Capital Reviews

 Deck the Halls [movie] A PAINFUL EARLY 2000S CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH A PAINFULLY EARLY 2000S PREMISE. LIKE, DANNY DEVITO CAN SEE HIS NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE ON GOOGLE EARTH BUT NOT HIS OWN SO HE NEEDS TO LIGHT IT UP SO IT CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE. BUT LIKE, WHAT? WHY CAN THEY SEE THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE? THEY HAND WAVE WHY IT'S LIVE BUT IT'S SUCH A EARLY 2000S "I HEARD ABOUT GOOGLE EARTH AND WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE WITH THAT BUT I HAVEN'T LOOKED OR THOUGHT ABOUT IT MUCH" PS. IT'S SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE MOVIE THINKS THE RELATIVE MORALITY OF THE TWO CHARACTERS ARE. THEY ARE BOTH BAD AND LEARN THAT LESSON IN THE END BUT LIKE, THE APPARENT "GOOD GUY" IS SO CLEARLY A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE AND IT'S SO UNCLEAR IF THE MOVIE KNOWS THAT

 The Coffee Table [movie] EH, THIS IS ANXIETY BASED HORROR MOVIE AND THAT IS A GENRE THAT ODVIOUSLY WORKS WELL ON ME, BUT THIS GOT TO VERY THREE'S COMPANY LEVELS WITHOUT THERE BEING ENOUGH TO IT. I DIDN'T DISLIKE IT BUT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER. PS. I FEEL LIKE IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY THAT I COULD NOT AT ANY POINT ENVISION WHAT HAPPENED. LIKE, 'WHAT HAPPENED' IS VERY OBVIOUS AND BRUTAL. THE WHOLE ENTIRE MOVIE IS ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES, BUT IT WAS MAKING ME CRAZY THAT I CAN NOT ENVISION EXACTLY HOW THE EVENT WENT. LIKE, SOMEONE NEEDS TO DRAW ME A VECTOR DIAGRAM OF HOW IT WORKED. LIKE, I KNOW THEY WANTED THE MOST GRUESOME THING THEY COULD THINK OF TO HAPPEN, BUT LIKE.... HOW. WHAT MOTION WAS HE DOING? I FEEL LIKE THIS QUESTION TAINTED MY ABILITY TO WATCH THIS ENTIRE MOVIE! 

 Wizard of Earthsea [book, audiobook] I READ THIS BOOK WHEN I WAS LIKE 13 AND HATED IT, JUST *HATED* IT. BUT IT'S CLEARLY A BOOK I SHOULD LIKE BY AN AUTHOR I LOVE SO I DECIDED TO GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE TO AT LEAST UNDERSTAND WHAT RUBBED ME SO MUCH THE WRONG WAY.  I THINK A LOT OF IT WAS JUST NOT RELATING WELL TO THE TEEN CHARACTER AND HIS WRONG DECISIONS FRUSTRATING ME SINCE EVERYTHING HE DID SEEMED SO UNFORCED.  I THINK THE LARGER REASON WAS I REALLY HATED FANTASY BOOKS AT THE TIME AND LARGELY HATED READING THEM BECAUSE OF FANTASY NAMES AND THIS BOOK IS ABOUT NAMES SPECIFICALLY SO EVERYONE HAS 30 DIFFERENT STUPID FANTASY NAMES AND I THINK I HYPERBOLICALLY LATCHED ONTO THAT AS THIS BOOK BEING THE SPECIFIC EXAMPLE OF WHY I HATE FANTASY. READING THIS DECADES LATER IT'S NOT SO BAD AND I'LL PROBABLY CONTINUE THE SERIES.  PS. THIS BOOK *DOES* HAVE GEB FROM GONT WHO IS FIGHTING A GEBBETH WHO IS ALSO NAMED GEB SO I CAN'T TOTALLY SAY I WAS WRONG ABOUT THE NAMES OF EVERYTHING BE

 Late Night With the Devil [movie] YEAH, THIS IS GOOD. THE STORY AND PLOT WAS GOOD BUT I FEEL LIKE THE PART THAT WAS GREAT WAS WVWRY FAKE 70S THING. LIKE TITLE CARDS AND THE CAMERA WORK ON THE LITTLE CUT AWAY. EVERYONE HAD VERY SEVENTIES NAMES.  PS. I WASNT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT I SAW THE TV GLOW INCASE IT WAS THIS MOVIE 

 Day of the Animals [movie, mst3k] THIS MOVIE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO WATCH A BAD MOVIE THIS IS A GREAT BAD MOVIE. IT'S LESLIE NELSON IN A 1977 MEDIUM BUDGET MOVIE WITH BASICALLY THE SAME PLOT AS BIRDEMIC BUT ALL ANIMALS. IT HAS A LOT OF EXTREMELY SILLY SCENES WHERE THEY THROW RATS AT A GUY OR A BIRD DIRECTS SOME PANTHERS TO ATTACK. ALSO SOMETHING FEELS EXTREMELY WRONG WITH THE DIALOG, LIKE EVERYONE USES THE WRONG WORD A LOT? A BEER AND A SIZE, BEAR SNAKE, HOTSHOT, IT'S REALLY WEIRD! PS. I THINK THEY ARE ACTUALLY HURTING THE ANIMALS IN SOME SCENES AND THAT MAKES IT A LOT WORSE. 

 Replica [movie, mst3k] MOVIE BY THE BIRDEMIC GUY. I LOVE HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE RAMPS UP OVER TIME. LIKE IT'S FAIRLY DULL UNTIL THE CAR CRASH, THEN THE STALKING THE GIRLFRIEND PART IS FUNNY, THEN BY THE TIME IT GETS TO G WINE IT'S HILARIOUS. PS. I DON'T WATCH A LOT OF RIFFS FOR WHATEVER REASON BUT THIS IS REALLY TRUELY A PERFECT RIFTRACTS MOVIE

 Oddity [movie] MAYBE I JUST WATCHED THIS ON THE WRONG DAY OR SOMETHING? IT'S MY KIND OF MOVIE, IT'S SHOT BEAUTIFULLY, IT'S HIGHLY RATED, AND MOVIE STUFF I TEND TO AGREE WITH HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THIS AND I JUST DID NOT VIBE WITH IT. LIKE I COULD WATCH IT AND UNDERSTAND IT'S GOOD BUT JUST COULD NOT CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT.  PS. TOO FACEBLIND TO TELL TWO PEOPLE ARE THE SAME ACTRESS PLAYING TWINS. 

 Slay the Princess [game] YEAH, THIS GAME IS VERY EXTREMELY GOOD. IT'S VERY VERY OBVIOUSLY 'WHAT IF STANLEY PARABLE WAS OVERLY HORROR" BUT IT DOES AN EXTREMELY GOOD JOB WITH THAT. I GOT ABOUT 80% OF THE VESSEL ENDINGS AND 3 OF THE 4 ENDING ENDINGS, AND I FEEL LIKE QUITTING BEFORE 100% IS BAD FOR A GAME THAT COST 20 BUCKS AND WAS AN HOUR LONG, BUT I THINK IT'D RUIN THE EXPERIENCE TO START REPEATING ANYTHING OR LOOKING UP HOW TO GET THE ENDING I DIDN'T SEE.  PS. MAN, THE PRINCESS VOICE ACTOR WAS FINE, SHE'S *FINE*, SHE DID OKAY, BUT I FEEL BAD AT THE CONTRAST OF HOW MUCH WORSE A VOICE ACTOR SHE WAS THAN THE OTHER VOICE ACTOR. THEY ARE BOTH PODCAST STARS OF PODCASTS I'VE NEVER LISTENED TO BUT HE WAS LIKE, OUTSTANDING AND SHE KINDA SOUNDED LIKE THE GAME DEV HIRED HIS FRIEND TO VOICE PRINCESS. I FEEL LIKE THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY FAVORITE GAME EVER MADE IF THEY LANDED THAT BETTER. AS IT IS, THIS GAME IS STILL EXTREMELY EXTREMELY GOOD. STANLEY PARABLE IS A GOOD BA

 Brotato [game] I PLAYED 125 HOURS OF THIS GAME IN TEN DAYS. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A GAME, IT'S JUST OKAY. I HAVE ACTUAL THINGS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN. IT'S LIKE A CERTAIN TYPE OF GAME CAN HIJACK MY BRAIN AND REAL WORLD STRESS CAN PUSH ME INTO THAT AND I FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST THING ABOUT ME IS HOW QUICKLY OBSESSIONS LIKE THIS PASS. ' PS. THIS FEELS LIKE THE MINIMUM GAME YOU COULD MAKE, LIKE SOMEONE'S DEMO ON HOW GODOT WORKS. 

 Unmentionable [book,audiobook,nonfiction]  NONFICTION TRIVIA BOOK ABOUT BEING A VICTORIAN WOMAN. BEST PART: MULTIPLE BOOKS AT THE TIME SAID 'PINEAPPLE SHAPED BREASTS" WERE THE IDEAL BUT NO ONE IN MODERN TIMES KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS. I LOVE IT BECAUSE THERE IS LIKE, FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS I CAN IMAGINE THAT MEANING. THE BOOK EVEN WENT INTO CHECKING IF VICTORIANS HAD DIFFERENT SHAPED PINEAPPLES, AND NO, NOT REALLY. PS. I LOVE HOW THIS IS LIKE, THE SECOND GENERATION OF THIS SORT OF BOOK. LIKE THIS BOOK WAS SO MAD AT PEOPLE THINKING THEY USED VIBRATORS ON HYSTERIA, BECAUSE LIKE, THEY DID, BUT THE BOOK WAS SO MAD AND INSISTENT THE SEX INTERPRETATION WAS MODERN AND LIKE 90% OF THE BOOK WAS "DUDE JUST TRUST ME" CITES AND THIS ONE PART WAS LIKE, QUOTES WITH PAGE NUMBERS AND STUFF, WHERE YOU COULD TELL HOW ANGRY THE AUTHOR WAS THE FACT GOT DISTORTED. 

 The Baby [movie] I WAS WATCHING OLD 'BEST OF THE WORST' EPISODES AND THEY MENTIONED THIS MOVIE ISN'T EVEN A BAD MOVIE, IT'S JUST A REAL MOVIE WITH A DEEPLY UNSETTLING PREMISE AND THAT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO EVEN SPOIL THE ENDING BECAUSE YOU SHOULD JUST WATCH IT. IT'S NOT LIKE, AMAZING OR ANYTHING, IT'S VERY 70S AND HAS A LONG BORING SECTION BUT IT'S ON YOUTUBE AND I DO REALLY LIKE HOW IT CONTRASTS TO THE HYPOTHETICAL MUCH DUMBER MOVIE YOU EXPECT IT TO BE. SPECIFICALLY I LIKE THAT LIKE FIVE MINUTES IN THE SOCIAL WORKER IS LIKE "THAT'S DUMB, THAT ISN'T A REAL CONDITION, YOU MADE THIS UP, WHAT THE HECK" INSTEAD OF ANYONE GOING ALONG WITH ANY OF IT FOR EVEN A SECOND.  PS. ALTERNATE VERSION OF MARYJANE I MADE UP

 Uzamaki [anime] I SAW PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS AS IT CAME OUT, I FIGURED THEY WERE EXAGGERATING, BUT WOW, SOMETHING REALLY WENT WRONG WITH THE PRODUCTION OF THIS SHOW.  IT'S LIKE THEY DIDN'T EVEN FINISH ANIMATING THE SECOND EPISODE AND THEN THE THIRD EPISODE IS A MESS. LIKE TO A COMICAL DEGREE. I'LL KINDA SAY I STILL LIKED IT ANYWAY THOUGH? I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT'S GOOD THEY MADE IT WRONG, BUT IT SECRETLY DID HELP THE CREEPY VIBES THAT THE SHOW ITSELF SEEMED NONFUNCTIONAL AND GLITCHING OUT.  PS. THIS SHOW HAD IT'S OWN WEIRD PROBLEMS BUT I SAY IT EVERY TIME: YOU CAN'T ADAPT JUNJI ITO TO FILM. IT'S ALWAYS BAD. HIS WHOLE THING IS DRAMATIC SPLASH PANELS AND DREAM LOGIC AND IT NEVER EVER WORKS THE SECOND YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED A SECOND BEFORE OR A SECOND AFTER ANY PANEL OR WHAT THE TIMELINE OF EVENTS WOULD BE. 

 I HAVE SEEN CREEPSHOW 2 A MILLION TIMES MORE THAN CREEPSHOW PS. DOG GIOVANNI