Capital Reviews

 Smile 2 [movie] THE EFFECTS ARE STUPID, THE PLOT IS STUPID, THE ENDING IS STUPID, THERE IS A BILLION MOVIES WHERE THE SPOOKY GHOST MAKES YOU SEE THINGS THEN YOU GASP AND THEY AREN'T REAL, BUT THIS MOVIE IS KINDA GOOD? LIKE IT'S WEIRDLY HARD TO THINK OF MANY MOVIES THAT HAVE THE HALLUCINATIONS MOSTLY HAPPENING IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS SO IT'S LESS LIKE A REGULAR HORROR AND MORE LIKE "PERSON COMING DOWN WITH ACTUAL SCHIZOPHRENIA, HELLO IT'S THE WEATHER" SIMULATOR.  PS. DID A BOTTLE OF WATER WRITE THIS? I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MOVIE WITH SUCH BIZARRE PRODUCT PLACEMENT. IT DROVE ME NUTS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. LIKE THEM JUST BEING EVERYWHERE SEEMED WEIRD, BUT AT LEAST IN THE REALM OF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING OF MARKETING. BUT THE AMOUNT IT ACTUALLY FACTORED INTO THE PLOT AND PEOPLE TALKED AND INTERACTED WITH IT WAS JUST INSAINE. IT DIDN'T EVEN SEEM LIKE A COMMERCIAL HALF THE TIME, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE VOSS WATER WAS A MAIN CHARACTER AND THEY HAD TO KEEP BRINGING UP WHERE HE WAS ...

 Stop Motion [movie] OH, I LIKED THIS MOVIE A LOT. HORROR MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN MAKING A HORRIBLE STOP MOTION ANIMATION. I FEEL LIKE ANYONE WHO HAS EVER SEEN ANY MOVIE BEFORE WILL INSTANTLY KNOW THE LITTLE GIRL IS SOME CREEPSTER OF SOME SORT BUT I REALLY LIKE THE EARLY PARTS WHERE YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE SHE'S JUST KINDA LIKE THAT. LIKE IT IS THE KIND OF FUCKED UP STORY A WEIRD LITTLE KID WOULD WRITE.  PS. OH GOD, THIS ISN'T A VERY GORY OR GRAPHIC MOVIE OVERALL BUT THERE WAS ONE PART THAT WAS SO GROSS I HAD TO *LEAVE THE ROOM* WHEN IT HAPPENED. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! I WAS WATCHING IT ALONE ON MY OWN TV! STREAMED! IT JUST WAS TELEGRAPHING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT AND I JUST WENT 'NOPE, GOTTA GET AWAY FROM THIS!" 

 Violett [movie] I DON'T KNOW. THE MOVIE IS EXTREMELY VISUALLY STRIKING SO IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S GOOD, BUT KINDA JUST ISN'T? LIKE A LOT OF SCENES LOOK REALLY COOL AND GOOD, BUT I THINK A LOT OF THE HEIGHTENED REALITY COMES OFF AS CARTOONISH AND GOOFY.  PS. I DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE EVERYONE I KNOW IN REAL LIFE IS A CHRONICALLY ILL MIDDLE AGED GOTH SO NO NEED TO WATCH MOVIES TO SEE THEM

 Joker: Folie à Deux [movie] I THINK I LIKE THIS MOVIE QUITE A BIT. IT'S SUCH A STRANGE MOVIE. IT REALLY IS INSANE THIS MOVIE WAS MADE OR CAME OUT. EVERYONE HATES IT BUT I THINK IT'S KINDA GOOD. NOT EVEN SO BAD IT'S GOOD. JUST, THEY NEED TO MAKE MOVIES LIKE THIS SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES JOKER 2 NEEDS TO BE A WEIRD LADY GAGA MUSICAL FOR SOME REASON. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING ABOUT THAT, IT'S SO HARD TO EVEN TELL WHAT MESSAGE THIS WAS EVEN GOING FOR, IS IT A MOVIE FROM THE UNIVERSE WHERE JOKER ONE WAS MAKING INCELS KILL PEOPLE, LIKE THE NEWS SAID? IS IT SOME VERY WEIRD AND CONVOLUTED TRUMP THING? IT'S SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE MESSAGE WAS GOING FOR. IS THE WHOLE THING A SHAGGY DOG STORY AND THE GUY AT THE END IS HEATH LEDGER? I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE THAT MIGHT BE IT.  PS. IT'S A DANCER IN THE DARK REMAKE. 

 Poe's Children [play] THIS ISN'T SO BAD OR ANYTHING, IT'S BASICALLY JUST A COUPLE READINGS OF A COUPLE POE POEMS. MAYBE WATCHING IT REMOTELY WHILE DOING SOMETHING ELSE AND PAYING LESS THAN HALF PRICE IS MAYBE THE RIGHT WAY TO WATCH IT THOUGH. PS. I THINK I DON'T REALLY GET THE PREMISE. POE HAD NO CHILDREN IN REAL LIFE. THIS IS "WHAT IF POE'S CHILDREN WERE AT HIS FUNERAL AND SEEMED TO RESENT HIM" BUT NONE OF THEM GET ANY REAL DIALOG AND JUST SAY RANDOM POEMS SO LIKE.... WHAT IF? IT FEELS LIKE IT IS RAISING A QUESTION THAT IT DOES NOT TRY TO ANSWER AND DOES NOT SEEM TO MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY AS AN INTERESTING QUESTION. 

 Parkour Civilization [movie?] THIS IS A MINECRAFT SERIES/FAN MOVIE BASED ON A CIVILIZATION WHERE PARKOUR JUMPS ARE MONEY, OR... SOMETHING. ACTUALLY, HONESTLY, THIS IS CLEARLY STUPID AND BAD AND FOR MINECRAFT KIDS BUT IT'S WEIRD HOW COHERENTLY THIS IS WRITTEN. LIKE, IT HAD FORESHADOWING, IT HAD PLOT ELEMENTS THAT CAME BACK, IT HAD REASONABLE LOGIC ON THINGS. LIKE, IT WASN'T GOOD, BUT IT WAS SURPRISING HOW REASONABLE THIS AS BAD YA FICTION. PS. NO ONE JUMPS FOR THE BEEF ORIGIN

 Hotel Inferno 2 [movie] I CAN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY I LIKED THE FIRST ONE BUT DIDN'T REALLY LIKE THIS ONE. THIS LEANED SO HARD INTO BEING A VIDEOGAME. HE HAD HEALTH POTIONS, GRENADES, GOT ALL HIS ITEMS FROM A WITCH AT A SHOP. EVERY ENEMY TYPE HAD SPECIFIC MECHANICS. HE HAD TO COLLECT FOUR ELEMENTS. BUT I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST WAS MORE BORING.  PS. IT HAD THE AESTHETICS OF THE GAME 'CHILLER' ON THE NES.