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Showing posts from April, 2014

Mean Girls [movie]

SOMETIMES I DO THAT OLD PEOPLE THING OF STARTING TO COMPLAIN THAT DECADES STOPPED HAVING MEANING AND EVERYTHING IS BASICALLY THE SAME AS IT WAS IN 2000 AND THEN I GO AND ACTUALLY WATCH A MOVIE LIKE THIS AND REMEMBER THAT NO WAY THE EARLY 2000S WERE TOTALLY A THING JUST AS MUCH AS THE 90S OR 80S. PS. TINA FAY IS HARD BECAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS LIZ LEMON BUT IT'S ALWAYS HARD TO TELL HOW MUCH LIZ LEMON SHE IS AND HOW MUCH I'M BRINGING MY OWN LIZ LEMON TO HER PERFORMANCE.

Grabbers [movie]

THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT A MONSTER THAT WON'T KILL PEOPLE WITH HIGH BLOOD ALCOHOL (ALTHOUGH THEY QUICKLY SUBVERT THAT AND I FEEL LIKE THAT WEAKENED THE MOVIE) AND OF COURSE IT'S A JOKE PREMISE FOR A JOKE HORROR MOVIE BUT THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE A REALLY SCARY SITUATION ESPECIALLY LONGTERM. PS. EITHER THIS TOWN HAS NO KIDS AT ALL OR THEY ALL DIED OFF SCREEN.

The Touch of Satan [movie]

WAIT, I DON'T GET IT, WHO WERE THE PARENTS? THEY WEREN'T HER ACTUAL PARENTS, DID SHE HIRE PARENTS? ALSO WHY DID THE CAR BURST INTO FLAME WHEN IT ROLLED DOWN A SMALL HILL? PS.  MST3K. 

History Decoded [book, nonfiction]

I HAVEN'T BEEN READING MUCH LATELY AND TO TRY TO JUMPSTART MYSELF I WANT TO READ SOME KINDA DUMB BOOKS, AND THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT CONSPIRACY THEORIES. BUT IT MANAGED TO BE NOT TOTALLY EYE ROLLING BECAUSE IT TOOK A VERY CONSISTENT TONE OF "SOME PEOPLE SAID THIS, WHATEVER, WHO CARES" AND BASICALLY READ LIKE A CRACKED ARTICLE. PS. WAIT, THE LANCE OF LONGINUS AND ANTARCTICA IS A SPECIFIC THING AND NOT JUST SOMETHING ANIME MADE UP OUT OF NOWHERE?

American Movie [movie,nonfiction]

OH GOD, THAT MIKE GUY IS THE BEST, IF THEY EVER NEED TO MAKE A LIVE ACTION ADVENTURE TIME THAT GUY IS THE REAL LIFE JAKE THE DOG. HIM AND THE BILLION YEAR OLD UNCLE WERE THE BEST THINGS. PS. THE BEST THING WAS HITTING THE GUY INTO THE CABINET AND IT NOT WORKING AT ALL.

The Amazing Spiderman [movie]

I REALLY THOUGHT I SAW THIS MOVIE BEFORE. THAT ISN'T EVEN INTENTIONALLY A 'HURR, FAST REMAKE' JOKE, I HONESTLY UNTIL TODAY THOUGHT I HAD SEEN THIS. I THINK THE FACT SPIDERMAN 3 HAD SO MANY PLOTS AND SUBPLOTS MY BRAIN JUST DECIDED TO BE LAZY AND REMEMBER IT AS SEVERAL MOVIES. PS. HOW THE HECK DOES "SCIENCE HIGHSCHOOL' HAVE SO MANY JOCKS AND BULLIES?

Mortified Nation [movie, nonfiction]

THIS WAS A REALLY CUTE IDEA BUT AS A DOCUMENTARY THIS WAS JUST SORT OF NOTHING, IT WASN'T THE THING ALONE AND IT WASN'T ABOUT THE THING ENOUGH AND IT WAS JUST SORT OF 80 MINUTES OF NOTHING. TOO BAD! IT REALLY WAS A CHARMING IDEA! ONLY THE GAY BLACK GUY SEEMED TO REALLY BE FUNNY THOUGH. PS. HOW IS BRIGID EVEN A NAME?

Transcendence [movie]

THIS WAS THE BEST SINGULARITY MOVIE IN A LONG TIME. THEY EVEN USED THE WORD. I THINK MAYBE I THINK AND TALK ABOUT IT LESS PARTLY BECAUSE I'M JUST OLDER NOW, AND NO ONE GETS INTO THAT STUFF AS MUCH AS WHEN THEY ARE 20. BUT I ALSO THING SOCIETY IN GENERAL ONLY COULD TALK ABOUT THAT IN A SHORT WINDOW, THERE WAS ONLY A FEW YEARS THAT PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT THE FUTURE AS WONDEROUS, GOOD OR BAD. PRE-1995 OR SO EVENTUAL NUCLEAR WAR WAS ASSUMED, POST 2001 SOME SORT OF GLOBAL WARMING/TERRORIST/POVERTY HELL FUTURE WAS THE NORM, 1997-2000 WAS THE ONLY TIME PEOPLE COULD WRITE ABOUT THE FUTURE BEING AMAZING, EVEN IF THE PLOT WAS ULTIMATELY THE SINGULARITY BECOMING A THREAT. BASICALLY EVERY SINGLE SINGULARITY STORY IS JUST THIS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJBleJJZixs PS. 'WILL CASTER' IS SUCH A TERRIBLE PUN I'M REALLY HOPING IT'S NOT EVEN A PUN AND THEY DIDN'T REALLY MEAN THAT.

War of the Worlds [movie]

YUP, THAT SURE WAS A LONG SET OF 9/11 IMAGERY THAT FIZZLED OUT AND DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE. PS. YES I WATCHED IT BECAUSE OF THAT NOSTALGIA CHICK THING.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier [movie]

WHY WAS THIS MOVIE SO SERIOUS? THERE WAS ONLY LIKE 4 OR 5 JOKES IN THE WHOLE MOVIE AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN CLEAR IF THEY WERE ACTUAL JOKES OR IF IT WAS JUST THE MOVIE BEING DUMB. EVERYTHING WAS SUPER SERIOUS AND EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER GOT SHOT A BUNCH OF TIMES WHICH APPARENTLY ONLY EVER HAS VERY SHORT TERM EFFECTS. PS. NO SERIOUSLY SOMEONE EXPLAIN NICK FURY'S EYE, I FELT LIKE THAT PART TOTALLY LOST ME. IS IT SOME COMIC BOOK THING I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

Beyond Re-Animator [movie]

THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT THE NOMINALLY EVIL WEST WAS ALL 'LETS JUST USE THE ENERGY FROM THE RAT, IT DOESN'T MATTER' THEN THE GOOD GUY WAS ALL 'NO THAT IS GHASTLY IT HAS TO BE HUMAN' AND THEY USE HUMAN ENERGY AND IT MAKES HER ALL MONSTERIZED, WHILE THE GUY WITH THE RAT ENERGY SEEMED PRETTY OKAY AND BACK ALIVE. PS. YOU KNOW A SEQUEL IS GOING TO BE GOOD WHEN IT COMES 15 YEARS AFTER THE LAST MOVIE IN A SERIES AND IS A SCIFI CHANEL TV MOVIE.

Bride of Re-Animator [movie]

THIS MOVIE SEEMED WAY WORSE THAN THE FIRST ONE UNTIL THE POINT A HEAD HAD BAT WINGS, THEN THIS MOVIE SEEMED WAY BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE. PS. OH, THIS IS WHAT THAT GROSS GIF OF MOVING HAND TENDONS COMES FROM.

Re-Animator [movie]

OH HEY NOW I GET THE SPIRO AGNU/NIXON JOKES ON FUTURAMA. I KINDA DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE MECHANICS OF IF REANIMATING MAKES A PERSON OR A ZOMBIE AND I EVEN LESS GET THE MECHANICS OF WHY LASER SCALPEL LOBOTOMIES LET HIM CONTROL ZOMBIES. PS. BONESAWS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Diablo III: Reaper of Souls [game]

I MADE A WIZARD LADY AND RANDOMLY NAMED IT ELSA. THEN BECAUSE OF THE NAME I GAVE HER ALL ICE SKILLS, AND COLLECTED UP SOME ICE ITEMS UNTIL I HAD A REALLY GOOD UNIQUE ICE GIMMICK GOING AND I GUESS THE ABILITY TO PLAY AS A DISNEY PRINCESS MAKES THIS GAME ACTUALLY SEEM KINDA OKAY NOW? LIKE IT'S ACTUALLY POSSIBLE TO BUILT INTERESTING BUILDS AND PLAY IN A FUN WAY INSTEAD OF JUST SOME CRAPPY OPTIMAL. PS. TOO BAD I PLAYED 200 HOURS OF THIS GAME BACK WHEN I HATED IT INSTEAD OF WANTING TO PLAY THAT NOW.

God Bless America [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS JUST "FALLING DOWN" FOR TERRIBLE SHITTY PEOPLE. PS. ALSO THIS IS A FEW YEARS OLD AND EVERYTHING FELT LIKE SUCH 2010 THINGS TO WHINE ABOUT.

Black Swan [movie]

I FEEL LIKE A CENTRAL THEME OF THIS MOVIE WAS THE MOM TREATING HER LIKE A LITTLE KID BUT THAT KINDA GOT MESSED UP BY THIS MOVIE BECAUSE PORTMAN IS LIKE 30 AND I DON'T THINK SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 30, SO IT WAS LIKE A 30 YEAR OLD PLAYING SOMEONE YOUNGER BEING TREATED EVEN MORE YOUNGER AND THAT SEEMED WEIRD.  WHAT THE HECK AGE WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE? SHE WENT TO A BAR. PS. LETS BE HONEST: I HAVE NO REAL GRASP OF WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE.

Mr. Peabody & Sherman [movie]

SOMEONE WATCH THIS MOVIE AND AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH ME THAT IT IS A METAPHOR FOR GAY ADOPTION. PS. THIS MOVIE WASN'T VERY GOOD (PEABODY AND SHERMAN NEVER WAS) AND THE ONLY FUNNY JOKE WAS "YOU NEED TO COME WITH ME BEFORE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF".

Noah [movie]

THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN A WHILE, LIKE, KINDA IN AN IRONIC WAY BUT KINDA NOT EVEN. THE SECOND HALF WAS LESS BATSHIT THAN THE FIRST HALF BUT THE FIRST HALF FELT MORE LIKE HOW EVANGELION OR XENOGEARS OR SOMETHING WOULD DO THE STORY OF NOAH THAN THE BIBLE.  PS. WAS THE FALLEN ANGEL ROCK GIANT SAYING IT HAD GOOD HANDS AND LOOKING AT IT'S HANDS A NEVERENDING STORY REFERENCE? 

How I Live Now [movie]

I REALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE, USUALLY WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT GENRES OF MOVIES THEY STOPPED MAKING IN THE 1980S YOU MEAN UNFATHOMABLY DOOFY STUFF FOR DUMBOS. BUT THEY ALSO STOPPED MAKING CRUSHINGLY GRIM WORLD WAR III MOVIES SET IN ENGLAND, UNTIL NOW! PS. CASUAL BRITISH INCEST.