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Showing posts from December, 2016

Mass Effect [game]

THIS IS FRIGGIN BLOWING MY MIND. I DIDN'T SPEED RUN. I PLAYED SIDEQUEST STUFF, I DIDN'T EVEN USE A WALKTHROUGH AND I BEAT THIS GAME IN 13 HOURS. I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SERIES BY OSMOSIS, AND A THING I THOUGHT I KNEW WAS THAT THIS WAS A HUGE EPIC GAME. NOT A GAME YOU PLAY IN TWO AFTERNOONS. ACTUALLY HEARING SOMEONE SAY THAT IS 50% OF THE REASON I PLAYED THIS. THE OTHER 50% WAS THAT I NEED TO PLAY SOME GAMES I BUY ON STEAM BEFORE BUYING MORE GAMES.  I FELT ACTUALLY SHAKEN WHEN I FOUND THIS OUT SOMEHOW. A FRIGGIN COLLEGE PROFESSOR ONCE ASKED ME TO EXPLAIN MASS EFFECT. PS. THE MAKO IS THE WORST THING EVER IN ANY GAME AND ALSO MY GAME HAD A BUG WHERE TALI WAS POISONED AT ALL TIMES AND I NEVER EVEN QUESTIONED THAT IT MIGHT BE A BUG, IT MADE SO MUCH SENSE.

Rudolph's Shiny New Year [movie]

I HAD NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS, YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD HAVE HEARD OF THIS! OH GOD, I REALLY THINK THIS WAS MADE BY RANKIN BASS DIGGING THROUGH ALL THE MODELS THEY HAD MADE FOR OTHER UNFINISHED PROJECTS AND TRYING TO CREATE A SINGLE STORY OUT OF THEM.  ALSO HONESTLY EON JUST WAS KIDNAPPING THE KID TO PREVENT HIS OWN DEATH WHICH FEELS REALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. IT DID NOT FEEL ENTIRELY CLEAR WHY ALWAYS BEING THE SAME YEAR WOULD BE A BAD THING SINCE THE ISLANDS ALL SEEMED PRETTY OKAY, ALTHOUGH MAYBE THAT IS JUST ME WANTING TO LIVE IN LIGHTNING'S REVENGE.   PS. ALSO THE MORAL OF THIS IS THAT IF YOU LOOK DIFFERENT IT'S GOOD THAT PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE THAT BRINGS THEM JOY.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THE TWO WORST THING STAR WARS DOES IS MAKING PREQUELS AND DOING EXTENDED UNIVERSE BACKSTORY TO MINOR THINGS FROM THE ORIGINAL MOVIES THAT DIDN'T NEED BACKSTORY AND THIS THIS A PREQUEL GIVING BACKSTORY TO A THING FROM ORIGINAL MOVIE THAT DIDN'T NEED A BACK STORY. IT ALSO FELT WEIRDLY MMO-ISH WHERE EVERYONE FELT LIKE THEY HAD A CHARACTER CLASS INSTEAD OF BEING A CHARACTER AND I BARELY LEARNED ANYONE'S NAME. IT FELT LIKE THEY WERE CALLING THE ROBOT KATE. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, WOAH BUDDY THIS MOVIE GOES SOME PLACES. I HAVE SOME MIXED FEELINGS ON THIS MOVIE BUT THERE IS FUNDAMENTAL ELEMENTS OF HOW THEY DECIDED THIS STORY WOULD GO THAT HELLA WIN ME OVER. GEEZ,   PS. AT SOME POINT SOMEONE IS GOING TO MAKE A GOOD INTERNET VIDEO EXPLORING THE POLITICS OF THIS MOVIE. SPACE BRITISH REBELS AND SPACE MIDDLE EAST REBELS.

Noddy Saves Christmas [television]

I LIKE THAT THE 3 TENETS OF QUESTIONING SANTA ARE JUST THINGS EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS, IT FEELS VERY BRITISH TO HAVE PEOPLE GATHER UP AND HAVE "AS WE KNOW THE THREE QUESTIONS OF THE NATURE OF SANTA ARE" AND HAVE EVERYONE RECITE ONE.   PS. THE SONGS BEING TOTALLY NON RHYMING AND NEARLY ATONAL ALSO FEELS VERY BRITISH.

Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas [television]

OH MAN, I TOTALLY WATCHED THIS WHEN IT ORIGINALLY AIRED. I REMEMBER BEING LIKE 8 AND THINKING THE PHRASE "DOLLS WITH EXTRA ARMS" WAS HILARIOUS. BUT ACTUALLY IT WAS NOT HILARIOUS, NOR WAS ANY PART OF THIS. ALSO IT HAD A DIFFERENT THEME SONG AND PENNY HAD A DIFFERENT VOICE AND WHAT GOOD IS THAT?   PS. WHY DID SANTA EVEN OWN A DUNGEON?

Xeelee: Endurance [book]

I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE: STEVEN BAXTER PROBABLY HAS AUTISM OR SOMETHING. HE HATES WRITING CHARACTERS AND JUST REUSES THE SAME CHARACTERS OVER AND OVER. SOMETIMES HE GIVES A PREMISE FOR WHY (COMPUTER SIMULATIONS/ALTERNATE REALITIES) AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST ARE SUPPOSED TO IGNORE IT, OR TWO PEOPLE HAVE THE EXACT SAME STORY BUT ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. USUALLY I DON'T MIND THAT BUT THIS WAS A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES SET IN HIS MOST ESTABLISHED UNIVERSE AND ALTHOUGH SOME OF THE STORIES WERE GOOD IT JUST FELT LIKE A NIGHTMARE OF "DID I READ THIS BEFORE?" LIKE HAVE I READ THE STORY ABOUT THEM RIDING SPIDERS INTO THE HEART OF EUROPA TO BLOW UP A WORMHOLE TO ANOTHER UNIVERSE? YES. HAVE I READ THE STORY ABOUT TINY PRIMITIVE PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN TREES IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE ON A NEUTRON STAR? NO, THAT WAS A STORY ABOUT TINY PRIMITIVE PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN TREES ON A REGULAR STAR. ALSO I GET IT'S PARTLY SUPPOSED TO BE "THE SAME SITUATIONS ARISE OVER AND OVER AT DIFFERENT SCALES ACR

Ernest Saves Christmas [movie]

I LIKE ERNEST BECAUSE I LIKED ERNEST. BUT I BET IF YOU TOOK AWAY NOSTALGIA HE'D BE JUST EXTREMELY ANNOYING. HE WAS A WEIRD CONCEPT THOUGH, NOTHING LIKE THIS WOULD EXIST NOW. HE WAS A MARKETING CHARACTER THAT EXISTED INDEPENDENT OF ANY SPECIFIC COMPANY. LIKE MOVIES LIKE THIS EXISTED AFTER HE ALREADY WAS A THING ON NUMEROUS COMMERCIALS. THAT IS SUCH A WEIRD CONCEPT.   PS. IT WAS REALLY WEIRD ERNEST HAD A "KEEP CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS' STICKER AND THE WAY THE CAMERA HOVERED ON IT THEN THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS JUST ABOUT SANTA.

Hercules Saves Christmas [movie]

WHAT THE HELL IS THE ORIGIN OF A 'HALF DOG, HALF ELF'. LIKE 90% OF THE TIME IT JUST SEEMS LIKE A REGULAR DOG WITH A MAGIC COLLAR BUT THE BAD GUY IS REALLY STRICT IN CALLING IT A HALF DOG, HALF ELF AND EVEN HAS A SONG ABOUT IT. SPEAKING OF THE BAD GUY: HE IS CLEARLY SATAN AND HIS EVIL PLAN IS TO BRING GIFTS TO ALL THE NAUGHTY KIDS AND IT NEVER EVEN FELT CLEAR THAT HE MEANT "INSTEAD OF TO THE NICE KIDS" AND NOT "IN ADDITION TO THE NICE KIDS" AND I'M NOT SURE I'M EVEN OPPOSED TO THAT?      PS. MAX MOOGLE. 

The Baby Bratz Save Christmas [movie]

I DON'T KNOW, THIS WAS JUST BORING AND NOT FUNNY BAD. THE ONLY FUNNY PART WAS THE WEIRD SOUND THE OLD MAN IN TRAFFIC MADE.   PS. THIS GIMMICK IS TURNING OUT TO BE WAY LESS FUN THAN I HOPED. I THINK LOTS OF SHOWS DID THE 'SAVES CHRISTMAS' PLOT BUT ONLY SHOWS FOR TODDLERS ACTUALLY CALLED THE SHOW "SO AND SO SAVES CHRISTMAS". LIKE THERE IS A FEW GOOD OR NOSTALGIC ONES IF I KEEP GOING BUT MOSTLY THIS SUCKS.

Decay: The Mare [game]

THE THING I LIKE ABOUT THIS GAME IS THAT IT DID A GOOD JOB OF MAKING ME FEEL SMART BY HAVING PUZZLES THAT SEEMED HARD BUT LIMITED MY OPTIONS ENOUGH I COULD FIGURE THEM OUT WITHOUT CHEATING. LIKE THERE IS NO UNIVERSE IN THE WORLD THAT I'D FIGURE OUT THE FAN CONTROL SETTINGS WERE BASED ON HOW MANY METERS FROM JENNY THE SCARY MAN IS EXCEPT ONE WHERE THE JENNY STORY IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE IN MY INVENTORY WITH ANY NUMBERS. THE THING I DID NOT LIKE ABOUT THIS GAME IS THAT MY BRAIN IS JUST NOT BUILT TO UNDERSTAND THE NAVIGATION SYSTEM THIS THING USED AND I NEVER REALLY COULD WALK ANYWHERE CORRECTLY WITHOUT USING THE HINT SYSTEM EVEN IF I KNEW EXACTLY WHERE I WAS GOING. IT'S LIKE THE FACT THE DOWN BUTTON SWITCHED BETWEEN "PHYSICALLY TURN AROUND" AND "GO BACK" WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME OR SOMETHING.   PS. I PLAYED THIS ENTIRE GAME IN ONE SITTING LAYING ON THE FLOOR USING A WIRELESS MOUSE ON MY HIP TO CONTROL IT. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT BUT I FEEL IT WAS THE CO

Felix the cat saves Christmas [movie, garbage]

THIS IS SO BAD. ITS BASICALLY UNWATCHABLE. EVERYONE SPEAKS AT A TIMING AND CADANCE THAT SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A HUMAN MADE THIS. I HAD TO KEEP CHECKING TO MAKE SURE THE VIDEO WASNT RUNNING AT HALF SPEED OR SOMETHING.    PS. FELIX WAS DAVE COULIE AS WAS LIKE EVERY OTHER VOICE.

Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas [movie, amazing, garbage]

OH GOD, IS THIS A THING? THIS IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF THE CHARLIE BROWN SPECIAL. THAT WAS A SECULAR TV SPECIAL ABOUT GETTING BEYOND THE TRAPPINGS OF THE HOLIDAY TO EMBRACE THE RELIGIOUS CORE. THIS IS A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN MOVIE THAT IS ABOUT ATTACKING OTHER CHRISTIANS FOR NOT EMBRACING MATERIALISM ENOUGH? LIKE THAT IS NOT ME BEING WACKY AND MISINTERPRETING, HE ACTUALLY GAVE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW MATERIALISM IS GOOD FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE IT WAS THE HOLIDAY GOD GOT A MATERIAL BODY. ALSO CELEBRATE SANTA SAVED CHRISTIANITY BY BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF ARIAN AND ALSO GET A TREE BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A CITY AND ADAM ATE THE FRUIT OF KNOWLEDGE AND COULD NOT PUT BACK THE THING HE STOLE BECAUSE IT WAS PART OF HIM AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT WAS TO HANG HIMSELF ON A TREE THEREFORE JESUS. ALSO NUTCRACKERS.   PS. THEY PUT FLUORIDE IN YOUR WATER TO GIVE YOU ASPERGERS BUT YOU HAVEN'T HAD A BURGER IN YEARS, JUST PINK SLIME. STRAIGHT PRIDE.

Elmo Saves Christmas [television]

ELMO DIDNT REALLY SAVE CHRISTMAS AS MUCH AS HE CAST THE WORLD INTO A ENDLESS HELL. ITS WEIRD THAT THIS CONTAINS EXTENSIVE FORWARD AND BACKWARDS TIME TRAVEL AND ALSO A FRAMING STORY THAT IMPLIES THIS HAPPENED IN THE DISTANT PAST TO THE CURENT MUPPETS. I ALSO LIKE BERT AND ERNIE REACTING TO BERT AND ERNIE ON ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE.       PS. THIS IS THE MOVIE THAT RUINED SESAME STREET. WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE IT RUINED IT BY BEING REALLY GOOD INSTEAD OF EXTREMELY BAD. LIKE THIS IS THE THING THAT MADE ELMO THE STAR OF THE SHOW AND MADE IT UNWATCHABLE INSTEAD OF BEING MUPPET SHOW JR. 

Robocop saves Christmas [television]

THIS WAS TGE RIGHT AMOUNT OF STUPID TO BE PRETTY GREAT. ON THE OTHER HAND I HAVE SOME FEELING LIKE THEY DECIDED TO TONE DOWN VIOLENCE BECAUSE IT WAS A CARTOON SO THEY MADE IT ALL WEIRD AND SEXUAL INSTEAD? I DONT KNOW, THIS WAS WEIRD AS HECK.    PS. WAS THIS EVEN WHAT THIS WAS CALLED? MAYBE THIS CAN BE MY NEW THING THIS YEAR. WATCHING PEOPLE SAVE CHRISTMAS. 

Shin Godzilla [amazing, movie]

ANNO MADE A GODZILLA MOVIE AND THE DRUMS WENT 'DUN DUN DUN" THEN A LINE OF TANKS SHOT GODZILLA THEN OPERA MUSIC PLAYED THEN GODZILLA SHOT A PURPLE BEAM STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR. IT IS PERFECT. EVEN THE AWFUL HUMPING SEA SLUG IDIOT PENIS MONSTER GODZILLA AT THE START WAS PERFECT. EVEN THE TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE STINGER AT THE END WAS PERFECT.     PS. I WATCHED THE LEAKED FUNIMATION DVD AND THEY CUT 20 MINUTES AND THAT REALLY SUCKS, THIS WAS PRETTY CLEARLY A MOVIE ABOUT THE JAPANESE GOVERNMENT THAT JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE EVANGELION GODZILLA IN IT SOMETIMES AND THE INTERNATIONAL RELEASE CUTS DOWN A LOT OF THAT AND NOW I NEED TO FIND THE REAL THEATRICAL VERSION ONCE THAT LEAKS TOO.

Dishonored [game]

THIS GAME IS WEIRD. LIKE WHEN IT'S GOOD IT'S REALLY REALLY GOOD. THE POWERS ARE GOOD AND THE SETTING IS GOOD AND YOU CAN DO SOME REALLY FUN AND COMPLICATED STUFF TO GET TO THAT GOAL. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT FOR EVERY TIME YOU SET UP SOME CHESSMASTER GENIUS PLAN THERE IS TWO TIMES THE TELEPORT HITS WRONG OR THE KNOCKOUT PROMPT DOESN'T COME UP AFTER A POSSESSION FAST ENOUGH OR SOMETHING AND EVERYTHING GETS RUINED. THEN MAYBE 'NORMAL' ISN'T A HARD ENOUGH DIFFICULTY BECAUSE THE SECRET IS THAT EVEN IF YOU MESS UP RECOVERY IS WAY EASY, TO THE POINT YOU KINDA HAVE TO IGNORE HOW EASY IT IS SINCE YOU CAN BREAK THE GAME BY NEVER EVEN TRYING TO DO IT RIGHT AND JUST DEALING WITH GETTING CAUGHT. BUT MAN, THE ACTUAL GOOD PARTS ARE *SO* GOOD. I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WERE SO EXCITED FOR A SEQUEL.   PS. THE OTHER THING THAT I DON'T LIKE IS HOW MECHANICALLY BETTER STEALTH IS THAN DEADLY RUNS. ENJOY GETTING LIKE 25 DIFFERENT SKILLS AND TOOLS THEN ONLY USING 4 OF THEM FOR 90