Capital Reviews

 My Little Pony: A New Generation [movie] THIS WAS FAIRLY BORING BUT LOL AT THE PREMISE. ITS CANONICALLY SET HUNDREDS OF YEARS AFTER THE LAST SHOW AND ITS MODERN DAY AND EVERYONE ON PONY EARTH HAS BECOME VERY RACIST. PS. THIS FEELS LIKE IT WAS SPECIFICALLY A TRUMP BASED TAKE ON RACISM AND TOOK TOO LONG TO COME OUT

 Prisoners of the Ghostland [movie, amazing] OH MY GOD, THIS MOVIE RULES SO MUCH. IT'S THE NEAR FUTURE AND A NUCLEAR WASTE TRUCK CRASHED INTO A DANGEROUS PRISONER TRANSPORT AND THAT CAUSED THE (WORLD? JAPAN? ONE SMALL TOWN??????) TO BECOME AN APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND THAT IS 1800S JAPAN THAT IS ALSO MODERN DAY THAT IS ALSO A COWBOY TOWN AND NIC CAGE HAS TO BE A DERANGED MAD MAX FALLOUT GUY TO RESCUE A GIRL AND IT ALL RULES SO MUCH. PS. ALSO NIC CAGE HAS ONE TESTICLE AND A SWORD FOR AN ARM.

Theodore Boone: Kid Lawyer [book] I GENERALLY ABSOLUTELY HATE MYSTERY NOVELS SO MY METHOD FOR PICKING AN AGATHA AWARD WINNER WAS TO FIND THE DUMBEST SOUNDING BOOK AND 'THEODORE BOON: KID LAWYER" BY JOHN GRISHAM WINS AS ABOUT THE DUMBEST MOST OUTLANDISH TITLE FOR A BOOK IMAGINABLE.   PS. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT HE'S NOT A KID DETECTIVE, SO THE WHOLE CRUX OF THE BOOK HAD TO BE HIM DOING SOMETHING LAWYERISH, BUT THAT IS NOTHING, SO THE WHOLE CRUX OF THE WHOLE STORY IS BASED ON A 13 YEAR OLD UPHOLDING ATTORNEY CLIENT PRIVILEGE UNTIL HE CAN NEGOTIATE AN IMMUNITY DEAL. 

Candyman [movie] FIRST OF ALL, THIS MOVIE IS GOOD, NONE OF THIS IS TO SAY IT'S BAD. IT JUST FEELS LIKE THIS MOVIE USED A LOT OF POWERFUL IMAGERY BUT IT FELT LIKE IT NEVER GOT TO A CENTRAL POINT WITH IT. LIKE IT FEELS LIKE THE ACTUAL CORRECT STORY THAT THIS HINTED AT IS THE IDEA IF OVER ALL OF HISTORY THEY KEEP UNJUSTLY KILLING BLACK MEN THAT EVENTUALLY LIKE BEES THEY WILL SWARM TOGETHER AND BE A CANDYMAN AS AVENGING ANGEL. BUT THEN THEY ALSO SEEM LIKE THEY JUST KINDA SHOWED CANDYMAN JUST KINDA KILLING WHOEVER. LIKE WHAT DID RACIAL JUSTICE GET OUT OF KILLING BOOF? OR CLIVE? I GUESS IT CAN BE SOME 'IF YOU WANT MONSTERS YOU GET MONSTERS" OR SOMETHING, BUT IT FELT LIKE THE MOVIE JUST KINDA WANDERED AROUND A LITTLE AND MUDDLED UP THE POINT IT WAS MAKING. WHY YOU GOTTA KILL BOOF?  PS. WE WATCHED THIS MINUTES AFTER WATCHING THE ORIGINAL SO IT WAS VERY EXCITING FOR THE RETURNING CAST AND CHARACTERS TO SHOW UP AND I LOVE THEY TOLD THE HELEN STORY SLIGHTLY WRONG BECAUSE THAT FITS EX...

 Carrie Pilby [movie] I FEEL LIKE THEY WERE TRYING TO MAKE A QUIRKY SASSY SMART TEEN AND INSTEAD MADE THE MOST RANCID PERSON IMAGINABLE.  PS. ALSO THIS MOVIE TRYING TO THREAD THE NEEDLE WITH HER BOYFRIEND WAS THE WORST. LIKE IT WAS SO CLEARLY TRYING FOR SOME 'NO SEE, HE'S A BAD BOYFRIEND BUT HE'S LEGALLY NOT A PEDOPHILE SO THAT PART IS OKAY, BUT SEE, HE'S JUST REGULAR BAD BUT I REPEAT, HE IS LEGALLY OKAY AND NOT A PEDOPHILE" IT WAS SO WEIRD AND GROSS. 

 Intrusion [movie] FOR HOW MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE THIS MANAGED TO BE THE MOST NOTHING MOVIE EVER WRITTEN. I EVEN FORGOT TO WRITE THIS REVIEW FOR DAYS BECAUSE I FORGOT I WATCHED IT INSTANTLY. PS. THE REAL INTRUSION WAS THE BREAST CANCER WE GOT ALONG THE WAY

 Deltarune: Chapter 2 [game] MAN, YOU THINK AT SOME POINT TOBY FOX WOULD RUN OUT OF STEAM OR THAT BEING THE SECOND CHAPTER OUT OF 7 THIS WOULD BE SOME SORT OF LESSER GAME BUT NOPE, THIS RULES. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WHOLE TONE OF THERE BEING A CYBERQUEEN AND YOU ASSUMING IT WILL BE SOME SORT OF GLADOS (WHO WAS ALREADY A PARODY) AND IT JUST BEING A THOUSAND TIMES SILLIER THAN THAT. THIS ALL RULES SO MUCH. I'M GONNA BE A BIG SHOT.  PS. YEAH, I KNOW ABOUT THE SNOWGRAVE STUFF. I WANT TO PLAY ALL THE CHAPTERS 'BLIND' THEN GO BACK WHEN THEY ARE ALL OUT AND PLAY ALL THE HYPER SPECIFIC 'YOU NEED A GUIDE' STUFF ALL AT ONCE. ALSO, THE SNOWGRAVE STUFF LOOKS LEGITIMATELY UPSETTING AND I DON'T WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT AND I KNOW IT'S BECAUSE IT'S SO WELL WRITTEN BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY FINISHED THE GENOCIDE ROUTE IN UNDERTALE BECAUSE I WAS GETTING SO IRL BOTHERED BY IT. I LEGITIMATELY DON'T KNOW I COULD HANDLE SNOWGRAVE AT ALL RIGHT NOW! SO I...