Capital Reviews

 Timestalker [movie] I REALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE, I LIKE THAT IT'S A WEIRD COMEDY IN A WEIRD HIGH CONCEPT SORT OF MOVIE THAT WOULDN'T NORMALLY BE A COMEDY AND I LIKE HOW MUCH IT'S NOT A ROMANCE.  PS. LEGEND OF ZELDA MOVIE (BLACKADDER MOVIE)

 Night of the Zoopocalypse [movie] THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING, IT'S A B- 3D ANIMATED KIDS MOVIE.   *HOWEVER* THE ORIGIN OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT CLIVE BARKER WROTE AN ADULT GRAPHIC NOVEL ABOUT PEOPLE STUCK IN A ZOO THE NIGHT OF A ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE AND THE ANIMALS SLOWLY TURNING INTO MONSTERS. THEN BEFORE THAT WAS PUBLISHED THE RIGHTS TO IT GOT BOUGHT FOR A FILM. THEN CAME OUT TEN YEARS LATER AS A KIDS FILM. WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY. A CLIVE BARKER KIDS MOVIE. I MEAN, THE MOVIE ITSELF ISN'T REALLY ANYTHING SPECIAL, BUT THE IDEA AT LEAST IS REALLY FUNNY. I KINDA FEEL LIKE THE ONLY THING FROM THE ORIGINAL IS PROBOBLY THE START WHERE THE EGG IS A HEART THAT OPENS LIKE A VAGINA THEN THE RABBIT MOVES REALLY WEIRD FOR LIKE A SECOND.  PS. I LIKE THE WEIRD UNINTENTIONAL DEPTH WHERE THE STATED SPOKEN THEME OF THIS MOVIE IS "YOU ARE STRONGER TOGETHER" BUT THE FINAL FIGHT IS THE MAIN CHARACTER ALONE FIGHTING AN AMALGAMATE OF EVERY ANIMAL AND THE REAL MESSAGE IS MORE LIKE "GRACY IS PUNI...

 Trail of the Screaming Forehead [movie] I DON'T DISLIKE IT. I LIKE IT WELL ENOUGH, BUT I THINK MY HEART IS TOO FULL OF SNOBBERY ABOUT BAD MOVIES AND I NEVER CAN ENJOY THESE THE WAY I SHOULD BE ABLE TO. LIKE I HAVE A KNEE JERK REACTION TO BAD ON PURPOSE MOVIES TO INSTANTLY DISLIKE THEM AND NOT ENJOY THEM AS MUCH AS I SHOULD. IT SUCKS!  PS. LIKE MY WHOLE REACTION TO THIS IS JUST SAYING "UMM WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST WATCH 'FROM BEYOND'?" WHICH IS LIKE ONLY SUPERFICIALLY SIMILAR AND THAT SORT OF CRITISISM IS SOMETHING I WOULDN'T APPLY TO ANY OTHER GENRE. I JUST CAN NOT GET PAST MY ELITISM!

 Anaconda [movie] MEH? IT FEELS LIKE THEY MADE THIS MOVIE WRONG. LIKE THEY HAD THREE IDEAS AND INSTEAD OF PICKING ONE THEY JUST MADE THEM IN ORDER AND MADE THAT THE MOVIE. LIKE THE FIRST THIRD IS A REALLY META THING ABOUT JACK BLACK'S CHARACTER IN UNIVERSE AQUIRING THE RIGHTS TO MAKE AN ANACONDA MOVIE AND IT BEING SOME SORT OF BE KIND REWIND REMAKE ABOUT ANACONDA. THEN THE MIDDLE PART IS A REALLY BORING ACTUAL REBOOT OF ANACONDA WITH SOME GOLD THEIF PLOTLINE THAT SUCKED. THEN THE LAST THIRD SUDDENLY BECAME EXTREMELY WACKY OVER THE TOP COMEDY? IT WAS JUST SUCH A WEIRD PROGRESSION OF THREE ALMOST ENTIRELY SEPORATE SEGMENTS. PS. THE ONLY REALLY GOOD PART IS SOMEONE GETTING BITTEN BY A SPIDER, THEN SAYING THEY NEEDED TO PEE ON IT AND SOMEONE POINTING OUT THAT IS JELLYFISH NOT SPIDERS, THEN THE ANSWER BEING "IT WORKS ON ALL ANIMALS" AND THAT BEING THE SOLUTION. 

 Hot Frosty [movie] OH MAN, THIS IS A CHRISTMAS HALLMARK STYLE ROMANCE BUT THE PLOT IS THAT A SINGLE WOMAN GETS A MAGIC SCARF AND PUTS IT ON A HOT SNOWMAN THEN THE SNOWMAN IS ALIVE AND THEY FALL IN LOVE AND THE MOVIE IS SO STUPID IT RULES. IT'S LIKE A CHUCK TINGLE CONCEPT BUT WITH HALLMARK WRITING. ALSO THE WHOLE THING IS A NIGHTMARE BECAUSE HOT FROSTY IS CLEARLY A SMALL CHILD AND SHOULD NOT BE DATED BY THE ADULT WOMAN. THIS FEELS ESPECIALLY EMPHASIZED BY THE CLIMAX OF THEIR ROMANCE BEING HIM TAKING HER TO A MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE.  PS. MY NIECE MADE US WATCH THIS AS A FAMILY AND THAT RULES. 

 The Elephant [television] THEY GOT A BUNCH OF ANIMATIORS AND TOLD THEM TO DO WHATEVER AND SO THEY JUST DREW A BUNCH OF STUFF.  THE FIRST ONE FELT KINDA LIKE NOTHING, AND THE THIRD ONE WAS REALLY NEAT BUT DIDN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE IT HAD ANY REASON TO BE PART OF THIS, ONLY THE MIDDLE PART SEEMED LIKE IT FIT? LIKE THIS WAS ALL ABOUT ANIMATION AND THAT FELT LIKE THE ONLY ONE ABOUT BEING CREATIVE? OR SOMETHING. I DO REALLY LIKE THE SPIRIT'S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SCIENTIST, I LIKE HOW UNRELENTING SHE WAS ABOUT HATING THE STUPID MOVIE IDEA. PS. ALSO MUSIC BUTTON'S HEAD TURNED INTO ZORAK FOR LIKE ONE FRAME.