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Showing posts from May, 2019

Under The Silverlake [movie]

Under The Silverlake [movie] THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT IN THEATERS BUT THEY SHOWED IT AT MOVIE FESTIVALS AND EVERYONE HATED IT SO MUCH IT NEVER CAME OUT BUT OH MAN THIS MOVIE IS REAL GOOD. IT'S LIKE 70 MINUTES LONGER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE AND KINDA MADE ME WANT TO FALL ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE BUT THE GOOD PARTS ARE REAL REAL REAL GOOD. THE MUSIC GUY PART ESPECIALLY. PS. LISTEN, WE ALL KNOW THE REAL REASON I LIKE THIS MOVIE IS THAT THE LEGEND OF ZELDA MAP IN THE FIRST ISSUE OF NINTENDO POWER IS A MAJOR PLOT POINT AND I 100% USED TO STARE AT THAT MAP A TON BEFORE I HAD THE GAME.

Ripcord [play]

Ripcord [play] THIS WAS REALLY GOOD AND FUNNY BUT I THINK I GET REALLY STRESSED OUT WHEN PEOPLE ARE MEAN TO EACH OTHER. ALSO MAN, I WAS BLOWN AWAY BY THE SETS, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE GONE TO A TON OF PLAYS LATELY AND EVERY ONE HAD ONE OR TWO BARELY DRESSED SET. THIS HAD A BEDROOM, A HELL HOUSE WITH THREE ROOMS, A PARK, *AND* AN AIRPLANE SET WITH AN EXTERIOR AND AN INTERIOR. AND SOME OF THEM MOVED AND STUFF, AND MAN I AM APPARENTLY A SUCKER FOR THAT. ALSO EVERY REVIEW OF THIS MENTIONS THE ITCHING POWDER SCENE AND THERE WAS NO ITCHING POWDER SCENE BUT NEAR THE END SHE THREATENS THAT THE NEXT THING WON'T BE ANOTHER THING LIKE THE ITCHING POWDER AND I FEEL LIKE THAT IS 'THE GOONIES' OCTOPUS LEVEL OF HALF CUT CONTENT. PS. THE SASSAFRAS JOKE WAS SHOCKINGLY DIRTY! YIKES!

The Perfection [movie]

The Perfection [movie] EH, THIS HAD ELEMENTS OF BEING A SUPER WELL MADE OR SUPER CREEPY MOVIE, BUT IT JUST DIDN'T PULL IT OFF. LIKE SOMETHING ABOUT SHOWING SHOCKING STUFF THEN PLAYING A REWIND SOUND THEN REPLAYING EVERY SINGLE THING EXPLAINING IT RECONTEXTUALIZED JUST WAS REALLY LAME. LIKE YOU GOT WHAT THEY WERE DOING WELL BEFORE THEY FINISHED SHOWING EVERY SINGLE CLEVER HINT THEY THREW IN. IT FELT LIKE READING THE EXPLANATION CHAPTER IN AN ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN BOOK OR SOMETHING AND IT JUST MADE THE MOVIE FEEL MUDDLED. PS.MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO WATCH LESBIAN BUG ARM DRAMA AND STUMP RAPE FOR A FEW MINUTES WITHOUT SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY RUINING IT. (WHAT?)

Star vs The Forces of Evil [television]

Star vs The Forces of Evil [television] I BASICALLY WATCHED THIS AS A JOKE BECAUSE IT ENDED THE SAME DAY AS GAME OF THRONES. THE FIRST TWENTY EPISODES OR SO ARE SO BORING THIS WAS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL TO WATCH BUT GEEZ, THIS SHOW GETS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. IT'S SO WEIRD HOW FLIPPED THINGS ARE. LIKE IT'S HARD TO PHRASE THIS TO NOT SOUND LIKE A BIG LOSER MANCHILD BUT IT'S CRAZY HOW TV SHOWS FOR ADULT SEEM SO STUCK IN HAVING SIMPLE PLOTS, AND HOW MODERN KIDS SHOWS ARE ALLOWED TO GO ALL OUT ON HAVING COMPLEX EVOLVING PLOTS WITH THEMES AND ALLEGORIES AND STUFF. LIKE THERE *ARE* ADULT SHOWS WITH STRONG STORYTELLING PLOTS, CLEARLY, GAME OF THRONES FOR EXAMPLE. BUT IT'S WEIRD HOW IT'S STILL SIGNIFICANT FOR A SHOW LIKE BREAKING BAD TO BE "THAT SHOW WITH A PLOT", WHERE KIDS SHOWS CAN JUST THROW THAT IN NBD, LIKE THIS ONE JUST SUDDENLY GROWING A WHOLE COMPLEX STORY OUT OF SOME THROW AWAY EPISODE MAKING FUN OF THANKSGIVING. 'THE GOOD PLACE' IS PRETTY MUCH THE ...

Lifeforce [movie]

Lifeforce [movie] I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS MOVIE. APPARENTLY THE GUY THAT WROTE POLTERGEIST AND CHAINSAW MASSACRE AND STUFF GOT A HUGE BUDGET TO WRITE A BIG BLOCKBUSTER SPACE SCI-FI MOVIE ABOUT VAMPIRES AND MADE THIS SUPER NONSENSE CRAZY PERSON MOVIE. IT'S NOT EVEN BAD, IT'S JUST LIKE, TWENTY DIFFERENT WEIRD MOVIE PREMISES ALL AT ONCE AND ALSO THE VAMPIRE LADY IS FULLY NAKED LIKE 90% OF THE MOVIE. PS. THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE FIRST SCI-FI THING PATRICK STEWART WAS IN, RIGHT?

A Dog's Journey [movie]

A Dog's Journey [movie] THE TIME LINE ON THIS IS LIKE INCOMPREHENSIBLE. LIKE BAILEY DIED RIGHT OFF THEN LIKE, I GUESS HAD TO SPEND LIKE 8 YEARS BEING PURIFIED IN DOG HELL BEFORE RETURNING? OR MAYBE OLD BAILEY LIVED FOR LIKE 8 YEARS AFTER ALREADY BEING ELDERLY? THEN MOLY LIVED AND DIED OVER 10 YEARS, AND BIG DOG????? GREW TO FULL GROWN IN A DAY THEN DIED INSTANTLY THE NEXT DAY? LIVED FOR A DECADE AND IT TOOK HANNA(?) LIKE 10 YEARS TO DRIVE FROM NEW CHICAGO TO NEW YORK? THEN MAX WAS EXACTLY 8 MONTHS OLD AND IF LIKE SHE LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR 8 MONTHS I GUESS THAT IS FINE, BUT IF SHE WAS LIKE 35 OR SOMETHING THEN THE MEAN GIRLFRIEND WAS LIKE, SUPER RIGHT THAT SHE WAS KINDA A LOSER. PS. I LIKE THAT THE DOG NEVER ACTUALLY PROTECTED CJ IN ANY ACTUAL WAY AT ANY POINT. LIKE THERE WAS A WHOLE SUBPLOT ABOUT A MAN TRYING TO MURDER HER AND DOG'S WHOLE REACTION TO THAT WAS TO POINTLESSLY DIE IN A CAR CRASH THEN HIM TO JUST FIDDLE WITH HIS HAT AND DRIVE AWAY. THEN THE WHOLE STORY OF A WHO...

Smashed: Junji Ito Story Collection [comic]

Smashed: Junji Ito Story Collection [comic] I LOVE SO MUCH THAT MOST HORROR WRITING IS IN A FORMULA, OF TAKING A COMMON FEAR AND SPINNING IT OUT TO A MONSTER EMBODYING IT. BUT JUNJI ITO IS NEVER THAT. IT'S ALWAYS SUPER NONSENSE THAT IS SUPER SILLY PLAYED WITH GREAT ART THAT MASHES INTO SOME KIND OF DEGENERATE DREAM NIGHTMARE LOGIC TILL IT'S JUST SO WEIRD IT JUST STICKS WITH YOU.  LIKE SOMETIMES YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A NORMAL PLAY ON A FEAR, LIKE A STORY ABOUT PICKING UP A GHOST ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD OR LIKE HAVING A SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD THAT CONSUMES YOU TILL YOU DIE, BUT NOPE, NEVER, IT ALWAYS MUTATES INTO BODY HORROR ABOUT SCIENCE VIBRATING YOUR BRAIN OR A WOMAN THAT EATS GHOSTS. LIKE THE MOST STRAIGHTFORWARD STORY WAS "WHAT IF A DEMON BOY WHO HAD NAILS IN HIS TEETH MADE YOUR CAT BE CRAZY". PS. I READ THE BAT ONE BEFORE BED AND THEN HAD AN ACTUAL NIGHTMARE ABOUT THE BAT CIRCULATORY SYSTEM THING. IT'S SUCH A WEIRD NONSENSE CONCEPT AND IT BARELY ...

Bee and Puppycat [television]

Bee and Puppycat [television] AFTER FOLLOWING ALL THE PILOTS AND MINI MOVIES AND SHORTS AND STUFF I NEVER ACTUALLY BOTHERED TO WATCH THE ACTUAL SERIES THEY MADE. OH MAN, IT'S PRETTY GOOD! ALSO IT'S WEIRDLY SAD. LIKE SOME SAD STUFF HAPPENS BUT IT'S WEIRDLY BLEAK FOR SUCH A HAPPY COLORFUL SERIES. ALSO PUPPYCAT SAYS ASS. PS. OH MAN THE DAD SONG IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT ONCE YOU KNOW "I SURE HOPE YOUR NOT BROKE, AND EVERYTHING IS RUNNING FINE, I'LL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR MEMORY"

Ronal the Barbarian [movie]

Ronal the Barbarian [movie] SAW THINGS THAT MADE THIS LOOK FUNNY TRAINWRECK BAD BUT IT'S JUST EXTREMELY BORING BAD. PS. STARING DEE SNYDER

20XX [game]

20XX [game] THIS IS AN OFF BRAND MEGA MAN RIP OFF ROGUELIKE. IT'S GOT SUCH A WEIRD MIX ON CONTENT, LIKE THE BOSS WEAPONS ARE REALLY DULL, THE ENEMIES AND LEVELS ARE REPETITIVE, THERE ISN'T EVEN A DIFFERENT LEVEL FOR EACH BOSS, BUT THEN THERE IS LIKE A BILLION RANDOM DROP ITEMS AND LIKE SET BONUSES THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE AND LIKE PROTOTYPE ITEMS THAT YOU GET ON LIKE ONE OUT OF EVERY 30 RUNS OR SOMETHING. PS. THE CUT SCENES ARE LITERALLY THE WORST I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A GAME.

The Wandering Earth [movie]

The Wandering Earth [movie] AT SOME POINT CHINA IS GOING TO BE A BIG MOVIE POWERHOUSE MAKING ALL THE BIGGEST ACTION MOVIES, BUT MAN IS IT NOT THERE YET. THIS HAS AMAZING OVER THE TOP SENSIBILITIES AND SOMEONE SHOOTS JUPITER WITH A CHAINGUN AT ONE POINT AND THAT IS SOME EXCELLENT STUPID FILM MAKING BUT THIS WAS JUST UNGODLY BORING AND IT FELT LIKE A MESS THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO EVER TELL WHAT ANYONE WAS EVER DOING. LIKE IT FELT LIKE A SERIES OF CLEARLY LAID OUT PLANS FOLLOWED BY INCOMPREHENSIBLE ACTION SCENES. LIKE I COULD FOLLOW THE PLOT BUT COULDN'T TELL YOU A SINGLE THING ANYONE WAS DOING AT ANY MOMENT. MOSTLY DRIVING SPACE CARS I GUESS. PS. THIS ALSO HAD LIKE 1970S SPEED RACER QUALITY DUBBING, TIM ESPECIALLY.

Detective Pikachu [movie]

Detective Pikachu [movie] I DON'T KNOW IF THIS MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY GOOD BUT THIS MOVIE WAS SUPER GOOD. I'M GETTING MILDLY SICK OF RYAN REYNOLDS AT THIS POINT JUST BEING THE SAME IN EVERY MOVIE BUT IT WAS FINE, THE REAL STAR OF THIS MOVIE WAS BASICALLY JUST EVERYTHING GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND NONSTOP. ALSO A BUNCH OF KIDS IN THE AUDIENCE WERE CRYING SO HARD WHEN MEWTWO WAS YELLING AND THAT IS MY REVIEW OF THIS MOVIE PS.  THAT ENDING THOUGH, COME ON, I KNOW THIS MOVIE IS FOR KIDS BUT GEEEEZZZ WAS THAT PREDICTABLE. THE TWIST SHOULD OF BEEN IT *NOT* BEING THAT.

Death House [movie]

Death House [movie] I THINK THIS MOVIE MIGHT HAVE BEEN LEGIT AMAZING BUT LIKE, IT WAS FILMED SO DARK I ABSOLUTELY AT NO POINT KNEW OR CARED WHAT WAS GOING ON AND COULD NOT PAY ATTENTION TO LARGE SECTIONS OF PEOPLE WALKING IN DARK ROOMS WHILE THE CAMERA TRIED TO SHOW CRAZY THINGS. MAYBE SOMEDAY MST3K WILL DO THIS MOVIE, MAYBE I COULD PAY ATTENTION TO ALL THE WEIRD NONSENSE IN THIS MOVIE IF SOMEONE WAS POINTING IT OUT AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO JUST STARE AT A BLACK SCREEN. PS. THE 5 WORST CRIMINALS HOWEVER IS JUST FLAT OUT AMAZING. ONE IS JUST LIKE, A NECROMANCER? A VAMPIRE? ONE IS RESURRECTING HITLER? IT'S THE MOST GIBBERISH LIST IMAGINABLE. 

Tuca And Bertie [television]

Tuca And Bertie [television] HOLY CRAP, THIS IS VERY EXTREMELY GOOD. I LIKE THIS SO MUCH. EVERYONE FROM BOJACK HORSEMAN JUST MADE A SHOW THAT IS EXACTLY LIKE BOJACK HORSEMAN SET IN A SETTING ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE BOJACK HORSEMAN AND TOLD A BOJACK HORSEMAN STYLE STORY EXCEPT MANIC INSTEAD OF DEPRESSIVE AND TURNED IT UP TO 11 (TO THE POINT I FEEL CONFIDENT SOMEONE LITERALLY SAID MANIC INSTEAD OF DEPRESSIVE PITCHING IT). LIKE IT EVEN DOES THE "SECOND TO LAST EPISODE IS WAY MORE SERIOUS" BOJACK THING. PS. I WATCHED NEARLY THE ENTIRE SERIES BETWEEN 1AM AND 4AM LAST NIGHT BECAUSE SOMEONE DESCRIBED IT AS "THE MOST ANIMATED SHOW EVER MADE" AND HOLY CRAP IT'S THE MOST ANIMATED SHOW EVER MADE. THERE ISN'T A SECOND OF THIS SHOW THAT FIVE THOUSAND THINGS AREN'T HAPPENING ON SCREEN AND EVERY TIME ANYTHING MOVES THERE IS EITHER 5000 FRAMES OF ANIMATION OR ELSE LIKE 5000 WEIRD STILL SHOTS WHERE A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENS ON SCREEN FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND IT'S REALLY...

Reign of the Supermen [movie]

Reign of the Supermen [movie] EVERYTHING DOES THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN STORY AND IT'S ALWAYS BAD BUT NO ONE DOES THE POST DEATH STORY BECAUSE THAT WAS BAD, BUT THIS DID AND THEY MANAGED TO MAKE IT GOOD. LIKE IT DRAGS ON A LOT FOR A MOVIE THAT IS LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG BUT IT'S GENERALLY REALLY GOOD. LIKE THEY GENERALLY GIVE EVERYONE AN INTERESTING ROLE IN THE STORY AND THAT IS NEAT. PS. WHO EVEN WATCHES THESE MOVIES? WHERE DO THESE MOVIES EVEN EXIST? EVERY 6 MONTHS OR SO I LOOK ON WIKIPEDIA IF ANY HAVE COME OUT THEN WATCH THEM ON LIKE WATCHCARTOONS OR SOME PIRATE WEBSITE LIKE THAT. I NEVER ACTUALLY HEAR ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THEM AND I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHERE PEOPLE ARE EVEN SUPPOSED TO SEE THEM OR KNOW THEY EXIST. LIKE I GUESS THEY JUST COME OUT DIRECT TO VIDEO SOMEWHERE? WITH NO ADVERTISING THAT I'D EVER SEE?

Superman: Doomsday [movie]

Superman: Doomsday [movie] THIS MOVIE IS FINE, AND I GET THAT THINGS ALWAYS WANT TO REDO THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN BECAUSE IT'S SUCH AN ICONIC STORY IN COMICS BUT MAN, IT'S SUCH A BAD THIN PLOT. LIKE HE DOESN'T DIE IN ANY SORT OF COMPLICATED WAY, SOMEONE JUST PUNCHES HIM HARD, AND THE PERSON THAT KILLS HIM ISN'T A COMPLEX CHARACTER WITH COMPLEX MOTIVATIONS, HE'S JUST A MINDLESS ANIMAL. AND LIKE, THIS MOVIE TRIED TO FILL THE PLOT UP WITH A SIDE STORY OF LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN AND STUFF ABOUT IDENTITY AND IT DID A GOOD JOB WITH IT, BUT DEATH OF SUPERMAN STUFF IS ALWAYS SO CURSED TO BE WEAK. PS. MAKING RAINN WILSON THE VOICE OF LEX LUTHER IS THE WORST, MOST OF ALL BECAUSE MAKING LEX LUTHER JUST BE DWIGHT WOULD BE A REALLY REALLY GOOD TAKE ON THE CHARACTER AND THEY 100% DIDN'T DO THAT.

Nothing Really Happens [movie]

Nothing Really Happens [movie] I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE A BUNCH,  I LOVE HOW OBVIOUS IT IS THE WHOLE MOVIE IS "WE COULD MAKE UPSTREAM COLOR/A PHILP K DICK MOVIE, HEY, ASK YOU MOM IF WE CAN USE HER HOUSE TO FILM THIS!". I LIKE HOW EVERYTHING HAS SO MUCH FOLLY WORK, LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING ANYONE TOUCHES MAKES LIKE 50 SOUNDS AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL HOW MUCH IT'S A STYLISTIC CHOICE AND HOW MUCH THEY JUST HIRED A FOLLY GUY AND WANTED TO GET THEIR MONEY'S WORTH. PS. THE VERY END!