Capital Reviews

ZOMBIE VIRUS AS METAPHOR FOR THE EFFECTS OF DATE RAPE? ZOMBIE VIRUS STD? A MOVIE ABOUT HOW MEAN LESBIANS ARE? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MOVIE WAS GOING FOR. WHY IS SHE FULL OF EARTHWORMS? PS. ON THE OTHER HAND SOMEHOW THIS IS THE ONLY MOVIE I CAN THINK OF THAT PLAYS ZOMBIE VIRUS AS A DEGENERATIVE PHYSICAL DISEASE PRIMARILY INSTEAD OF A DEGENERATIVE MENTAL DISEASE AND SOMEHOW EVEN WITH HOW TERRIBLE THIS MOVIE IS THAT WAS SURPRISINGLY INTERESTING AT HOW UNIQUE THAT IDEA IS FOR BEING SUCH AN OBVIOUS IDEA.

I THINK SOMEONE JUST HAD A BIG PILE OF LEFT OVER PAGES FROM EVERY OTHER MOVIE AND THEY WERE GOING TO THROW OUT THE PILE BUT SOMEONE WAS JUST LIKE 'NO, LETS FILM THIS'. PS. I THINK THIS MOVIE WAS PRO-ATHEISM? EVERYONE WAS SO AWFUL IT'S HARD TO TELL WHO WAS EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD GUY.

HOLY CRAP HOW DOES A GAME ABOUT UNVOICED MONO COLOR RECTANGLES HAVE SUCH GOOD CHARACTERIZATION? CLAIR THE SQUARE. LONG JOHN. THIS WHOLE AMAZING STORY ABOUT PEOPLE WHO WERE DIFFERENT AND THE WHOLE RANGE OF SEEING THAT AS MAKING THEM SPECIAL OR AS A CURSE. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THEY DID TOO GOOD OF A JOB MAKING YOU CARE ABOUT THE RECTANGLES BECAUSE LATER THEY SWITCH TO DIFFERENT ONES AND I'M SURE TEAM JUMP AND PAUL ARE VERY INTERESTING BUT LIKE I COULD GET MYSELF TO CARE ABOUT THEM AFTER THE REAL CAST LEFT.

THE BEST THING IS THAT PONTOFFEL PUCK JUST FUCKS EVERYTHING UP OVER AND OVER AND NEVER ACTUALLY DOES A SINGLE USEFUL ACTION AND STUFF JUST HAPPENS EVENTUALLY AND HE SUCCESSFULLY GETS A TERRIBLE JOB. PS. I LIKE THAT SNEECHES/LORAX/GREAT BUTTER BATTLE HAVE REALLY MATURE AND DEEP METAPHOR AND LESSONS THEN THIS ONE IS JUST "PONTOFFEL POCK FUCKS AROUND FOR A WHILE BREAKING THINGS"

NIYA AND NIYEED SPEND 2 HOURS TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL EMOTIONAL THAT YOU PRESSED L2 AT THE END. PS. THIS GAME IS A MASTERPIECE BUT I NEVER WANT TO PLAY ANOTHER SECOND OF IT.

I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING NEW 52, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY TMZ OR TRUBLOOD OR WORLD OF WARCRAFT, ALL SUPER HERO ORIGINS STILL FEEL LIKE THEY HAPPENED IN THE 1940S OR SOMETHING. PS. ONLY CYBORG GETS A COOL NEW ORIGIN BECAUSE NO BODY CARES ABOUT CYBORG.

BETWEEN THIS AND THE LEGO MOVIE I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE ENTERED A WEIRD POST MODERN WORLD WHERE PEOPLE CAN MAKE AMAZING MOVIES THAT BASICALLY CAN BE AS META AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD POSSIBLY DREAM OF. ALSO DANNY TREJO ALSO ROBIN. PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS WHOLE MOVIE EXISTS BECAUSE SOMEONE FIGURED A MORE MODERN WAY TO HAVE KERMIT HAVE MORE DYNAMIC ANIMATION BUT THEY REALIZED THAT DIDN'T FIT IN THE FRAMEWORK OF HIS CHARACTER SO THEY HAD TO MAKE ANOTHER KERMIT TO SHOW IT OFF.

I HAVE REALLY MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS GAME! IT FELT LIKE WHEN IT WAS GOOD IT WAS SUPER GOOD, BUT WHEN IT WASN'T IT WASN'T. IT FEELS LIKE THE ORIGINAL JOKES WERE SUPER FUNNY BUT THE PLACES THAT THEY WERE LIKE 'HEY REMEMBER WHEN THIS WAS ON THE SHOW!?' FELL REALLY FLAT. LIKE JUST THE DUMB POINTLESS CONVERSATION ABOUT GREEN SAUCE WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN MANBEARPIG SHOWING UP OR CHEESEY PUFFS BEING HEALTH POTIONS. ON THE OTHER HAND WOAH THIS SHOW PUSHED BOUNDERIES WAY PAST WHERE IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW DOES, WITH A LOT OF OUTRIGHT NUDITY AND SOME REALLY REALLY REALLY DARK JOKES. PS. WERE STATUS EFFECTS LITERALLY BROKEN? WAS IT INTENTIONAL THEY WERE SO STRONG? I ENDED UP WEARING THE GOTH CLOTHS FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME BECAUSE STATUS EFFECTS WERE SO DAMN BROKEN IT FELT LIKE YOU HAD TO EXPLOIT THE GAME TO MAKE IT *NOT* BROKENLY EASY. WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO ANYTHING BUT USE THE BROKEN BOTTLE/'POISON GRENADES' WITH SOME STATUS AND KILL EVERYTHING WITH GROSS AN...

I CAN'T IMAGINE THIS MOVIE WAS MAKING ANY SORT OF ARTISTIC STATEMENT BUT I LOVE HOW REVERSED ALL THE ROLES WERE IN THIS MOVIE. THE GREEDY CEO JUST WANTED A FUN TOY WHILE IT WAS THE TOY DESIGNER THAT WANTED TO RELEASE SOMETHING UNSAFE, THE MAIN CHARACTER WON THE GIRL IN THE END BUT ACTUALLY SHE HAD LIKED HIM OPENLY THE WHOLE MOVIE AND THE BULLY REALLY NEVER BULLIED THEM WHILE THEY OWED HIM A BUNCH OF MONEY FOR LEGITIMATE REASONS, WHICH THEY TRIED TO PAY OFF THROUGH CRIME. PS. THIS MOVIE CAME OUT IN 1995 AND IS THE MOST 1995 MOVIE EVER.

I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE HATED THIS GAME, BUT THIS IS CLEARLY THE BEST 13 GAME. THE BATTLE SYSTEM IS AWESOME, THE STORY IS AWESOME, I DON'T KNOW, THIS GAME SEEMED GREAT. I ALWAYS LOVE END OF DAYS STORIES THOUGH. ON THE OTHER HAND IT HAD THIS SYSTEM WHERE SINCE THE WORLD WAS ENDING SO EVERY SPECIES OF ENEMIES HAD A CERTAIN NUMBER AND YOU COULD KILL EVERY LAST ONE, WITH THE LAST ONE BEING A SPECIAL BOSS MODE THAT WAS PINK. THIS FELT LIKE THE SADDEST THING EVER, BASICALLY IT'S JUST DEUTERONOMY 2:10 FROM THE MOUNTAIN GOAT'S ALBUM 'LIFE OF THE WORLD TO COME': THE VIDEO GAME. PS. THIS GAME BASICALLY HAD THE EXACT SAME ENDING AS THE SECRET ENDING FROM ASURA'S WRATH.  I STRONGLY SUSPECT ME STATING THAT FACT SPOILS THE ENDING FOR NO ONE, SINCE WHO THE HELL PLAYED ASURA'S WRATH?  

THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE ON NETFLIX PS. THATS IT, THAT IS THE WHOLE REVIEW.

EH, THIS MOVIE IS UNFORTUNATE, LIKE IT WAS SUPER INTERESTING, BUT HOW DID SOMEONE MANAGE TO DRAG OUT AND MAKE BORING THE STORY OF A SERIAL KILLER THAT LIVES IN SECRET TUNNELS UNDER A MENTAL HOSPITAL. PS. I WATCHED THIS RIGHT AFTER CANDYMAN AND THAT WAS KINDA CREEPY?

ACTUALLY I WATCHED THIS THINKING IT MIGHT BE ANOTHER DUMB SLASHER MOVIE LIKE WISHMASTER BUT INSTEAD IT WAS A 4REAL SCARY CLIVE BARKER MOVIE THAT KINDA FELT SLOW AND ATMOSPHERIC LIKE THE RING. ALSO REALISTICALLY SHOWED THAT WHITE PEOPLE KILLING POOR BLACK PEOPLE'S DOGS THEN CHOPPING THEM WITH A MEAT CLEAVER WILL GET YOU PUT IN JAIL FOR LIKE 2 OR 3 HOURS AT BEST. PS. THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY CGI WHEN THIS WAS MADE, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT GUY JUST FILLED HIS MOUTH WITH ACTUAL BEES.

I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE MADE A ROMANTIC COMEDY THEN 75% OF THE WAY THROUGH SOMEONE CHANGED THE SCRIPT AND MADE IT A WISHMASTER MOVIE. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND THIS WAS A PRETTY OKAY MOVIE AND ALSO ONCE AGAIN THE ANGELS ARE ABSURDLY USELESS AND WEAK. PS. WISHMASTER 1>WISHMASTER 4>WISHMASTER 2>WISHMASTER 3

MAKING A MOVIE THAT WASN'T ABOUT TEENS SUDDENLY ABOUT TEENS REALLY KINDA KILLS A MOVIE. BUT I LOVE THAT THIS CONTINUED THE TREND OF THE WISHES HAVING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS WISHED AND THE RECORDS OFFICE WOMAN WISHED THE WHOLE PLACE WOULD BURN DOWN AND INSTEAD SHE JUST CAUGHT ON FIRE. PS. I LOVE THAT MICHAEL THE ANGEL LITERALLY NEVER DOES ANYTHING EVER AND SEEMED TOTALLY WEAK AND USELESS AND HIS MAGIC SWORD COULDN'T EVEN CUT FLAGPOLES OR BROKEN CHAIRS. ALSO IT FELT LIKE THE END WAS GOING TO BE HER CUTTING HIS HAND OFF SO SHE COULD KILL HERSELF. THEY FORSHADOWED THE SWORD CUTTING OFF HANDS.

THE BEST THING IS HOW THE DJINN COULD ESCAPE IF HE WOULD JUST STOP BEING A DICK FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES. LIKE IF SOMEONE MAKES THREE WISHES AND YOU GET TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD MAYBE IT'S A BETTER IDEA TO NOT TERRORIZE THEM AND MAKE THEM WANT TO KILL YOU. PS. I CONTINUE TO LOVE HOW LITTLE HE ACTUALLY FILLS THE WISHES AND HOW LITTLE IT IS "SAY A WISH AND HE WILL TWIST IT TO SOMETHING BAD" VS "SAY A WISH AND HE WILL JUST DO WHATEVER AND MURDER YOU"

IF YOU FOLLOW CAPITAL REVIEWS YOU CAN SEE I TEND TO WATCH MOVIES IN STREAKS ON A THEME AND THAT RIGHT NOW I'M WATCHING A BUNCH OF BAD 90S HORROR MOVIES. I HAD NEVER WATCHED THIS BEFORE AND YOU KNOW, IT'S HOKEY BECAUSE ALL 90S HORROR WAS BUT IT ACTUALLY SEEMED KINDA OKAY, LIKE I LIKE THAT IT DIDN'T DO THE CLICHE 'BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR' GENIE THING, LIKE IT TOUCHED ON THE 'GRANT WISH OVER LITERAL' BUT MOSTLY THE JINN JUST GOT YOU TO AGREE WITH HIM THEN HE WOULD JUST FLAT OUT MURDER YOU. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE JINN VOICE WAS COOL WHEN HE TALKED LIKE 3 WORDS BUT ANY TIME HE HAD TO SAY AN ENTIRE SENTENCE IT SOUNDED LIKE GARBAGE.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE I USED TO GO TO A FRIEND'S HOUSE AND WATCH HORROR MOVIES, WE AWAYS WATCHED EITHER HELLRAISER OR PUPPET MASTER MOVIES. AND HELLRAISER WAS GREAT AND PUPPET MASTER ALWAYS SUCKED. I HAVEN'T WATCHED A PUPPET MASTER MOVIE SINCE THEN SO I WATCHED THIS ONE: PUPPET MASTER STILL PRETTY MUCH SUCKS. IT'S SAD BECAUSE THE GENERAL IDEA AND SOME OF THE PUPPET DESIGNS WORK, BUT THE MOVIES ARE JUST ALL BAD. PS. I ALWAYS FELT LIKE PUPPET MOVIE WAS A MOVIE THAT HAD TO EXIST. HORROR MOVIES OF THE TIME WERE SO SET ON STOP MOTION ANIMATION AND PUPPET WORK THAT IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT THERE HAD TO BE A SERIES THAT JUST MADE STOP MOTION PUPPETS THE FOCUS.

JESUS CHRIST IF ANYONE IS READING THIS YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS AND THEN WATCH THE MIDDLE SEGMENT. JESUS CHRIST I'M NOT EVEN JOKING JUST STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND OPEN THIS ON NETFLIX AND SCROLL THROUGH THE INTRO AND THE FIRST SEGMENT AND WATCH THE MIDDLE ONE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. PS. ACTUALLY I WATCHED THIS IN LIKE 6TH GRADE AND TOTALLY REMEMBER JUST PLAGIARIZING THE WHOLE LAST SEGMENT FOR A STORY FOR A CLASS AND EVERYONE THINKING IT WAS A REALLY GOOD STORY 'I' WROTE.

I REALLY LIKED THIS DOCUMENTARY, I LIKED THE FIRST PART MORE THAN THE SECOND PART BECAUSE I CARED MORE ABOUT MEDICAL HISTORY THAN LEGAL HISTORY BUT THE WHOLE THING WAS INTERESTING. PS. HEMOPHILIA TREATMENTS ALL SOUND LIKE 90S CYBERPUNK STREET DRUGS AND/OR AMERICAN GLADIATORS. CRYO, FACTOR.

I LIKE GLADWELL BUT THIS BOOK SEEMED WAY LESS GOOD THAN THE OTHER BOOKS, THE OTHER ONES SEEMED TO BE REALLY SHOCKING IDEAS HELD UP BY REALLY SHOCKING PROOF, THIS BOOK FELT LIKE COMMON SENSE MOSTLY HELD UP BY ONE OFF ANECDOTES. OH WELL! PS. RENOIR GETTING SKYED IN THE DEPOTOIR MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD. IT'S THE FANCIEST DOUCHEBAGGERY!

THE PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE IS THAT BASICALLY EVERYTHING DICK WRITES IS AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SO A MOVIE ABOUT HIM DOESN'T REALLY WORK, SINCE HE DID SUCH A GOOD JOB EXPLAINING ALL THE STUFF THAT HAPPENED TO HIM. IF YOU READ HIS BOOKS YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM ALREADY.  PS. THE PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE WAS THAT STUPID SLOW TYPEWRITER ANIMATION, HOLY CRAP.