Capital Reviews

I WATCHED THIS MOVIE ON A PLANE. I HAD NO IDEA MATT DAMON WAS THE STAR. IT HAD A LOT OF SIGUR ROS MUSIC IN IT AND THAT WAS RAD. PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE HAD A LOT MORE THEMATIC DEPTH IF THE WIFE AT THE END HAD SAID THE WORD 'WHATEVER' AND I KINDA WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T DO THAT?

THIS MOVIE WAS SURPRISINGLY GOOD. IT SEEMS WEIRD THAT IT IS HARD TO THINK OF OTHER HORROR MOVIES THAT USED THE TECHNIQUE OF 'MAKE THE BAD GUY REALLY TALL' BECAUSE THAT SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING THIS MOVIE DID WELL WITH. PS. LIKE 90% OF THE CONFLICT IN THIS MOVIE WOULD BE SOLVED IF PEOPLE HAD JUST TOLD OTHER PEOPLE 'PEOPLE IN CLOWN SUITS ARE MURDERING PEOPLE' AND NOT TRIED TO CONVINCE ANYONE THAT THEY WERE CLOWN ALIENS JUST TO GET THE PEOPLE TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

OH MAN, I THINK MY BRAIN HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT SAMOROST AND STUMBLING ON THAT IN THE WEIRD PART OF THE INTERNET LIKE A DECADE AGO AND IT BEING SO UNCLEAR IF IT WAS A REAL THING SOMEHOW. LIKE SOMEHOW AT THE TIME A WEB BASED GAME OF THAT GRAPHICAL QUALITY JUST DIDN'T SEEM POSSIBLE, LET ALONE AS SOME WEIRD THING HOSTED ON SOME NONSENSE WEB SERVER WITH NO FANFARE AND JUST A FEW PEOPLE LINKING TO IT AND SAYING "WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?". PS. I BEAT THIS WHOLE GAME IN LIKE 45 MINUTES BUT I MEAN, I GOT IT FOR FREE FOR DONATING FIVE BUCKS TO... SAVE TREES? PLANT TREES? HELP KIDS WITH CANCER? I AM VERY CLEARLY LINSEY BLUTH AND CAN'T ACTUALLY REMEMBER WHAT IT IS I WAS DONATING MONEY TO.

OKAY, SO I HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW I NEVER PLAY EVIL IN VIDEOGAMES AND THAT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO DO SO, SO I TRIED IT ON THIS GAME SINCE THIS WASN'T A GAME I REALLY WANTED TO PLAY BUT HAD SITTING ON MY PS3 SINCE PSN WENT DOWN AND I GOT IT FOR FREE. I REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME PLAYING EVIL, AND KEPT DOING THE GOOD SOLUTIONS OF THINGS BY ACCIDENT. I AM APPARENTLY VERY LAW ABIDING! ALSO DID PLAYING EVIL MAKE ME MISS A TON OF STORY? BECAUSE MAN THAT TWIST AT THE END WAS OUT OF LEFT FIELD AND SUPER DUMB. PS. IF YOU THINK I HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOU YOUR WRONG, I HAD THAT CONVERSATION LIKE 8 TIMES SINCE I DOWNLOADED THIS GAME.

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOVIES THAT MAKE YOU REMEMBER THAT THE MATRIX WAS AN ENTIRE GENRE OF MOVIE EVEN BEFORE THE MATRIX. PS. THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE WAS HOW ENTIRELY SIMPLE IT WAS TO CONVINCE THE PROGRAMMER THAT THE VIDEOGAME MAN WAS ALIVE AND THEN THAT HE NEEDED TO KILL IT. I MEAN IT CLEARLY TIED INTO THE NIRVANA THEME BUT HE WAS RIGHT ON THAT LIKE IT WAS A COMMON OCCURRENCE.

IT'S ME, I'M THE GUY THAT REALLY WANTS TO WATCH A 1960S SOVIET MOVIE RECALLING THE LIFE OF AN ARMENIAN POET SOLELY THROUGH VISUAL METAPHOR. I AM THE TERRIBLE POST MODERN EXPERIMENTAL FILM SNOB THAT SITS THROUGH THIS MOVIE AND ENJOYS IT. PS. I FEEL THAT ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY DREW HEAVILY FROM THIS FILM STYLE OF "EVERYONE LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA WHILE ANIMALS AND WEIRD CRAP HAPPENS IN THE BACKGROUND"

OH MAN, NETFLIX RATINGS, UP THROUGH FOUR AND A HALF STARS THEY SEEM TO BE REASONABLE SUGGESTIONS THEN BETWEEN FOUR AND A HALF AND FIVE STARS IT JUST GOES NUTS AND SEEMS TO BE THROWING JUST TOTALLY RANDOM MOVIES THAT SEEM LIKE THEY MAYBE AREN'T EVEN REAL MOVIES AT ME. BUT ALSO IT SEEMS TO BE TOTALLY SPOT ON THAT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK A FIVE STAR MOVIE IS. PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS OR ANY MOVIE IS WHEN THE HORSE GOES TO BED AND JUST STANDS ON THE BED.

HOLY CRAP. PS. YIKES.

I DON'T KNOW, THIS DOCUMENTARY WAS KINDA WEIRD, BECAUSE IT SHOWED A BUNCH OF SHORT CLIPS OF A WIDE RANGE OF MODIFICATIONS BUT THEN SPENT MOST OF IT'S TIME ON JUST "HEY I HAVE FACIAL TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, WEIRD RIGHT?" TATTOO SHOP OWNERS, WHICH WAS UNFORTUNATE. ALSO CAT MAN SEEMS LIKE A JERK WHILE LIZARD MAN SEEMS REALLY CHILL AND COOL. PS. I WILL FLAT OUT ADMIT I WOULDN'T EVER DO ANY BODY MODIFICATION BECAUSE I HAVE A WICKED FULL DECK OF PRIVILEGE AND AM ALWAYS SCARED TO DO THINGS THAT MIGHT THREATEN THAT. EVEN IF I REALIZE THAT IS MY REASONING AND KNOW THAT IS TERRIBLE.

ALTHOUGH I KNOW THAT THERE IS VERY LITTLE CHANCE THE TWO MOVIES INFLUENCED EACH OTHER OR EVEN KNEW OF EACH OTHER'S EXISTENCE I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT THIS MOVIE TAKES PLACE IN THE SAME WORLD AS WRIST CUTTERS: A LOVE STORY BUT APPLIED TO A MIDDLE CLASS SCANDINAVIAN MAN INSTEAD OF A 20 SOMETHING AMERICAN HIPSTER SLACKER. PS. OF COURSE THIS IDEA COMES UP MULTIPLE TIMES, OF COURSE PEOPLE COME UP WITH SUICIDE BEING PUNISHED WITH AN ENDLESS BLAND COLORLESS RUN DOWN CRAPSACK WORLD, IT'S THE WORST FEAR OF DEPRESSION, IT'S WHAT DEPRESSION WAS ANYWAY, AND OF COURSE THE IDEA THAT EVEN DEATH WOULDN'T ESCAPE IT IS THE WORST FEAR.

MEH, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LIKE THIS MOVIE A LOT AND SO DID NETFLIX BUT IT JUST NEVER CLICKED WITH ME. I THINK MAYBE THE STORY WASN'T SUPER HARD TO FOLLOW BUT I THINK I JUST LACKED A LOT OF MINOR CULTURAL KNOWLEDGE SO EVERYTHING WAS SORT OF FLAT. PS. LIKE I DON'T REALLY HAVE A GOOD GRASP ON THE SOCIAL DYNAMICS OF PARAGUY AND ARGENTINA, FROM THE FACT ONE CHARACTER WAS THE MAID OF THE OTHER I COULD FIGURE IT OUT BUT IT WASN'T SOMETHING I JUST KNEW SO IT MADE THE MOVIE DIFFICULT SINCE SO MUCH ABOUT IT WAS ABOUT THE SOCIAL ISSUES.

THIS SEEMED ALMOST TROLL 2ISH IN PARTS BUT NOT AS BAD, SO IT WASN'T AS GOOD. PS. IT WAS KINDA GOOD.

OH GOOD LORD THIS MOVIE WAS DULL AND TERRIBLE AND I MEAN I GUESS IT HAD A WICKED SMALL BUDGET AND DID SOMETHING REALLY IMPRESSIVE FOR SUCH A SMALL BUDGET BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BAREABLE. PS. WHAT THE HECK WAS ANYONE'S MOTIVATION? WHY DID LYN GO TO THIS THING AT ALL IF ERIK MAKING FUN OF HER FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS WAS ENOUGH TO GET HER BACK TO HIM AND IN LOVE ENOUGH TO KILL HERSELF? WHY DOES SHAMAN GUY AND LIKE 50 OTHER GUYS LOVE HER ENOUGH TO GO CRAZY AND MURDER PEOPLE AFTER KNOWING HER FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES AND HER LICKING A SKULL? WHY DIDN'T SHAMAN GO TO JAIL?

I REALLY DON'T LIKE CLAYMATION AT ALL BUT NETFLIX WAS SUPER CONVINCED I'D LIKE THIS, AND I GUESS I DID, BUT HAS NETFLIX DECIDED I HAVE AUTISM? I FEEL LIKE NETFLIX HAS ALREADY DECIDED I HAVE AUTISM AND IS PRESENTING A LOT OF AUTISM RELATED MOVIES TO ME. PS. WORST OFFENDER OF OVER USE OF PERPETUUM MOBILE EVER IN A MOVIE.

THIS ISN'T ANYWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AS TOKYO GORE POLICE OR EVEN SUKEBAN BOY BUT I REALLY JUST CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE MOVIES AND HOW MUCH IRONIC AND UNIRONIC ENJOYMENT I GET OUT OF THIS WHOLE STUPID GENRE OF HYPER CARTOONY HYPER GORE GIRL FIGHT MOVIES THAT JAPAN HAS INVENTED IN THE LAST COUPLE YEARS, IT'S SO ABSURD, THE VAMPIRE SKINNED SOMEONE'S HEAD THEN HEADBUTTED THE SKULL IN THE FIRST MINUTE OF THE MOVIE. PS. IGUCHI'S NEXT MOVIE IS CALLED "ZOMBIE ASS" AND IS SUBTITLED "TOILET OF THE DEAD" AND THAT IS WHY I LIKE IGUCHI MORE THAN NISHIMURA, THIS WAS A GOOD EFFORT BUT IT'LL NEVER BE IGUCHI'S WONDERFUL IDIOCY.

THIS IS A GOOD MOVIE BECAUSE IT PERFECTLY CAPTURES THAT WEIRD WAY PEOPLE THAT GROW UP HOME SCHOOLED AND ISOLATED ACT TAKEN UP TO 11. THE FACT THEY ALL SEEM TO BE DRINKING ORANGE JUICE WITH APPLE JUICE IN IT JUST SEEMS PERFECT, THE WEIRD QUIRK OF NORMAL MIXED IN WITH TRULY DAMAGED ACTIONS OF AN ISOLATED ABUSED GROUP. PS. I WANT TO MENTION THIS MOVIE TO CASSIE, LARGELY TO MAKE FUN OF HER, BUT AS FAR AS I CAN TELL THERE IS NO EARTHLY WAY TO CONTACT HER ANYMORE, WHICH SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT FOR WHY I WANTED TO OVERALL.

I HAVE MENTIONED A MILLION TIMES I LOVE COLD WAR/NUCLEAR WAR STUFF AND THAT EUROPEAN NUCLEAR WAR STUFF IS MY FAVORITE, THE US TREATS NUCLEAR BOMBS AS AWESOME AND BASICALLY ASCRIBES MAGIC TO THEM, EVERY DISASTER MOVIE IS SOLVED WITH NUCLEAR BOMBS, ENGLAND HAS THIS WEIRD SAD THING WHERE THEY ARE HELPLESS, THAT IF THEY DIE IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF THE US AND THE SOVIETS MAKING DISTANT DECISIONS AND THERE ISN'T MUCH TO BE DONE BUT TAKE IT. ALSO HOLY CRAP THIS CAME OUT IN 1965 AND THAT PART WITH THE VATICAN QUOTE MADE ME GASP IN 2012 BECAUSE THAT WAS SUCH AN EFFECTIVE "SCREW YOU VATICAN" AND I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT AT ALL. PS. NO THIS MOVIE ISN'T WARGAMES THIS IS A DIFFERENT THING I ALREADY WATCHED WARGAMES.

EVERYONE KNOWS ALL THESE DOCUMENTARIES COMING OUT ABOUT SCHOOLS ARE ALL CLEARLY FUNDED BY THE SAME ORGANIZATIONS RIGHT? IT'S NOT JUST SOME WACKY THING THE LAST FEW YEARS HAVE HAD DOCUMENTARY AFTER DOCUMENTARY THAT JUST ALL HAPPEN TO BE SHOWING WE NEED TO END PUBLIC SCHOOL, BUST UNIONS AND HAVE SCHOOL VOUCHERS. PS. WHY DID IT MAKE SO MUCH FUN OF THE GUY FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMEONE HAVING TOO MANY CARS LIKE THAT WAS REALLY WACKY LIKE 20 MINUTES AFTER THEY USED SUPERINTENDENT'S CARS AS PROOF THEY WERE BAD.