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Showing posts from January, 2015

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis [movie]

AQUAMAN IS THE WORST HERO BUT AT LEAST HE LIVES IN MAINE. I LIKE THAT THEY TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIS STUPID OUTFIT AS HIM WEARING SOME SUIT OF ARMOR THEN TAKING PART OF IT OFF IN DISGUST AND NOT FINISHING SO HE WAS WEARING SOME STUPID ORANGE UNDERSHIRT AND GREEN PANTS. PS. I AM SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED, THEY HIRED GEORGE NEWBERN, THEY HAD HIM IN THE CAST, HE WAS THE VOICE OF SOME RANDOM GENERAL. SO WHY WASN'T HE SUPERMAN? IT WASN'T EVEN A THING THEY PLAYED AS A CAMEO GAG OR SOMETHING, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD YOU HIRE THE VOICE OF SUPERMAN TO BE IN YOUR SUPERMAN STORY THEN HAVE SOMEONE ELSE PLAY SUPERMAN? I LITERALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Ultima [book]

STEVEN BAXTER HAS SO MUCH AUTISM AND I LOVE IT, I LOVE HOW INTERCHANGEABLE ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE AND I FORGOT THE GENDER OF THE MAIN CHARACTER FOR LIKE 60% OF THE BOOK BECAUSE IT NEVER MATTERED AND THE REAL MAIN CHARACTER IS TRACTOR PARTS BECAUSE THEY CAN HAVE THE TRACTOR PARTS LIVE FOREVER. ON THE DOWN SIDE THE SCIFI "HISTORICAL" PARTS WITH THE ROMANS AND AZTECS WAS SORT OF BORING BUT IN THE END THE BUILD UP OF HAVING THE BOOK BE SO LONG AND GO SO IN DEPTH IN IT MADE THE ENDING MORE INTERESTING (BUT OF COURSE THE BOOK IS A CLIFFHANGER SO IT ENDS WHEN IT GETS MOST INTERESTING). PS. THE SPACE ROMANS STUFF WAS WISHY WASHY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY LEVELS AND I ALMOST WANT TO READ A WHOLE STORY JUST ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A STUPID IDEA BUT I LIKED IT ENOUGH I WANT SOME FICTION TO REALLY PUSH HARD ON MAKING IT MAKE SENSE.

Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart [movie]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS MOVIE IS, IT'S LIKE HALF THAT EPISODE OF VOYAGER THAT 7 OF 9 WOULD DIE IF SHE FELL IN LOVE AND LIKE HALF DANCER IN THE DARK OR SOMETHING. ALSO THE WHOLE THING WAS SECRETLY A MUSIC VIDEO. ALSO LOL AT THE ENDING. THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A PLOT TWIST. PS. IN FRENCH THE TITLE WAS ORIGINALLY "JACK AND THE MECHANICS OF THE HEART" AND WHY IS THAT NOT THE TITLE? IT'S SO INFINITY BETTER A TITLE THAN "AND THE CUCKOO-CLOCK HEART". LIKE IT'S BOTH A PHRASE AND ALSO A PLOT SUMMARY.

The Legend of the Titanic [movie]

OKAY SO THIS IS A CARTOON MOVIE ABOUT HOW NOT ROSE ON THE TITANIC CRIED ON SOME DOLPHINS AND IT LET HER SPEAK TO MICE AND SOME JAIL SHARKS TRICKED AN OCTOPUS BABY PUPPY TO SMASH ICE INTO THE TITANIC SO EYEPATCHY COULD GET ALL THE WHALING RIGHTS IN THE WORLD FROM THE FATHER OF NOT ROSE WHO APPARENTLY OWNED ALL THE WHALING RIGHTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. ALSO A MOUSE SAVED THE DAY BY USING IT'S MUSTACHE AS A TELEGRAPH WIRE AND WAS ELECTROCUTED TO DEATH BUT LATER RECOVERED.  PS.  ALSO A TOTALLY THROW AWAY LINE IN THE LAST 2 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE THROWS THE WHOLE MOVIE FOR A MAJOR FUCKING LIFE OF PI LOOP AND MY MIND IS STILL RACING TRYING TO SORT OUT WHAT IS REAL.  

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies [movie]

THE HOBBIT MOVIES AREN'T BAD. ONE HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW I BELIEVE PEOPLE WILL STILL WATCH THE LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIES WHILE THE HOBBIT MOVIES WILL BE SOME HISTORICAL FOOTNOTE, BUT THEY AREN'T BAD EXACTLY, THEY ARE JUST NOTHING. ON THE OTHER HAND I LOVE HOW STUPID THE WAY THEY KILLED SMAUG WAS, PARTICULARLY SINCE THE WAY THEY KILLED SMAUG IN THE BOOK WAS THE STUPIDEST THING IN THE ENTIRE SERIES. PS. I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITH A PARTICULAR PERSON, BUT IT KEPT NOT HAPPENING AND IT'S DOWN TO TWO SHOWINGS A DAY SO IT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL BE GONE SOON, SO I WATCHED IT ALONE. BUT THAT PERSON IS ON A TRIP TO ANOTHER STATE RIGHT NOW AND I FEEL LIKE A SLEAZY GUY THAT IS PULLING SOME "CHEATING DON'T COUNT IF THEY ARE IN ANOTHER STATE' THING, BUT WITH HOBBIT MOVIES.

Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SEEN THE MEETING THEY HAD WITH THE COPYRIGHT LAWYERS THOUGH, I LOVE THAT THE GAME IS 'EE TEE" THE WHOLE MOVIE BUT THAT IS THE ONLY CHANGE AND THEY JUST USE SCREEN SHOTS AND LEVEL LAYOUTS AND THEN JUST PLAY THE ACTUAL GAME AT THE END. I GUESS THEY CHANGED THE DESIGN OF ET HIMSELF BUT THAT WAS MORE A JOKE ABOUT THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE SPRITE. PS. DID THIS SERIOUSLY NEED A SUBPLOT ABOUT A FAKE GAMER GIRL?

Felidae [movie]

HOLY CRAP. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. YOU KNOW HOW WATERSHIP DOWN IS A SCARY PG RABBIT MOVIE, WELL THIS IS A HARD R GERMAN CARTOON CAT MOVIE. GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE IS GRUESOME. THOSE DREAM SEQUENCES, FUCK. ITS KINDA A GOOD MOVIE MAYBE? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS.  PS. EVERY JAPANESE CARTOON IS SECRETLY ABOUT THE NUCLEAR BOMB, THIS MOVIE IS SO SECRETLY ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST AND NAZI MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS. LIKE SO MUCH. 

Into the Woods [movie]

TWO THINGS WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE: 1) I REALLY REALLY LIKE 'INTO THE WOODS' 2) I REALLY REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE SECOND HALF. PS. I MEAN I THINK THE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ACTRESS WAS MAYBE THE CORRECT AGE PLOT WISE BUT BOY HOWDY IT MADE THE WHOLE THING SUPER CREEPY.

Videogames the movie [movie, nonfiction]

I DON'T KNOW, WHO WAS THIS MOVIE FOR? IT WAS JUST BASIC VIDEO GAME HISTORY WITH NOTHING REALLY IN DEPTH BUT WAS CLEARLY MADE FOR VIDEOGAME PEOPLE. IT WAS FINE BUT TOO LONG AND UNORGANIZED. ALSO IT HAD A HILARIOUS BAD DESCRIPTION OF WHAT "BITS" ARE. PS. SCRUBS MADE THIS?

Hatoful Boyfriend [game]

OKAY, SO SOMEONE MADE A DATING SIM BUT MADE ALL THE BOYS JUST BE ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF BIRDS. BUT IT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT DOES THE ADVENTURE TIME THING OF STARTING OUT SEEMING REALLY RANDOM BUT THEN ACTUALLY HAVING SOME WEIRD DEEPER POST APOCALYPTIC STORY. PS. THERE IS LIKE 13 ENDINGS OR SOMETHING, I GOT 5 OF THEM, I COUNT THAT AS PRETTY GOOD.