Capital Reviews

Blood Tea and Red String [movie, amazing] GOD, THIS IS MY FAVORITE SORT OF MOVIE. JUST WEIRD WORDLESS ART HOUSE STOP MOTION ABOUT WEIRD CROW RATS MAKING AN EGG DOLL FOR ARISTOCRATIC SKEKSIS-ESQ WHITE MICE THEN EVERYONE WALKING SLOWLY AROUND HONKING AT EACH OTHER AND GETTING HELP FROM A FAT LITTLE FROG PRIEST. I ALSO LOVE THAT THE MICE ARE PLAYED UP AS BAD AND DARK AND THEY DRINK BLOOD BUT THEY KINDA ONLY JUST PLAY CARDS AND RIDE TURTLES AND THE ONE WITH THE DOLL WIFE JUST SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY ACTUALLY SAD ONE. PS. I KNOW THIS MOVIE HAD A LONG PRODUCTION TIME SO THAT EXPLAINS IT SOME, BUT JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS A 2006 MOVIE!? THIS MOVIE CLEARLY CAME OUT IN 1978, EVEN IF IT WASN'T THE 1978 OF OUR UNIVERSE.

The Lair of the White Worm [movie] THIS HAS JOKES AND IS A COMEDY BUT THE MAGIC OF IT IS THAT IT'S FILMED SO ENTIRELY SERIOUSLY IT'S EASY TO NOT NOTICE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DUMB THEN WHEN THE FREAK OUT BLASPHEMOUS PARTS HAPPEN THEY ARE JUST MIND BLOWING, BECAUSE YOU DON'T EXPECT THEM. PS. THIS CHANGED A LOT OF THE BRAM STOKER'S STORY BUT KINDA CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED IT'S THE SAME STORY AS DRACULA BUT WITH A LADY INSTEAD OF A GUY AND A SNAKE INSTEAD OF A BAT.

Eli [movie] YOU COULD WATCH THE FIRST 80% OF THIS MOVIE AND THEN BE GIVEN A TRILLION YEARS TO GUESS WHAT THE TWIST IS GOING TO BE AND NEVER GET IT. THIS FEELS LIKE THE LEAST TELEGRAPHED AND MOST OUT OF LEFT FIELD TWIST A MOVIE HAS EVER HAD AND I'M LOSING MY MIND AT HOW DUMB IT IS. IT'S GREAT! PS. AFTER THE TWIST IT FEELS LIKE THEY INDICATE THEY ACTUALLY HAD TRIED GENETIC ENGINEERING FOR REAL AND THAT WASN'T A LIE, THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT IS MIND BOGGLING FOR THE WAY THIS MOVIE'S UNIVERSE FUNCTION.

Chuchel [game] YOU KNOW THE GENIE PART OF BOTANICULA? (DO YOU KNOW THAT PART???) THIS IS THAT BUT A WHOLE GAME MADE BY THE SAME GUY. LIKE, WEIRD LOOSELY CONNECTED PUZZLES WHERE THE WORD PUZZLE IS EXTREMELY LOOSELY INTERPRETED AND IT'S MOSTLY JUST CLICKING ON A FEW THINGS AND WATCHING WEIRD TERRIFYING ANIMATIONS BUT THE ANIMATIONS ARE GREAT SO IT'S FINE THAT IT'S BARELY A GAME. PS. LIKE EVEN WHEN THERE IS PUZZLES THERE IS A HINT SYSTEM THAT TELLS YOU THE ANSWER AND THE WORST THING IS THAT THE HINTS ALSO HAVE WEIRD FUNNY ANIMATIONS SO YOU WANT TO CLICK THEM EVEN IF YOU DON'T NEED THEM.

Head Count [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS EXTREMELY GENERIC. YOU CAN TELL THE WRITER HAD A PLAN TO MAKE SOME SORT OF SUPER ICONIC NEW MONSTER MOVIE MONSTER BECAUSE THE MONSTER HAS TONS OF 'TRAITS' BUT NONE OF THEM MATTER AND I WILL FORGET I WATCHED THIS MOVIE BY NEXT WEEK. PS. THEY DOWNLOADED A SNAKE GHOST FROM THE INTERNET.

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie [movie] THIS ISN'T OFFENSIVELY BAD OR ANYTHING, IT'S JUST NOTHING, IT'S WRAPPING UP STORYLINES I DON'T REMEMBER EVEN NEEDING WRAPPING UP. I LOVED BREAKING BAD BUT LIKE, I JUST DO NOT CARE ONE BIT ON WHAT HAPPENED TO TODD OR THE VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN OR IF JESSIE HAS A HIGHSCHOOL DIPLOMA. I DO NOT REMEMBER WHO THE NAME ON THE ENVELOPE EVEN WAS. I GUESS I WATCHED THIS SHOW WAY TOO LONG AGO TO HAVE THE LEVEL OF ATTACHMENT TO MINUCHIA THAT THIS EXPECTS ME TO HAVE. PS. ARRON PAUL WAS ALREADY PLAYING THE WORLD'S MOST BALDINGEST TEEN, HE'S FRIGGIN 40 NOW,  HE'S OLDER THAN I AM, HE'S NOT A 23 YEAR OLD.

The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex [book, garbage] THIS BOOK IS LIKE, SHOCKINGLY VILE. LIKE FOR WOKE REASONS LIKE HOW GROSS IT IS THERE IS A SECTION FOR TRYING TO FIND OUT IF YOUR DATE IS SECRETLY A MAN BUT JUST THE WHOLE TONE OF IT. YUCK. PS. THIS IS THE BOOK FROM THAT PICTURE WHEN I WAS SHOWING SOMEONE THE LITTLE LIBRARY STREET CORNER THINGS, SINCE THAT SEEMED LIKE THAT MUST BE A SMALL TOWN TYPE OF THING TO HAVE, BUT APPARENTLY THEY HAVE THOSE IN BIG CITIES TOO SO END TO END DISASTER HERE.