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Showing posts from October, 2019

Blood Tea and Red String [movie, amazing]

Blood Tea and Red String [movie, amazing] GOD, THIS IS MY FAVORITE SORT OF MOVIE. JUST WEIRD WORDLESS ART HOUSE STOP MOTION ABOUT WEIRD CROW RATS MAKING AN EGG DOLL FOR ARISTOCRATIC SKEKSIS-ESQ WHITE MICE THEN EVERYONE WALKING SLOWLY AROUND HONKING AT EACH OTHER AND GETTING HELP FROM A FAT LITTLE FROG PRIEST. I ALSO LOVE THAT THE MICE ARE PLAYED UP AS BAD AND DARK AND THEY DRINK BLOOD BUT THEY KINDA ONLY JUST PLAY CARDS AND RIDE TURTLES AND THE ONE WITH THE DOLL WIFE JUST SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY ACTUALLY SAD ONE. PS. I KNOW THIS MOVIE HAD A LONG PRODUCTION TIME SO THAT EXPLAINS IT SOME, BUT JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS A 2006 MOVIE!? THIS MOVIE CLEARLY CAME OUT IN 1978, EVEN IF IT WASN'T THE 1978 OF OUR UNIVERSE.

The Lair of the White Worm [movie]

The Lair of the White Worm [movie] THIS HAS JOKES AND IS A COMEDY BUT THE MAGIC OF IT IS THAT IT'S FILMED SO ENTIRELY SERIOUSLY IT'S EASY TO NOT NOTICE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DUMB THEN WHEN THE FREAK OUT BLASPHEMOUS PARTS HAPPEN THEY ARE JUST MIND BLOWING, BECAUSE YOU DON'T EXPECT THEM. PS. THIS CHANGED A LOT OF THE BRAM STOKER'S STORY BUT KINDA CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED IT'S THE SAME STORY AS DRACULA BUT WITH A LADY INSTEAD OF A GUY AND A SNAKE INSTEAD OF A BAT.

Eli [movie]

Eli [movie] YOU COULD WATCH THE FIRST 80% OF THIS MOVIE AND THEN BE GIVEN A TRILLION YEARS TO GUESS WHAT THE TWIST IS GOING TO BE AND NEVER GET IT. THIS FEELS LIKE THE LEAST TELEGRAPHED AND MOST OUT OF LEFT FIELD TWIST A MOVIE HAS EVER HAD AND I'M LOSING MY MIND AT HOW DUMB IT IS. IT'S GREAT! PS. AFTER THE TWIST IT FEELS LIKE THEY INDICATE THEY ACTUALLY HAD TRIED GENETIC ENGINEERING FOR REAL AND THAT WASN'T A LIE, THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT IS MIND BOGGLING FOR THE WAY THIS MOVIE'S UNIVERSE FUNCTION.

Chuchel [game]

Chuchel [game] YOU KNOW THE GENIE PART OF BOTANICULA? (DO YOU KNOW THAT PART???) THIS IS THAT BUT A WHOLE GAME MADE BY THE SAME GUY. LIKE, WEIRD LOOSELY CONNECTED PUZZLES WHERE THE WORD PUZZLE IS EXTREMELY LOOSELY INTERPRETED AND IT'S MOSTLY JUST CLICKING ON A FEW THINGS AND WATCHING WEIRD TERRIFYING ANIMATIONS BUT THE ANIMATIONS ARE GREAT SO IT'S FINE THAT IT'S BARELY A GAME. PS. LIKE EVEN WHEN THERE IS PUZZLES THERE IS A HINT SYSTEM THAT TELLS YOU THE ANSWER AND THE WORST THING IS THAT THE HINTS ALSO HAVE WEIRD FUNNY ANIMATIONS SO YOU WANT TO CLICK THEM EVEN IF YOU DON'T NEED THEM.

Head Count [movie]

Head Count [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS EXTREMELY GENERIC. YOU CAN TELL THE WRITER HAD A PLAN TO MAKE SOME SORT OF SUPER ICONIC NEW MONSTER MOVIE MONSTER BECAUSE THE MONSTER HAS TONS OF 'TRAITS' BUT NONE OF THEM MATTER AND I WILL FORGET I WATCHED THIS MOVIE BY NEXT WEEK. PS. THEY DOWNLOADED A SNAKE GHOST FROM THE INTERNET.

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie [movie]

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie [movie] THIS ISN'T OFFENSIVELY BAD OR ANYTHING, IT'S JUST NOTHING, IT'S WRAPPING UP STORYLINES I DON'T REMEMBER EVEN NEEDING WRAPPING UP. I LOVED BREAKING BAD BUT LIKE, I JUST DO NOT CARE ONE BIT ON WHAT HAPPENED TO TODD OR THE VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN OR IF JESSIE HAS A HIGHSCHOOL DIPLOMA. I DO NOT REMEMBER WHO THE NAME ON THE ENVELOPE EVEN WAS. I GUESS I WATCHED THIS SHOW WAY TOO LONG AGO TO HAVE THE LEVEL OF ATTACHMENT TO MINUCHIA THAT THIS EXPECTS ME TO HAVE. PS. ARRON PAUL WAS ALREADY PLAYING THE WORLD'S MOST BALDINGEST TEEN, HE'S FRIGGIN 40 NOW,  HE'S OLDER THAN I AM, HE'S NOT A 23 YEAR OLD.

The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex [book, garbage]

The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex [book, garbage] THIS BOOK IS LIKE, SHOCKINGLY VILE. LIKE FOR WOKE REASONS LIKE HOW GROSS IT IS THERE IS A SECTION FOR TRYING TO FIND OUT IF YOUR DATE IS SECRETLY A MAN BUT JUST THE WHOLE TONE OF IT. YUCK. PS. THIS IS THE BOOK FROM THAT PICTURE WHEN I WAS SHOWING SOMEONE THE LITTLE LIBRARY STREET CORNER THINGS, SINCE THAT SEEMED LIKE THAT MUST BE A SMALL TOWN TYPE OF THING TO HAVE, BUT APPARENTLY THEY HAVE THOSE IN BIG CITIES TOO SO END TO END DISASTER HERE.

Untitled Goose Game [game]

Untitled Goose Game [game] LISTEN, THIS GAME IS SO CHARMING. "IT'S A LOVELY MORNING AND YOU ARE A HORRIBLE GOOSE" IS AN AMAZING TAG LINE, THE GRAPHICS ARE ADORABLE, BULLYING GRIFFIN MCELROY IS GREAT, BEING AN ASSHOLE GOOSE IS GREAT AND THE GAME SUPPORTS FOOLING AROUND. THIS GAME IS NEAT. BUT... BUT... THIS GAME IS SORT OF BAD? THE SECOND YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBER THIS IS A VIDEOGAME IT KINDA, ISN'T FUN? THE GENERAL GOOSING STUFF UP IS GREAT BUT EVERY PUZZLE OR STEALTH THING IS UNINTUITIVE AND GLITCHY AND HARD TO EXECUTE. I LOVE JUST MESSING AROUND IN THIS GAME, THE ACTUAL PUZZLES AND QUESTS? OOF. PS. I LOVED LISTENING TO GIANT BOMB TALK ABOUT THIS, YOU COULD TELL THAT EVERYONE, LIKE ME, WAS JUST SO EMBARRASSED THINKING THEY WERE THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN'T LOVE THE GAMEPLAY AND EVERYONE SORT OF SLOWLY FEELING OUT HOW MUCH THEY DARED TO SAY AND THERE JUST BEING THIS CATHARTIC POINT WHERE EVERYONE ADMITTED IT'S KINDA NOT FUN AND JUST THIS HUGE WAVE OF RELIEF. I STI...

Joker [movie]

Joker [movie] OKAY, THIS MOVIE IS REALLY REALLY GOOD. IT'S MAYBE NOT QUITE AS GOOD AS DARK KNIGHT, BUT IT'S ABSOLUTELY IN THAT SAME RANGE. IT'S ACTUALLY ALMOST WEIRD THIS IS EVEN A BATMAN MOVIE, LIKE IT'S SUCH A LEGITIMATELY GOOD MOVIE. (ALSO HOW DOES THIS EVEN FIT INTO THE BATMAN UNIVERSE? JOKER IS CLEARLY IN HIS MID 40S WHEN BATMAN IS LIKE 8, IS BATMAN FIGHTING GRANDPA JOKER IN THIS UNIVERSE?) PS. THE CONTROVERSY IS LIKE A THOUSAND PERCENT CORRECT AND THIS IS SO CLEARLY SCHOOL SHOOTER: THE MOVIE. AND EVEN BEING THE BEST MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN AGES IT'S WEIRD AS HELL THEY MADE THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HECK. RUN AWAY FROM ANY WHITE TEEN BOY THAT LISTS THIS MOVIE AS A FAVORITE ON A PROFILE.

A.M.I [movie]

A.M.I [movie] I THINK IT JUST MISSES EARNING THE 'AMAZING' TAG, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST HONOR I BESTOW ON A MOVIE, BUT THIS MOVIE IS EXTREMELY AMAZING. IT IS A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT EVIL SIRI BUT THE WHOLE THING IS JUST WRITTEN IN THIS AMAZINGLY BAFFLING TONE WHERE NO ONE HAS ANY MOTIVATIONS THAT MAKE ANY SENSE AND ALL THE DIALOG IS HORRIBLE IN A TOTALLY AMAZING WAY. LIKE EVERYONE IS A JACKASS BUT EVERYONE'S MOTIVATIONS ARE NONEXISTANT. LIKE BAD FRIEND GIRL'S PLOT IS SUCH A LONG CON AND SO POINTLESS, AND EVEN AMI IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE ON WHY IT'S EVIL. EVEN THE MAIN GIRL JUST HAS VAGUE 'HEAD INJURY" AS A REASON WHY SHE IS A MURDERER. WHICH THEY CONVEY BY HER TAKING ANTI-CAT STRANGLING PILLS. PS. I CAN'T DECIDE IF THE BEST SCENE IS THE EXTREMELY OVER THE TOP FINAL SCENE OR THE SCENE THEY DO COMPUTER VISION OF AMI CALCULATING SARAH LOOKING AT LIAM'S DICK. OR LITERALLY ANY SCENE OF LIAM INTERACTING WITH JOCK AMI.

The Cell 2 [movie]

The Cell 2 [movie] I HAD NO IDEA THIS MOVIE EVEN EXISTED, IT'S SO BAD. I DON'T THINK THIS IS EVEN RELATED TO THE CELL, I THINK THEY JUST STUCK THE NAME ON A DIRECT TO VIDEO MOVIE. I HONESTLY THINK THE CGI OF THE MEMORIES IS THE WORST CGI I'VE EVER SEEN. IT'S EXTREMELY WATCHABLE THOUGH, IT'S SERIOUSLY GOT SOME IT'S SO BAD IT'S GOOD CHOPS. PS. THE WHOLE PREMISE IS THAT THE SERIAL KILLER IS AN EMT SO HE KILLS PEOPLE THEN BRINGS THEM BACK TO LIFE AND THIS WOMAN WAS KILLED THE MOST TIMES OF ANYONE SO THE ENDORPHINS MUTATED HER BRAIN AND MADE HER PSYCHIC SO SHE NEEDS TO WEAR A LIMITER AT ALL TIMES IS SO INTENSELY AN ANIME PLOT.