKE KNOCKING A BOSS INTO A CHEMICAL MIXING VAT AND THEM BEING ALL RIPPED APART AND THE PROTAGANIST SAYING 'LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A LITTLE *MIXED UP*". ALSO YOU GO INSIDE THE FOX NEWS LOGO AND FIGHT NOT QUITE O'REILY AND IT'S THE BEST. IN GENERAL I LIKE THEY DIDN'T GO THE SILENT HILL THING OF MAKING THE HELL VERSIONS OF EVERYTHING JUST A MORE RUN DOWN VERSION OF THE REAL THING AND INSTEAD MADE THE HELL VERSION OF A NIGHT CLUB A WINAMP VISUALIZATION AND SO ON. PS. YES I TYPED THE NAME RIGHT, IT'S THE WORST NAME.

Tiny Furniture [movie]

I FEEL WEIRD BECAUSE I AM EXACTLY OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE GRADUATED COLLEGE PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY BEFORE THE WORLD ENDED FOR COLLEGE GRADUATE AND NOW ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED THAT ANXIETY IS GETTING MADE INTO MOVIES. PS. I AM AN AIMLESS LIFE HIPSTER, I DIDN'T FAIL TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS IN THE NEW TRENDY WAY, JUST IN THE COOL RETRO WAY.

Bioshock Infinite [game]

BIOSHOCK REALLY IS AMAZING AT VIDEOGAME STORYTELLING, THE SECOND ONE WAS A CASH GRAB BY ANOTHER STUDIO BUT THE FIRST AND LAST ONES ARE REALLY SOMETHING UNIQUE. NOT EVEN IN CHARACTER BUILDING OR EVEN PLOT, BUT JUST IN WORLD BUILDING, HOLY CRAP BOTH COLUMBIA AND RAPTURE ARE REALLY REALLY WELL DEVELOPED WORLDS FOR HOW GENERIC SCIFI CONCEPTS THEY ARE.THERE IS A REASON THEY ARE GAMES THAT POPULARIZED THE TERM 'LUDONARRATIVE DISSONANCE' THOUGH! KILLING LIKE 8 BAJILLION PEOPLE DIDN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE IN A BUNCH OF PLACES AND WAS ONLY SOMETIMES JUSTIFIED. PS.I LOVE TO HAVE PLAYED BIOSHOCK GAMES BUT HATE PLAYING BIOSHOCK GAMES SO I PLAYED THIS WHOLE GAME IN LIKE A DAY AND A HALF SO I COULD BE DONE WITH IT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

Persona 4 Arena [game]

I LOVE THAT THIS GAME EXISTS. IT'S SO TRANSPARENT THAT SOMEONE HAD A MEETING WITH THE CREATOR OF PERSONA AND EXPLAINED THE ONLY WAY HE COULD SELL HIS VISUAL NOVEL WAS TO GLUE IT TO A FIGHTING GAME SO THEY MADE THIS THING WHERE YOU'D GET FOR 20-40 MINUTES BETWEEN BATTLES THEN THE BATTLES IN STORY MODE WOULD BE THESE LITTLE SHORT <10 2="" all.="" all="" and="" animation="" are="" arena="" at="" basically="" but="" div="" doesn="" down="" elisabeth="" even="" everyone="" except="" fight="" fights.="" fights="" for="" get="" getting="" give="" goofing="" having="" heart="" hearts="" her="" hours="" into="" is="" just="" kingdom="" knocked="

Toad Road [movie]

THIS MOVIE FEELS LIKE SOMEONE JUST MADE A CRAPPY 15 MINUTE LONG HORROR MOVIE THEN JUST PADDED IT OUT BY FILMING A BUNCH OF PARTIES THEY WENT TO WITH THEIR STUPID FRIENDS. PS. WIKIPEDIA SEEMS TO INDICATE THE GIRL THAT DIED IN THE MOVIE DIED IN REAL LIFE AND I CAN'T TELL IF THAT REALLY HAPPENED OR IF THIS MOVIE JUST GETS SO LITTLE NOTICE THEY CAN JUST EDIT MADE UP CRAP INTO THEIR OWN WIKIPEDIA PAGE AND HAVE IT STICK.

Jedi Junkies [movie, nonfiction]

I LIKE THAT THE STAR WAR FANS ARE SO MUCH MORE SELF AWARE THAN ANY OF THE BRONIES. THE GUY THAT WAS LIKE "DON'T START COLLECTING UNLESS YOU DON'T WANT TO OWN A BED" AND "WHY DO I HAVE CHIPS? I DON'T EVEN EAT CHIPS" WAS THE BEST. PS. I ACTUALLY WATCHED THIS BACK TO BACK WITH BRONIES BUT WANTED TO SPACE OUT MY CAPITAL REVIEWS BECAUSE IT FELT WEIRD TO WATCH TWO OF THESE IN ONE NIGHT.

Zelda: Link Between Worlds [game]

THIS IS THE BEST ZELDA GAME IN LIKE A DECADE. IT WAS SO GOOD. IT BROKE SO MANY ZELDA DESIGN RULES AND WAS WONDERFUL. ON THE OTHER HAND THE WORM BOSS LOOKED LIKE A HAMBURGER AND THAT WAS A REAL DOWNER. ALSO THIS GAME WAS A WEIRD LESSON IN POVERTY ECONOMICS WHERE I FEEL LIKE I BROKE THE GAME BY INITIALLY NOT DYING MUCH AND THUS HAVING MORE ACCESS TO TOOLS TO ALLOW ME TO CONTINUE TO NOT DIE WHICH RESULTED IN ME HAVING FAR TOO MUCH MONEY. WHILE IF I HAD EVER DIED MORE I WOULD HAVE SUFFERED FROM LACK OF ACCESS TO THE RENTED TOOLS AND LIKELY DIED EVEN MORE. PS. SERIOUSLY, HILDA? SERIOUSLY? I THOUGHT THAT MUST BE SOME LEGEND THING BUT AS FAR AS THE INTERNET CAN TELL ME THEY REALLY WERE JUST MAKING AN IDIOTIC SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH REFERENCE, THAT IS THE WORST!

Bronies [movie, nonfiction]

I PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS LIKE THINGS NERDS LIKE BUT THEN HATE NERDS, IT'S WEIRD TOO, I BET I'D BE HAPPIER IF I ACTUALLY COULD GO ALL OUT AND LIKE THINGS I LIKED BUT PEOPLE THAT LIKE THINGS ALWAYS SEEM SO DISGUSTING. ON THE UPSIDE JOHN DELANCE SANG A WHOLE SONG FOR THIS THING AND THAT WAS P. COOL. PS. THE GUY WITH ASPBERGERS (SPECIFICALLY, THEY ALL HAD ASPBERGERS) SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE DAVID FIRTH THAT I AM NOT 100% SURE IT'S NOT DAVID FIRTH.

Gamera [movie]

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM A PERSON THAT WOULD LOVE GODZILLA MOVIES BUT NOPE, THEY ARE ALWAYS BORING. PS. I WATCHED THE MST3K VERSION, EVEN FOR A MST3K EPISODE THIS WAS PRETTY BORING.

her [movie]

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ENOUGH INTERNETY AUTISM TO RELATE STRONGLY TO THE CHARACTERS AND SITUATIONS IN THIS MOVIE BUT TOO MUCH TO ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MOVIE WAS TRYING TO SAY. THIS WAS A GOOD MOVIE AND CLEARLY HAD DEPTH AND MEANING BUT I REALLY LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I'M NOT EMOTIONALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO FULLY APPRECIATE WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE AWAY FROM IT. ALSO I LIKE THAT THE MOVIE HAD A HARD SCIFI THREAD THROUGH IT BUT THE NATURE OF THE MOVIE MADE IT EASY TO BRUSH THAT OFF AND JUST TO IGNORE THAT STUFF, BUT IN THE END IT MATTERED IN A WAY THEY TOTALLY BUILT UP THE WHOLE MOVIE. ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE IF THAT MADE A COP OUT ENDING OR NOT. PS. I ALSO LOVE HOW CONSISTENTLY THE STYLE OF THIS MOVIE WAS FUTURE 1988. HIGH PANTS AND WOOD PANEL ELECTRONICS.

Sucker Punch [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE HAD ALL THE ELEMENTS TO BE A LEGENDARY CULT MOVIE BUT JUST SOMEHOW NEVER CAME TOGETHER AND NEVER GOT PAST BEING 'OKAY'. IT'S LIKE THEY HAVE THIS WHOLE NESTED FANTASY STRUCTURE SET UP BUT DIDN'T BOTHER TO CONNECT IT OR MAKE ANYTHING REPRESENT ANYTHING SO A GIRL IS IN AN INSANE ASYLUM COPYING A MAP, BUT SHE IS FANTASIZING SHE IS IN A BROTHEL DANCING FOR THE BOSS TO STEAL A MAP, BUT SHE IS FANTASIZING THE DANCE AS HER FIGHTING CLOCKWORK STEAM POWERED GERMANS IN WORLD WAR I? COOL I GUESS, BUT WHY? THE GIRL PILOTING THE MECH, WHAT IS SHE DOING IN THE BROTHEL? WHAT DOES WHAT SHE IS DOING IN THE BROTHEL TRANSLATE TO WHAT SHE IS DOING IN REAL LIFE? IT ALL FELT HALF ASSED. PS. IT'S LIKE SOMEONE TOLD SNYDER TO MAKE A MOVIE BUT HE STOLE ALL THE MONEY AND MADE A BUNCH OF HONESTLY PRETTY COOL MUSIC VIDEOS AND THEY HAD TO TAKE MOST OF THE MUSIC OUT AND TRY TO SAVE THINGS BY CUTTING THEM BACK INTO A MOVIE.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WAY MORE JOKEY BUT THAT SOMEONE IN PRODUCTION DECIDED THEY WERE MAKING SOMETHING BADASS INSTEAD AND TRIED TO MAKE IT A REAL MOVIE INSTEAD OF A PARODY. STEAMPUNK INSULIN. PS. ALSO THIS FELT LIKE IT WAS A PILOT EPISODE OF A SHOW THAT WOULD BE ON SUNDAY AFTERNOONS IN THE 90S.

World War Z [movie]

THE TIME LINE OF THIS MOVIE SEEMED SO COMPRESSED, DID EVERYTHING HAPPEN IN LIKE 4 OR 5 DAYS? WERE THEY TRYING TO RAPE THE WIFE IN THE SUPERMARKET? WASN'T THAT LIKE 10 MINUTES AFTER IT STARTED? PS. I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO HAVE THE FALLOUT 1 ENDING OF HIM GETTING BACK AND THEM BEING ALL 'THANKS FOR THE HELP!" AND THEN LOCKING THE DOOR. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER ENDING.

Doom [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS PRETTY TERRIBLE BUT THE FPS SCENE WAS SO ABSURDLY BAD IT WAS AMAZING AND I AM GOING TO WATCH THAT PART AGAIN ON YOUTUBE A BUNCH OF TIMES. PS. DOCTOR CARMACK.

R.I.P.D [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS A MESS, IT WAS EVERYWHERE. WHY DID SOME RANDOM BAD COP SUDDENLY BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL DEADO EVER? WHY ARE DEADOS EVEN BAD IF THE MEDALS ACTUALLY DO BLICK THEIR ONE BAD EFFECT? HOW DOES BRINGING THE DEAD BACK EVEN HELP THAT GUY? HIS THREAT WAS GETTING SHOT WITH GLOW BULLETS, NOT GOING TO HEAVEN. PS. RETURN OF "WATCH BAD MOVIES AS BACKGROUND NOISE" ZELDA EDITION.

Papers, Please [game]

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS GAME IS SO FRUSTRATING AND STRESSFUL BUT THAT IS TOTALLY THE POINT. I BET SOMEONE SOMEWHERE WROTE A REALLY ANGRY BLOG POST ABOUT HOW THE DESK IS TOO SMALL AND HOW BAD GAME DESIGN THAT IS, BUT THE DESK BEING TOO SMALL IS THE DESIGN THIS GAME NEEDED, IT'S WONDERFUL. PS. I GOT THE ESCAPE ENDING, TO ME THAT IS THE BEST ENDING.

Blacula [movie]

DESPITE THE WORD "BLACULA" BEING A PUMCHLINE TO THINGS THAT IVE HEARD A BILLION TIMES I ACTUALLY HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS A RWAL MOVIE. PS. A REAL DULL MOVIE THAT IS.