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Showing posts from February, 2009

fringe [Television]

THIS SCIENCE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE IN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW! PS. I MEAN WAIT DID THEY FIND HER IN THE WAREHOUSE THEN SCAN HER EYE TO SEE WHERE SHE WAS FOUND OR WHAT? ALSO WE SAW HER DIE AND SAW SHE WASN'T LOOKING AT THE BRIDGE WHEN HE INJECTED HER, THEY SHOWED IT ON CAMERA!

Shadow of the Colossus [video game]

I ALWAYS SAY I LIKE GAMES YOU GET TO WALK ON BOSSES, AND THIS IS THE MOST BOSS WALKING GAME EVER MADE. ALSO I DON'T THINK IT WAS A VERY FUN GAME BUT IT WAS A REALLY GOOD GAME AND THATS PRETTY UNIQUE BECAUSE I MEAN THERE IS LOTS OF MOVIES THAT ARE GOOD BUT AREN'T "FUN". PS. THE ENDING WAS PRETTY DRAMATIC AND ALSO ABOUT 1/4TH AS LONG AS THE ENTIRE GAME WAS.

Inkheart [film]

AT LEAST ONE HICK IS GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THIS IS WHY THEY DON'T READ TO THEIR KIDS AND THAT MAKES ME SAD. ALSO THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE A BILLION TIMES BETTER IF THE PEN AT THE END WAS A PEN KNIFE AND THAT WOULDA KINDA RULED. PS. DID YOU NOTICE THERE WAS NO POINT TO THE FIRE AT THE END? LIKE IT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AND THEY WERE ALREADY DEFEATED BY THAT POINT?

penny arcade/wil weaton/pvp D&D 4e podcast [podcast]

I'M GAY

Eagle vs Shark [film]

BASICALLY THIS MOVIE IS EXACTLY LIKE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE BUT IF EVERYONE WAS SO AWKWARD IT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH. PS. PLUS IF JERMAL FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCORDS WAS NAPOLEON.

Push [Film]

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE TOP TEN MOVIE NIGHTS BUT INSTEAD I SAT NEXT TO SOME MAN THAT SMELLED OF BEEF FATS AND HAD TO SIT QUIETLY AND WATCH THE BORING BORING MOVIE. PS. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SCI FI CHANNEL MINISERIES.

Cloverfield [film]

WHY DID I START WATCHING THIS AT 12 AM? OH GOD NIGHTMARES HERE I COME. PS ACTUALLY I MISSED SOME IMPORTANT PARTS BECAUSE I WAS READING A CRAPPY BOOK.

Sex and the City [film]

I'M CARRIE, I CAN'T USE AN IPHONE AND MEXICAN DIARRHEA IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN GET MY LIFE ON TRACK. I'M LEWES, I HAD TO BE ESTABLISHED AS HAVING A DEGREE IN COMPUTER SCIENCE SO THAT LATER IT WOULD BE PLAUSIBLE THAT I COULD SET UP A MAIL FILTER. I'M LILLY, I AM ACTUALLY THE SOURCE OF MOST OF THE PROBLEMS, AS CHILDREN TYPICALLY ARE. I'M MR BIG, FOR SOME REASON I AM UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WEDDING DRESSES HAVE CELL PHONE POCKETS. PS. I DOWNLOADED THIS MOVIE TO MOCK MYSELF AFTER DRINKING A LOW FAT YOGURT AND SOY MILK SMOOTHIE AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT EVEN MAKES SENSE TO WATCH MOVIES AS AN EFFORT TO MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF.

Dollhouse [television]

OH WHAT IF LIKE, YOU COULD BUY A WHORE BUT INSTEAD OF HAVING SEX WITH HER SHE WAS A DOCTOR OR LAWYER, WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD? OH MAN LETS MAKE A SHOW ABOUT THAT, BUT ALSO LETS HAVE SOME LAW AND ORDER CRAP WHERE THE MAVERICK DETECTIVE SEARCHES FOR THIS PLACE. ALSO LETS BASICALLY TAKE PLOTS FOR PRETENDER. PS. THIS SHOW WON'T MAKE IT 5 EPISODES BUT I GUESS IT HAS 5 SEASONS OF PLOT ARCS WORKED OUT?

Into the Wild Green Yonder [Film]

WAIT, WHY DIDN'T THEY HAVE THE PLOT TWIST THEY SET ANYWAY? I MEAN FUTURAMA ISN'T EVER GOING TO BE ON AGAIN AND IT'S NOT LIKE IT EVEN RUINED ANYTHING BIG ANYWAY! WHAT THE HELL? PS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS MOVIE DOESN'T COME OUT TILL NEXT MONTH!?

Fermi and Frost [book]

THERE WAS A NUCLEAR WAR AND ONLY A FEW DOZEN PEOPLE SURVIVED BY GOING TO ICELAND AND SURVIVING WITH GEOTHERMAL POWER TILL THE SUN CAME BACK. THEN THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER ALIENS CAME AND SAID 'GOOD JOB!" PS. NO ACTUALLY EVERYONE DIED

Charile Brown Valentine [tv]

NO ONE LOVES YOU SETTLE FOR PITY.

Bolt [Movie]

TOY STORY CALLED, IT WANTED IT'S PLOT BACK. ON THE OTHER HAND TOY STORY IS A GOOD MOVIE SO THIS WAS GOOD TOO. PS. I AM PRETTY SURE THE HAMSTER IS SUPPOSED TO BE JACK BLACK.

Rasputina [band]

WE ARE RASPUNTINA WE WORK FOR MARALYN MANSON AND ARE ON BUFFY A LOT AND PLAY CELLOS IN A ROCK BAND AND SOMEHOW STILL ARE GOOD.

The Moldy Peaches [band]

YES I LIKED THESE PEOPLE BEFORE JUNO CAME OUT SHUT UP.

Granddaddy [band]

WE ARE GRAND DADDY WE SING ABOUT ROBOTS AND GOOGLE EARTH

Bright Eye [Band]

WHAA WHAA EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE, LETS CRY ABOUT EVERYTHING, WHA WHA I AM RICH AND DRUNK AND MY BROTHER DIED. WHA WHA ARRIONETTE.

Sufjan Stevens [Band]

WE ARE SUFJAN STEVENS WE SING ABOUT STATES AND JESUSES AND WE ARE A REALLY GOOD BAND.

Eels [band]

WE ARE THE EELS, WE SING SONGS ABOUT CANCER AND SUICIDE AND STALKING GIRLS BUT THEY ARE PRETTY UPBEAT IN GENERAL.

Nine Billion Names of God [book]

It's funny because it takes like 3 months.

Huddling Place [Book]

IT'S 1970 LETS WRITE WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BE LIKE: OKAY PEOPLE WILL LIVE MORE SUBURBAN OR RURAL LIFE AND THEN THERE WILL BE SOMETHING BASICALLY LIKE THE INTERNET AND NO ONE WILL REALLY NOTICE ANYTHING BUT BIT BY BIT PEOPLE WON'T LIKE TO GO TO UNFAMILIAR PLACES SO MUCH UNTIL THEY BASICALLY HAVE AGORAPHOBIA ENOUGH THAT THEY'D RATHER LET EVERYTHING DIE THAN LEAVE THE HOUSE. PS. GOOM

The Crystal Spheres [book]

THE REASON THERE ARE NO ALIENS IS BECAUSE ALL THE ALIENS KILL THEMSELVES BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER ALIENS. PS. EGGS

RPGs 1980 to 1994 [List of Games]

Well looks like it's time to review every single console RPG ever! Or the ones I've played and remember and can construct a witty comment about at least. I'm going by this as a list. I might skip some of the real computer style western rpgs like wizardry and ultima and might and magic because damn if I can remember which ones I played, and the only comment about all of them will be 'needs nose pin ring' [B] means I beat the game Dragon Quest I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME BUT THOU MUST I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME BUT THOU MUST I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME Final Fantasy [B] EVERYONE THINKS FF7 MADE UP THE SCIFI SETTING BUT THIS GAME HAD ROBOTS AND TIME TRAVEL AND STUFF AND EVERYONE JUST FORGETS BECAUSE THE GAME WAS TOO HARD TO GET TO THAT PART. Mother [B] THIS GAME IS WAY TOO HARD AND THE CROWS ARE GAY CROWS AND THE WHOLE THING IS LIKE A CRAPPY PROTOTYPE FOR EARTHBOUND BUT I STILL LOVE IT. Crystalis I REALLY LIKED THIS GAME ALOT BU

RPGs 1995to 1999 [List of Games]

Chrono Trigger [B] OH LOOK SOMEONE PROPOSED TO THEIR WIFE WITH CHRONO TRIGGER, I WOULDN'T DO THAT I WOULD JUST PROPOSE TO CHRONO TRIGGER. PS. IF YOU SLEEP IN THE BED WHEN ZEAL FALLS IT'S LIKE A HALF A SECOND LONGER THAN OTHER BEDS AND I SPENT YEARS THINKING THAT WAS VITALLY IMPORTANT. Front Mission [B] I PLAYED SOME CRAPPY FAN TRANSLATION AND I THINK THE LAST COMPUTER YOU GOT THAT YOU COULD EQUIP WAS YOUR GIRLFRIENDS BRAIN, I GUESS SHE DIDN'T NEED IT ANY MORE AM I RITE GUYS? PS. WHY DID EVERY ONE OF THESE SUCK AFTER THE FIRST ONE THIS GAME COULDA BEEN WAY BETTER THAN TACTICS. Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals [B?] HEY REMEMBER THAT LEVEL WHERE THEY DECIDED TO MAKE A TOTALLY DIFFRENT VIDEOGAME FOR SOME REASON? HEY REMEMBER THAT POKEMON STUFF THEY DECIDED TO MAKE LIKE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT VIDEO GAME? HEY REMEMBER DOING THE 99 LEVELS THEN NOT HAVING ANY PROVIDENCE LEFT AND HAVING TO TURN OFF THE GAME? Magic Knight Rayearth [B] JUST BE

RPGs 2000 to 2004 [List of Games]

Final Fantasy IX [B] I LITERALLY NEVER LOOKED WHAT OZMA LOOKED LIKE BEFORE AND I SAW SCREEN SHOTS BUT THEY DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE MY ROOM MATE WOULDN'T LET ME PLAY MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES OF THIS GAME AT A TIME SO I RUSHED THROUGH IT AND IT WAS UNFUN AND I JUST RAN FROM ALL THE ENEMIES IN THE UPSIDE DOWN CASTLE AND NEVER EVEN KNEW THERE WAS A TRICK TO IT. ALSO BACK TO THROWING UP ABOUT LEVEL 6 TERRA IN THIS VIDEO CHRIST! PS. VIVI PEES OFF THE BRIDGE SOLELY SO THEY CAN ESTABLISH 'VIVI HAS A WIENER' TO ESTABLISH HIM AS MALE AND TO FORESHADOW HIS ABILITY TO HAVE CHILDREN. PPS. I STILL SPENT A TON OF TIME EATING FROGS. Paper Mario [B] THIS GAME CLEARLY HAS BETTER GRAPHICS THAN SUPER PAPER MARIO WTF? PS. THIS GAME IS CLEARLY BETTER THAN SUPER PAPER MARIO Golden Sun REMEMBER THIS WHEN IT CAME OUT AND IT WAS LIKE 'WOAH A GAMEBOY RPG THIS IS AMAZING" PS. I BARELY REMEMBER THIS GAME ACTUALLY! BUT I PLAYED IT! Okage THIS GAME W

RPGs 2005 to 2009 [List of Games]

Final Fantasy III [B] YOU GET AN AIRSHIP SUPER FAST LIKE IN THE FIRST 10 MINUTES THEN THERE ARE SOME GHOSTS THEN YOU RAM YOUR AIRSHIP AND DON'T GET ANOTHER FOR A WHILE. Chain of Memories [B] I CAST CLOUD, THEN I CAST CLOUD AND CLOUD, THEN I CAST CLOUD AND CLOUD AND CLOUD AND WIN THE GAME. PS. SOMETIMES I CAST BAMBI BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY TO CAST 'PRANCE' BUT THEN I CAST CLOUD AFTER. Mario and Luigi Superstar saga I PRESS THE BUTTON RIGHT WHEN I ATTACK IN EVERY GAME ANYWAY SO I ALWAYS APPRECIATE WHEN IT ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING.RE: FF8, MARIO RPG, MOTHER 3. PS. LUIGI IS PASSIVE AGRESSIVE. Kingdom Hearts II KINGDOM HEARTS 1 IS AMAZING AND 2 IS 50 TIMES BETTER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS MATH. WAIT ACTUALLY NO I DIDN'T PLAY MORE THAN A FEW HOURS INTO THIS AND NOW I HAVE NO STREET CRED AND I ACTUALLY WAS LIVING A LIE TO NOT GIVE AWAY THAT I DIDN'T PLAY THIS WHOLE GAME AND JUST PLAYED THE BEGINNING AND THE END AND READ WIKIPEDIA ABOU

Computer RPGs [List of Games]

THIS LIST IS 99% LESS SCIENTIFICALLY CONSTRUCTED THAN THE CONSOLE ONE AND WAY MORE LIKELY TO SKIP STUFF LIKE HARD NOVA AND WIZARDRY AND DUNGEON SIEGE AND TITAN QUEST THAT IS TOO BORING TO TALK ABOUT OR STUFF LIKE MASTER OF MAGIC THATS NOT REALLY AN RPG. PLUS THERE IS LOTS OF GAMES I PIRATED AND PLAYED FOR 45 MINUTES THAT DON'T COUNT. Bard's Tale II TO BE HONEST I DIDN'T PLAY THIS GAME MUCH BUT I SAT ON THE FLOOR AND WATCHED MY BIG BROTHER PLAY IT FOR HOURS AND IT'S THE FIRST RPG I EVER SAW. ALSO THE PRINCESS HAD A TROLL GRAPHIC AND ALL THE ROOMS LOOKED THE SAME AND YOU'D GET SPUN AROUND UNLESS YOU WORE THE NO-SPIN RING BUT WE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS THE 'NOSE-PIN' RING. PS. ALSO WE SOLVED ONE OF THE PUZZLES BY LOOKING AT THE ANSWER IN A HEX EDITIOR. AND ALL I EVER DID WHEN I PLAYED WAS START A NEW GAME THEN GET A FRED FROM THE GUILD AND MAKE IT SUMMON A BUNCH OF FREDS THEN DO THE FIRST LEVEL OVER AND OVER. Nethack IT IS MORE FUN TO TALK ABO

Bedtime Stories [Movie]

OH HEY I FORGOT I SAW THIS MOVIE OR THAT IT EXISTS. PS. THIS POST WRITTEN 3 MONTHS FROM NOW.

The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas [book]

THERE IS SOME KID THEY KEEP IN THE MOP CLOSET AND TORTURE AND SOMEHOW THIS MAKES A WHOLE CITY AMAZING AND PERFECT IN A VAGUE AND UNDEFINED WAY THAT IS PROBABLY JUST INTENDED TO BE 'HEY WE SHOULD BE HAPPY BECAUSE AT LEAST WE DON'T LIVE IN A MOP CLOSET". PS. I LIKE HOW IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY DESCRIBE OMELAS AND IS JUST ALL TELLING YOU TO IMAGINE A UTOPIA HOWEVER YOU WANT AND THEN TELLING YOU TO AVOID THINGS LIKE EVERYONE BEING DUMB OR SOMETHING, OR THERE BEING PRIESTS IN TEMPLES OR W/E.

Twilight [Book]

NO NOT THE VAMPIRE ONE, THE ONE WHEN THE TIME TRAVELER GOES WAY IN THE FUTURE AND THE HUMAN RACE IS ALL RUN DOWN AND HE'S LIKE "THEY LOST ALL THEIR VITAL ENERGY, IN YOUR TIME THE NEGRO'S PRIMITIVE MUSIC WAS THE BEST." PS. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THE NARRATOR ISN'T THE TIME TRAVELER, BUT ALSO ISN'T THE TRUCK DRIVER THAT THE NARRATOR TOLD THE STORY TO? THAT THE NARRATOR IS A SECOND TRUCK DRIVER THAT THE FIRST TRUCK DRIVER IS RECOUNTING THE STORY FOR?

Jeffty is Five [Book]

THIS STORY IS PRETTY GOOD BUT IT'S WEIRD TO READ IT BECAUSE IT'S LIKE NOSTALGIA FOR NOSTALGIA BUT THEN THE BOOK IS OLD TOO. REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF BLACK AND WHITE TV, COLOR TVS ARE NEW. PS. THIS BOOK SEEMED LIKE IT WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD IN THE END ANYWAY.